spider webs dripping with dew 

Liam circa the days of the broken road 

insane reflections 

swimming down waterfalls
They may hurt a bit, but in the long run, they're good for the soul. Stevey, Megan and myself decided to see how well they work as water slides on Saturday. It turns out that they work okay, only you may be in for a few more cuts and bruises than you might get at your average water park. But it was fun. It was a really nice few days. The weather was, as is typical of Algonquin, very changeable. I got some very nice photos, I just regret that I didn't get any of the actual sliding down the waterfall. Later on that night I saw the most amazing shooting star I have ever seen, with all of the milky way and the forests of the north as a backdrop. Incredible. I wish my camera could pick up stars.

there is no such thing as coinicidence 

Created from Everything
current book: Funny Boy
current song: Bells for Her
probable theme of tomorrow: A Sorta Fairytale

You have to love everything sometimes. It's when the sleeplessness falls into ripples and suddenly you're melting in reality. It feels warm.

Today I had another song blow in the window and hit me in the brain. Hence my MSN name of the day: Rose Song. I haven't written any since Goodbye Charlotte. I was probably afraid of whatever I wrote sucking big time in comparison. There are times when you know that it's not your own creativity, that there is an actual story, a memory out of some time-spun fabric of being, that presents itself to you and lets you have it. It's when it spreads across your senses and you can hear it and feel it and smell it all at the same time.

I'm leaving for the cottage tomorrow. It should be wonderful. I really love being able to escape and find a corner of earth with a lake and trees. There's something that speaks to me in water. Plus I'm bringing my cd player. music + algonquin + friends = unbeatable combination. Provided I am not attacked and mauled by a bear.
and through the life force and there goes her friend on her nishiki it's out of timeand through the portal they can make amends

I remember my time at that cottage as being extremely creativeley stimulating. Which would be good. I'm bringing my camera.

and what's THIS!? One of Japan's famed blue-haired old ladies!!? Hahahaha. They were everywhere. Again taken from the starbucks on the same day 

the winter view from my favourite place to chill in Sapporo- the 4 chome plaza starbucks! 

JR (japan rail) train to home pulling into sapporo station 

believe it or not, this is the inside of a MALL. It had a river, a waterfall, and gardens as well as a windmill and a giant old beer factory. 

disdain
I am feeling slightly sad. Probably because of that damn emo music that we were listening to in the car on the way home. I don't care if "nobody cares at all". Get over it. Or slit your wrists. One or the other, but either way quit whining and stop releasing records about how nobody cares about you. Fuck.

It was the going away party for kids from work today. It was all fun until it was over. Then it was like sudden withdrawal. Not seeing these kids again is a pretty sad prospect. But I'll still be seeing Frank on a pretty regular basis as far as I'm concerned.

See Melissa! It does look like Orthanc, doesn't it? 

temple in snow 

statues

Oh no Melissa, you shouldn't have asked. Oh well. The statues are to the goddess who protects children, and those symbols you see on them are names. Names that parents have given to their babies who were never born.

goodbye japan 

cherry blossom viewing picnic (hanami)

This was on one of the many days that I went to meet Motonari at Hokkaido University. Taken on May 12th, just when the sakura or cherry trees were blooming. In Japan when the cherry trees are blooming everyone goes out to have picnics and barbecues and look at them. One thing of note is that Hokkaido is renowned in Japan for it's incredibly late bloom times.

miko and natalia

Yeah. It looks blurry because it is blurry. This is a picture of one of the miko of Hokkaido Jingu, the main Shinto shrine of Hokkaido. For those of you who don't know, the mikos work as shrine maidens and supposedly have to be virgins to qualify for the job. The girl on the right is one of the exchange students from my school, visiting from Chile.

view from the house

Just to give you an idea of exactly how close the mountains were (from my second host family). I really, really do miss them. It's some kind of weird psychological thing.

shinrin koen
I really did love that forest. It was completely silent, and while I was there snow was always falling in a thick, secret kind of way, like feathers falling from the sky. But it was the kind of emptiness that felt so full. The air was strangely charged. Very alive.

lavender fields

So I figured out how to add the photos... or rather I downloaded that "hello" thing. So now I can add photos. So this is a photo of the lavender fields that I went to just before I left. I already sent a different picture to everybody that knows this address... well, maybe not everyone, but most of them, so there may not be much point. But oh well.

Anyway, in other news. I'm back in town. I was planning on going through and trying to individually surprise everyone but... yeah. I can't really think of ways to nor do I have the energy/attention span/motivation to. I might be having a welcome back party at some point. But we'll see. I really do want to see everyone again.

Today it's kind of humid. When the weather is such that I stick to chairs and other pieces of furniture, I tend to wish for one of two things: death or a lake to swim in.

CDs I'm craving lately: Mizerable (I can't believe I left it in Japan), Scarlet's Walk, Without You I'm Nothing

there is a blue which speaks to me of divine things

It just started raining, and I'm in love.
With the rain that is.

The second part of that post, only changed to fit now.

A few minutes ago, this girl that I've been talking to lately and her friend came running down the hall at me. "WAIT a minute" they said. I waited.

"Ichi, ni, san, JE T'AIME!!!"

And then they ran.

Hahaha, I love these kids.

I was just reminded that the reason why I haven't been updating my blog like a maniac is not because I don't have anything to talk about, I just thought that I didn't.

So now I will talk about the two themes suggested to me; electronic toilets and being attacked by gaijin-loving japanese girls.

So I'll start with the toilets, because, well, I don't know why. They're quite interesting. Many of them have heated seats, which is quite nice compared to the sometimes cold seats one... encounters on frigid winter mornings in Canada. A lot of them have sort of... soft seats. But one of the weird things is that they also have all these crazy controls on the side. And what are they for you ask? Well... for washing things. But the funny thing is that the water is always heated, and you can control the jet's location, power, motion, everything. It's so foreign.

Hey readers,

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I actually forgot that I had a blog. Hehe. Anyway, here's something that I wrote the other day, just kind of having a dialogue with myself. It may be interesting. But who knows. See ya! SOON


I am writing with the purpose of finding an idea. I am not yet sure as to which idea it is, but this is typical and to be expected as it is an idea that I have never before known. In this particular instance I am writing without the crutch of music to massage and grope my creative mind (I was going to say the instrument of my creation, then realized the phallic undertones of such phrase and changed my mind).

Yesterday an idea came into my head and out of my mouth, which I immediately accepted to be my own. My roommate Tokio said to me that he has two girlfriends. My mouth twisted in disgust. My mind immediately told me that it was wrong, and that this Tokio was less than I had thought him to be. I accepted this idea to be my own, and judged him next to the set of morals that I had labeled as my own.

Today, however, I realized that this set of morals was not my own. This idea of having more than one female “love” interests being wrong was not one of my original thoughts. It was one that society had projected into my brain and that I had accepted to be true. From this point I had come to forget that this was an idea that had been introduced into my head, and it merged into the set of ideas, values and rules that have come to define something of what I am.

It makes me begin to wonder how far this veritable brain-washing extends. What percentage of my kangae-kata is truly my own and what percentage was drafted and grown like the shoot of a plant?

The Dark Side
***************************************************************************************
The Light Side

I am writing because I have found an idea. However, what interests me about this idea is that it was an original idea. It is one that I know came from me. But what interests me is that it is an idea I know that someone else has also created in the past.

The idea was very similar to that of Plato’s cave. I concluded after an hour-long thinking period that people were only the product of light shone through moving water. This was originally in my head only applied to physical features, but around 5 minutes after the first conclusion I extended this idea onto morals and personality. All of it was only a collection of light that had been shone onto something else, and the light itself was the actual essence of the person or thing.

Moments later I noticed the nostalgia of this idea, well, not nostalgia, but my subconscious mind was notifying my conscious mind of the existence of a very similar idea in my memory banks. After a few moments of picking through the finer mental images I found Plato’s Cave to be the idea that my subconscious mind was trying to notify me of. I smiled and said something like “no way” out loud. I had realized this idea without any reliance on anyone else’s ideas, and had by sheer coincidence come to the same conclusion that a very famous philosopher came to a long time ago.

Shaken, and stirred

As in earthquakes and lemon tea (or Raymone Tee as the japanese say). Colds are not fun, especially in foreign countries.

I Lost My Bracelet!

I did. And it makes me sad.
dare ga fusagareta kono hitomi no oku ni fureru no darou
yureru kagerou no naka de mitsumeteita tsuki ga warau

I think god is trying to make me steal. He keeps stealing things from me, and then making everything expensive. But Karma's a bitch, and I don't want it to bite me in the ass.

I have come up with a way to send pictures, and feel like the biggest dumbass on earth that I didn't think of it earlier. I just bought a floppy disk, and save them off my laptop, then bring them to school. So over the next few days/weeks, expect pictures.

So here you must vote on what I send first. The choices are:

1.Temple Pictures
2.Shrine Pictures
3.Kimono Pictures (including some bad pictures of me in a yutaka)
4.Debbie and My fieldtrip to Sapporo Old City Hall (including some nice shots of the peach? blossoms)
5.Hokkaido Shrine fieldtrip pictures
6.Sakura Pictures (not that good)
7.Cape Kamui pictures
8.Various japanese "cultural" pictures (including a male Yamamba HAHAHA!)

My Joy Will Be Complete

Anthony it could be worse Lord Anthony it could be worse Anthony it could be worse

Phew, almost lost myself there for a bit, then re-awoke to the light of Belle and Sebastian. And yeah, it could be worse. It is really hard to deny the christian undertones though, especially in "If you Find Yourself Caught in Love". Prayers to the man above, etc. A bit concerning, but if caught in love is the most preaching they'll ever do then I am content.

I keep hearing about a gay marriage in Massachusetts, and it's getting kind of old.

Speaking of getting old, it's my birthday this Saturday. 18. I guess that's supposed to be a big number, but it doesn't seem very intimidating from this close.

I am currently quite displeased with my hair and overall physical appearance, but I don't think I can do very much about it right now. Am also currently quite hungry.

Let's see if we can't think of something thought-provoking. Nope.

1.My Joy Will Be Complete
2.You know I'm not dead
3.With raven hands

I was bored in computers class, so I went quiz hunting. Here are the results.

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, What Kind of Name Should You Have?, is You?e a dreamer - James, Caitlin, Mortimer or Lucy

Li>My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Insects do You Indentify with? (what bugs are on your tiny totem?), is dragonfly

Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Centaur:
Centaurs are calm down to earth beings who love the
planet. You like to help people and volunteer
to do many things other wont. You dont care
about credit, however, and feel a good deed is
its own reward.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


your fuck.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You should be dating a Leo.
23 July - 22 August
This mate is honest and loyal, with a sunny
disposition. Though this lion has the tendency
to be arrogant, sulky or smug, he/she is
unrestrained in bed.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla


You'd bite their neck and drain their blood! Why?
Because you're a vampire like me! Whats that?
You're not a vampire? Well here's your chance.




How would you Murder?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Second
Today I found an online journal. It was pretty nostalgic, mostly in the sad ways. Don't you hate it when things come up tragic. I think... yes. I just might.

Blogs are scary, scary things.

Why is it that no matter how far apart you feel, you're always still in reach?
It's almost unfair.

Melancholy
Melancholy
Melancholy

I can never be interesting because I am still so full of I.

My Hands are small
But they're not yours, they are my own.

So originally I was going to make one post everyday all school week detailing my boring emotions and detached feelings to all the blogging world, but then I lost the motivation *shocker*. So now I'm just going to ramble.

I watched the Last Samurai in Japanese yesterday, and it was actually quite interesting. Although if I was in Canada I'm sure I would have given a bad review, because I'm in Japan it seemed more interesting. But, by the end of the movie, I was suffering from a completely contradictory hate/love for the Japanese. Hey! They have a word for that! It's ???or aizo. They actually seem to have lots of weird little opposite kanji-pairings. Hmm... Interesting.

Anyway, it all had to do with the Meiji Era. During this time, Japan went through extreme changes in a very short period of time. The Emperor, or rather the Emperor's council, decided that in order for Japan to remain a strong nation, it would have to assimilate and perfect Western Culture, which of course led to the deaths of so many unique cultural practices. That was not really what bothered me, however. What bothered me was that they half-knew what they were doing, and proceeded with it anyway. They killed their own culture and then had the gauze to mourn for it.

I don't think it's really possible to live here and not both hate and love the japanese though. It seems like it's just a thing.

Everytime I make a bank withdrawal here, it charges $5 ! from my bank account! Can you believe that!? arg. Oh well.

I wish that I had something to say. But whenever I have something to say, I always sit and say nothing. Like a good little boy.

Japan Moods

Yet another of the things I've noticed since I've arrived here is that I go through fairly intense moods much more often than I did in Canada. I a lot this once more to the effects of being away from friends, who tend to act as sort of mood-balancers. It's really interesting how communication affects people.

Posting: Create
What exactly does that mean? Create? Am I really creating? I would say that I'm relaying if anything.

But, in any case, I think today I shall rant, due to inspiration from Megan. Only I can't think of a topic on which to rant, so I will fall back on my old faithful ramble. I really wish that I could come off sounding more intellectual on these things. The problem is that my brain constantly rips through thoughts as they come into existence in my head, before I've had the opportunity to record any of them on... blogper.

So I'll start with a thought that's been hanging around my skull since the weekend. I just realized that when I return, I will never have another class with the "Gifties" again. I will never see the familiar faces of the class of 2004 walking down the hallways of PHS again. For me, that story is over. It was a shock. Suddenly being made aware of a missing piece of my life experience. Somebody just pulled a veritable Jenga piece out of my side, threatening imminent mental collapse. Why was this happening to me? Had I not known this before? Did I not care then? Had I, in all of my infinite spite for everything related to high school and human interaction, dismissed this idea as meaningless in the grander scheme of things?

Don't get me wrong, I don't give a damn about never being able to sit through a class with the same people again. It's just that realization that the format will be changed. Variables will be removed and all new ones added. On top of that, as I have already been physically removed from the day-to-day scenario of interacting with the same people, the process will not be gradual. It is already over.

That sounds slightly inhuman, and it doesn't really capture what I'm trying to say. I won't miss everyone, but I will miss lots of people. I will miss smiles, and voices, and even irritating habits.

Given this sudden absence of... roots?, my mind began to struggle to fill the gap. Who would replace those people who would move on. What are they like? When will I meet them? How? What will they mean to me, and how will the value of the people from the past change?

This was all in the space of around 2 minutes, as I was walking through Hokkaido University's main campus. And at the height of it, I came around the corner and saw this beautiful pond with a little waterfall. The water was clear and at the bottom were millions of different coloured pebbles. I was with Motonari at the time, but he had walked a little ahead and turned down a different path to explore.

I stopped and stared. A stunning cherry tree hung suspended over the main body of the pond.

A single cherry petal fell to the water and rippled.
And I understood.

Pathetic, but consistent

Yep, that's me!

The Sakura have begun to bloom around my house, and two days ago I went around taking some pictures (in honour of your request Melissa). They turned out pretty good, and I can't wait until I have the opportunity to send them.... if that time ever comes. Once again, I have no internet access that is compatible with my laptop. It is sad, but it means that I have lots and lots of pictures to show. So maybe a party when I get back? With a slideshow? That would be fun.

But of course that means I have to work on getting some experiences worth reciting. Herm. It's a project.

I can't think of anything particularily intersting to talk about right now. I have to buy my bus pass later. And my subway pass. My my it is expensive to live in Japan. No joke, the MOST expensive country in the world, without question.

Everything in Japan is small, and expensive.

Yes, I'm aware of the danger. Trying to simultaneously blog and e-mail, with a time limit. I know that the chances of anything coming of it are slim to none. Yet still I try.

That reminds me of a horrible song which I have just erased from my head.

I made apple pie for my host teacher, as well as a bunch of friends who came over to her house. It was pretty fun, but also thoroughly exhausting. And the recipe was entirely from memory, so it wasn't quite as delicious as the real thing. I still have to make two more to give to Hinako's family, as they've been driving me to school everyday, and to Marii's family, for inviting me over and feeding me. I actually kind of enjoy this gift giving business, as pompous as it seems sometimes. It's kind of nice to give things to people.

I'm thinking about trying to get to Kyoto for my birthday. That would kick ass! They have this really cool airfare deal here in Japan where you can go anywhere within Japan during the week of, week after, or week before your birthday for ??10000 . . . so around $100 canadian. Plus my host teacher has friends that I could stay with in Kyoto... and she said that I should just go stay in a temple, because it's really cheap and has all vegetarian meals! Sounds good to me. (And maybe I'd meet that temple man's daughter.... but watch, it'd be Ayaka {*not to be confused with previous host sister Ayaka}...blech)

I had a strange dream, but I can't really remember it now. Have decided to attempt to spike my hair tomorrow. Oh! And I'll be moving to a new host family on ... next monday. So Canada's sunday. They have four dogs and live really close to Hokkaido Jinja, which is the biggest shrine on Hokkaido (I've already been there, hehe), and surrounded by this gorgeous park full of cherry trees that bloom in May. Sweet deal.

Amorphic with a guilt complex

*note, title has nothing to do with post

So I guess I'll start with the usual, the mountains. I know you're all quite thoroughly sick of hearing about them, but today they are the most gorgeous that I have ever seen them. It's kind of cloudy and cast over. From where I'm sitting, in front of a giant window, I can see Sapporo off to the right, and beyond that, the ocean. The clouds are moving parallel to the mountains towards the ocean, so there's a bit of a gap (as in a few miles) between the school and the mountains, of blue sky. The clouds are spilling rain over the further back, taller mountains, blurring them into a light grey blue, and turning the rain into a wall of crystal pierced by light. Every detail on the mountains closer to me is thrown into sharp relief because of the lighting, so I can see almost every tree on them. An eagle is just now flying over the plain.

Beautiful.

The bell rang.

Hijack

Don't question my authority or put me in the docks
Cuzimnot
cuzimnot
All hail to the thief
All hail to the thief
BUT I'M NOT

I hate Bush. And Koizumi.

So Life is existing and all of that wonderful emptiness. What's with the war theme? Interesting. I hadn't noticed.
I am currently in a state of enlightened rambling, so if you're not up for it run!

Nevermind, a lot of my energy was just wasted on an e-mail intented on informing people of my continued state of existence.

I was just wondering: have you guys heard about those three japanese people that are being held hostage in Iraq? One of them was the student council president of THIS SCHOOL when I arrived here. He's a really nice, really great guy and I personally am actually quite worried about him, even though probably the most we've ever said was Hello. His name is Noriaki Imai (stations keep mis-printing it as "Naoki" which is a girl's name), and he is only 18 years old, but has already written a book. He went to Iraq to help with relief efforts and to gather information on , to my understanding, the effects of Uranium weapons or the lives of people in countries affected by Uranium weapons, but in any case not for any hostile reasons and certainly not in support of the situation in Iraq. And he has actually already organized and founded an NGO or non-governmental organization, oh , here's a segment of an article on the issue; "Imai is a member of a group trying to raise awareness about the health hazards facing civilians in Iraq from depleted uranium munitions used by US troops. Another hostage, 34-year-old Nahoko Takato, worked with street children in the war-torn country." - the scotsman.com or some such nonsense. In any case, he's a really great kid and I'm quite worried so if any of you pray...

Hmmm... So all that I've been able to do on the matter so far is sign some petition and fold paper cranes--- and you should see how many paper cranes. There are thousands of them hanging in the atrium. And this is his NGO website: http://members.jcom.home.ne.jp/no_du_sapporo/

So anyway, that's all I have to say for now.

The Bad Sleep

I had this really horrible nightmare two nights ago. I can't remember how it started, but I ended up in this hangar, like for airplanes, only it was inside a giant airplane... and I couldn't see any actual airplanes within the airplane.... sorry, that's really confusing. Just imagine a floating hangar. There was me, my mother, this girl that I knew in the dream but not in reality, and this other guy who doesn't exist. We were all sort of dressed-up strangely. My mother and the guy, who I will refer to as "the baron", were like commanders in a war. I was, to my horror, a pilot. This dream was one of those almost-lucid dreams, where you sort of fall out of the character that you are in the dream and start having real-life emotions. So my mother is explaining to me and this girl our mission, and where we have to fly and drop bombs and where the enemies will be etc, and all the while I'm really excited. But all of the sudden it was like my real consciousness was thrust into my dream body and I realized that I could die. And then I was completely horrified and the next thing I remember was flying through those black clouds of bombs that had already gone off, then I woke up. But it was really scary. I hate War

Let us lay in the Sun and count every beautiful thing that we see
I hate to rave about the mountains so much, but seriously! If you have not yet seen real mountains in your lifetime, leave your house, find a car and drive to the Rockies! Now!

Now that that's out of the way, today is another beautiful day in Sapporo. One slightly strange thing that I've noticed is that the sky never seems to turn completely blue. Only in random patches.

I went for a walk in the woods the day before yesterday, and all the snow has been melting lately, which is sort of a problem, because it makes the snow in the woods very soft, so you immediately fall through 3 ft. of it as soon as you put your foot down. But underneath the snow, everything is still green. Isn't that weird? Plants in Japan don't die in winter, just get covered in feet of snow and continue to live.

I also got some really cool pictures that day that I hope to send at some point.

Answers to Clyde's e-mail, and therefore probably a lot of your questions as well

1. Pertaining to rules:
Yes, most of the rules that I have are still in effect, such as not being able to use e-mail or call people etc... But most if not all of the other ones have seemingly disappeared. Now I'm allowed to associate with fellow exchange students and go out pretty much whenever I want wherever I want.

2. Am I staying with this host family:
At the moment, yes. We had a discussion and a few of the problems were ironed out. JFIE, my exchange program, wants me to stay. Whereas the people in charge of the exchanges at the school want me to change host families. So irregardless of whether I want to switch host families or not, the school is still looking for new hosts for me. It won't be a problem, because the application forms dispensed to the students of the school do not contain information about the exchange students until after the host family has been varified. Plus I'm still only technically with this host family until June 30th, so that could also be a good reason to switch host families.

3. What are the other exchange students like:
Currently there are 3 other exchange students. Two boys, one girl. The first boy is Greg. He has a face that is always red, is fairly chubby, and has green-blue eyes. He likes alcohol and pornography. We normally wouldn't get along very well, but being white in an asian world does strange things to people. The second boy is Nigel. He has blonde hair, a cleft lip and green eyes. His face is also always red. (Isn't that strange? I don't think it's a very common trait...) He likes soccer and singing.....badly. He also likes alcohol. Both the guys are kind of immature and always thinking about sex, but too self-conscious and childish to actually do anything about it. And they both think they could "get any girl in the school". Riiiight.
The third is the saving grace of the exchange program. Debbie and I have very similar interests and a similar japanese skill level. She's a Chinese-canadian and is 16 years old. We'll probably be going to the gackt concert together. We also have both joined the same clubs: badminton and art.

4. This is a whole bunch of questions, so bear (sp?) with me.
I'm painting some random boring painting that I can't keep control of in art club, not that picture. (cough) It probably would be horrible to be a writer, but I don't think I would regret anything I wrote. Right now I'm living in a sort of suburb that I think only exists in Japan. It's like straight out of a TV show, with all of the houses sort of elevated on what seems like piles of stones. But houses in Japan are quite small. Everything is small in Japan. I sing in both english and in japanese while in Japan, but in karaoke mostly japanese (the opportunity is too good to pass up). You (clyde) would probably have to write quite a lot of long rambling e-mails to make me stop reading them, as they're quite enjoyable. As for reading the little prince in french: yes I did. London.... mmm sounds good. Remember how my mother said she wanted to move us all (my family) to britain for a year? Even if I was in university? I did read Winnie the pooh as a child, and no it was not that horrible disney version. I do identify fairly strongly with my name, but lately I've gotten nothing but Ri-A-Mu, so I can't say that it's impossible for me to identify with another. No, I don't have any idea how different I am than I was a month ago, I've been inside my head the whole time. Pouting is a word. I do actually fancy a cup of tea, and I'm drinking some as I type. (not as we speak, as I originally wrote) If you stopped liking B&S, then that would mean you had given up on life, which would mean you were at least 30 years of age, and so do not have to worry about it for at least 13 years. No. Wait. 12!

What should I do?
Okay kids, serious decision making time. To be perfectly honest, I am despising this host family at the moment. But that's just the problem, I go back and forth from hating to enjoying.
Here are my reasons for wanting to leave:
A)I am restricted from all communication with the outside world at this locale.
B)I do not appreciate my host sister (at best), am uneasy around my host father, and am becoming uncomfortable with my host mother.
C)I am not allowed to go out by myself
D)I am not allowed to go out with other exchange students
E)I am not allowed to contact other exchange students
F)They have given me alcohol (which I enjoyed, but which is still against the rules)
G)They're really fucking weird
H)Yesterday morning, my host father actually hit me with some pamphlet (It didn't hurt, but he HIT me, unprovoked)
*I will give further details on this incident below
I)They consistently force me to hang around them, which is not something I always want to do.
J)I am just overall constantly feeling negative and uncomfortable.
K)Today the mother asked me if I was a man, and yesterday they seemed offended when I told them I didn't like sports.
L)They are constantly whispering and talking about me while I am present
M)Thus far there have been around 6 argument-like discussions in which I am singled out and ganged up on with feined attempts at "communication" (aka bullying in a foreign language)
I don't feel like writing this anymore.

Reasons for wanting to stay:
A)I am more or less settled here
B)I don't want this to be ruined
C)I am nervous/afraid of contacting the group
D)I like the non-family people that I am around
E)I don't know where I would go, and I have exchange student friends here
F)I have a really nice Japanese teacher who sympathizes with me

Okay, so what happened yesterday, with the whole hitting thing: In the morning, I felt like doing something. And, as I don't like the host sister, I asked if I could call Debbie (another exchange student), the two parents looked back and forth "okay" said the mom, and walked away. The father stared off into the distance. Silence. I asked once more if it was okay, in case he didn't hear me. "Chotto matte (wait a sec)" he said. Okay. He walks into the living room, and goes to get the the group rulebook. I am FUCKING SICK of the the group rulebook, as I have seen it no fewer than 5 times so far. I say "nevermind, iiyo iiyo" and walk away to go resume studying my japanese. He continues to fiddle with the book and the mother comes into the room. "Nani suru no? (what are you doing?)" she says. They babble, and she comes and sits on the couch across from me. "Why do you want to talk to Debbie (translated, as the text from here on will be)?" "Because she's my friend" "Oh, is that why?" More innane babble between parents. "It's okay, nevermind!" I say, becoming quite thoroughly frustrated. "Are you okay?" says mother. "I'm fine. Nevermind" She walks away. Next thing I know, I'm being hit in the head. "Here! Look!" says the father. I am thoroughly confused as to why I have been struck with a booklet.

He points at rule #9, which is as follows: "Students should refrain from contacting other exchange students while on exchange, except for during the group activities (which do not actually exist) such as summer camp, etc. (does not exist). However, contact by the phone, the e-mail and the letter are allowed.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that say I can talk to people on the phone? AND e-mail them? Apparently, it does not translate the same way.

"Okay okay" I say, as I no longer care and am extremely frustrated and eager to get back to my studies.

Me and host sister go see a movie, which I add costed $13, and when I return yet another meeting is called. It turns out, father got angry because mother got angry. Mother got angry because she felt that I was not taking her "communication" seriously. From now on, the new rule is that I must take communication seriously, and look in their eyes when they talk to me.

...............what .............the....................fuck!?

And today when I got home, my host mother asked me if I was a man. Because she thought I was between a man and a woman. As I have no sexual preference, I deem this to be more or less accurate. But I concede to being a man so as not to provoke further incident. Now I must "train" and become a "good man"....... Because I am feminine? Talk about an uncomfortable situation. Commentary please? I hope to make a decision about this over the next three days at the latest.

Jibun no tokee / ????????v?@
Yesterday, I felt the pang of homesickness for the first time.?@All because of that CD that Clyde made for me. Extremely sadness-inducing, but excellent all the same. Oh well, it's only for five months. I can live. Even though now I'm not allowed to go for walks by myself. Why? Because it's DANGEROUS!!!! God only knows, some random salaryman walking down the street could look at me THREE times in stead of only TWO!

Whatever.

At the moment, it's snowing, that beautiful kind of snow that just sort of slowly glides to the ground. Japan is absolutely beautiful, almost beyond description. The other day I was walking out of school and down the path towards the busses and I turned, and saw the mountains from my school. There is an insanely beautiful view from my school. The clouds were fluffy and grey mixed with white, and there was one blocking the sun so that the light split into individual rays and shot out all around it. Over the mountains, across the vast spaces in between me and them, over the mountains it was just beginning to snow so that the lines were slightly blurred and everything was bathed in light. It was unreal. I felt like crying. The other kids rushed to the bus around me. Nobody saw. That is why Japan is insane. They . Did. Not. See.

That night I felt a little bit angry.

I hope you're all doing well. My e-mail has not been working from the school, and if it's not working tomorrow I'm just going to use it from here anyway and tell them that I'm sending pictures. The new exchange student is really nice, and at around the same level of japanese competence as I am, so it's been really good for me. Plus, we both like Gackt and art. Which is also good. It is necessary to have someone with whom to share obsessions.

The bakeries here are amazing. And cheap! It costs about $3 for two loafs of this amazingly yummy chocolate vanilla bread that is definitely of high quality. They make everything fresh and sell it low price. It's strange the things that cost a lot here and nothing there. And what's considered cool here and what's not.

Oh, and about how I thought everyone looked the same: they do. It was true. One would think that, in a school where your entire appearance EXCEPT for your hair is governed by the school, people would attempt to look unique... But alas, it is not true. All boys have the exact same hair. Boring.

Lol, and as a side-story, they all think that I'm a major bad-ass for having red in my hair. And my ears pierced? Girls aren't even allowed to do that here.

Hahahahahahahaha
Love

Hmmmm
Happy leap year day! Or at least I think it should be by now there.... But I really don't understand time to whatever. Okay, it's 3 o clock in the morning there. Yes, it is 5 PM, and I am still at school. Why you ask? Because kids here often times have class until 7 PM!!!!! I'm pretty sure that the japanese are insane.
Oh, and I am no longer allowed to use e-mail from home. And I can't view blogs from the school computers, so I can't see anyone's replies... unless I can somehow convince my host family to allow me to use the internet at home.
Jeez, even now there're still at least 40 kids in the library studying. I'm the only one on the computer.

Wow, I just actually managed to help someone with there english. I like that... Hmm

Okay, so yes, sorry I was slightly distracted.
Oh yeah, so people here are officially insane. I'm inclined to believe that they don't know how to have fun anymore. Everyone is studying... The rule here is at least 4 hours a night. 4 HOURS A NIGHT! AND THEY DON'T LEAVE SCHOOL UNTIL 4 AT THE EARLIEST!!!

I'm hoping to get to that Gackt concert, as it is right here in Sapporo, so I'm thinking of trying to get my host mother to call Makomanai Ice Arena for me to find out how to get tickets... if there are tickets.... but of course there are tickets, right?

So I bought two CDs already, Crescent and Mizerable, both by Gackt. Ah... ?K?N?g?@..... It's so much fun to be able to actually write in japanese here.
Alright, this library is closing so I have to go. See ya!

The Neverending Day
I believe that that day must have been the strangest of my life thus far... Can you imagine following the sun around the world? During my entire 12 hour flight over the pacific ocean, the sun maintained the exact same position in the sky. As a result, I ended up not sleeping for a little over 30 hours. I almost missed the first flight from Toronto to Vancouver, and , consequentially, didn't get a chance to say good-bye to mom and Caitlin. Which was quite sad, but at the time I was slightly too excited to really care. I ended up not being able to meet that girl who was on the same flight as me headed to Osaka, since I was so late. But oh well, it didn't really matter anyway.

Thankfully, on the flight, I discovered that my fear of heights and planes is gone! It was so exciting to be up so high... The world is so beautiful from above. I got to see the Rockies! The ROCKIES! They were absolutely gorgeous.

And the plane ride from Vancouver to Japan was really, really long and relatively uneventful. I ended up seeing around 4 movies. But I was sitting next to this really nice Japanese girl who has lived in Montreal with her boyfriend for two years, so that was useful. Oh, and the first thing I saw in Japan? Some random mountains.... Second: MT FUJI!!! I got some okay pictures from the window of the plane which I will eventually send. Anyway, that's about it for right now... I think my host parents are waiting for me to go to bed to turn the alarm system on... So , good night... or ........morning. Whatever.

Walls and Gardens, Castles in the Sky
Well, let's see... I went downtown a lot, talked to Kaoru a lot. Missed people a lot. Life continues and moves and flows and is overall good. It seems like I never have anything to say on these things... so maybe I'll just start rambling. Currently, I am at Clyde's residence chewing gum from a gumball that surprisingly did fit in my mouth, while Clyde's was too big for her mouth.

Interesting quote: "No, it's just on and off they smell bad... and they vomit. Nobody really knows why..."

I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand . When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am. And in this sweet madness, this glorious sadness....

It's especially funny because everybody will read that first half, and then if they care at all they'll try to make inferences into my current mental state thinking that it's actually relevant, even though I only wrote it because I like it and was listening to it at the time. Maybe the second half applies though. I suppose the second half always applies.

I can't really imagine myself on that plane flying away. Not yet anyway. It seems like it'll be really lonely and somehow seperate from the rest of time... like I'll just be tucked away for a while until I can thaw out elsewhere. Somewhere very alien and stark where I'll always seem different. I'm not really worried about it, I can just imagine it happening really easily. It'll be interesting to see how it all works out. One week.

I wonder if time will still flow the same way.

I suppose at some point life will have to resume though.

And now, before it turns midnight and therefore tomorrow I wish Ashwini Persaud a very happy or at the very least bearable 18th birthday.

Sometimes it seems like life flows into all these bizarre corners that shouldn't really exist in your particular life, and that you're feeling emotions that don't even belong to you. They always feel like they're really detached, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one that ever feels that way. And yet still, it doesn't really matter. I wonder if that's a problem, if not being able to really take anything seriously is a problem. Maybe it's just for me, if something is important then I feel like I should feel it and not have to value it, just be in it when it happens and let it leave when it leaves. But sometimes I do worry about my lack of worry. I palendrome I.

I wonder if life is really what I think it is. If it can be whatever I think it is whenever I think it is. Or if it can be for me but not for other people. Is everyone's life completely different? I don't think I can really fathom that. It seems like it should be bursting with connections, with just the minor details making it unique.

walking waking life in the making tripping falling stumbling towards staggering fingertips illuminated in stuttering starlight sputtering towards infinite burning through lovelifehatedeath hazards happenstance wit and wisdom clever child but don't you muster that courage today your knees are skinned and I've got your balloon on my string so hush now and smile while the light lasts

well, I hope that was entertaining for you all. I bid you adieu

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