thing no.2 

I wanted to walk through the empty streets
And feel something constant under my feet,
But all the news reports recommended thatI stay indoors
Because the air outside will make our cells
Divide at an alarming rate until our shells
Simply cannot hold all our insides in,
And that's when we'll explode
(and it won't be a pretty sight)

hosting "ambassadors"
What should I do with the kid!?
Help!
(the kid refers to my friend motonari, and I'm just looking for ideas for what to do with him while he's here.)

edit:

also, I've changed addresses again no NOT because of what you said, so update your links or favourites or just re-memorize it. it's been changed on my msn profile and dan's blog anyway. also, courtesy of Dan the techno Man, that horrible blogger ... thing at the top of the site is dead, and I have links. And then I followed Dan's example and started a music, etc. link thing. near the bottom on the left. so you know.

edit 2:
AND I hate Billy Corgan. http://www.netphoria.org/#ihafault
careful billy... your inner fucktard is showing.

Songs I like . A lot. (in no particular order)
birdcage
the pool
3 libras
bells for her
emu for my dear
to sheila
all apologies
get me away from here I'm dying
paint pastel princess
blister in the sun
rain
it's not up to you
thirty-three
song for eric
if she wants me
ana's song
isobel
angie (tori version)
my dream girl don't exist
undo
emotion sickness
joga

drive ins and irritation
I. am pissed off. I don't really mind being treated like shit. Hell, I think I've demonstrated this a hell of a lot of times. However, when it comes to my friends and guests being treated like shit also, I fucking take offense.

And now I am no longer angry. Thank god for writing things out.

me; 

tori thanks to hereinmyhead.com

intricacy
Webs woven around the sound, rippling on the lake and dropping somewhere on this leaf, this one right here, where we had been speaking until now.

song for eric

i wait all day for my sailor and sometimes he comes

see you over hill and dale
riding on the wind i see
you know me, you know me like the nightingale
"oh fair maiden, i see you standing there"
will you hold me for just a fair time
the tune is playing in the fair night
i see you in my dreams
fair boy your eyes haunt me...

by tori

I should stop staying up so late. I should stop being so superficial. I should apparently stop mentioning anything about bands I like on MY OWN SITE. I should start drawing again. I should start caring more. I should stop being lazy. I should be more creative. I should walk more and be driven less. I should be a more kind person. I should clean my bathroom. I should speak in clearer terms. I should allow myself to fall from time to time. I should stop side-stepping my own conscience. I should become more aware of my surroundings. I should pay more attention to the feelings of those around me. I should be more responsible. I should accept good will in all it's forms. I should cleanse my head of insecurities. I should reach out. I should be a leader. I should ....sleep

my dream girl don't exist

May I tell you the greatness of this song? Neutral Milk have a way of making suicide and horrible gloomy things seem so... happy? Maybe not happy but something like it.

my dream girl don't exist. and at the age of five she slit her wrists. she didn't know that I'd be hanging around. so her parents buried her in the ground. to this day I can still hear the sound of her laugh in outer space.

I really should be going to sleep. It's almost five am but I think the caffeine's done something to me. but now I've killed the music, which always kills my energy.

Alright. I'm going to sleep now. I'll post again tomorrow.
g'night.

glass 

embers
I finished reading Funny Boy last night, I would recommend it to anyone who likes to read, especially those who like more personal stories. I had never really sampled any books with the middle east (as in sri lanka if that really counts), and it was interesting how similar it seemed.

I just got back from the funeral for Jonathan. I was surprised at myself, I wasn't expecting to cry. I was never really good friends with him, but I do have a few memories. He was a really great kid, seemingly always smiling, really funny even if it wasn't on purpose, and it was very clear how many people he touched.

During the service at the actual cemetery, I was looking at Debbie, Jonathan's mother, and seeing the pain on her face and I started to cry. But suddenly, I think we both noticed it at the same time, one of those, you know those little fluff balls that you catch in your hands, well the kind that you can't catch and hold in your hands, you have to let them come to you and sometimes they'll let you hold them but they always seem to slip away before you're ready to let them go... one of those flew up from nowhere right over the coffin and Debbie stopped crying for a moment and so did I, and she started blowing at it, then closed her eyes. I watched it fly over the crowd and off, way way up into the sky.

I'd like to think that it meant something.

See you later Jono.

drivenwith sycamores

There was a way about the smell of the trees that evening. They hummed and buzzed like the memories of a million insects all exploding like fireworks in the autumn night. I could tell that something was sitting, just in the light, right on the tip of my tongue begging and coaxing to be let out. But I'm a little afraid to let that melody roam you know...

Goodbye Charlotte

I was coming home from the diner today
And I stopped to look at the clouds
They were all silver horses
On their way to the ocean

The way they flew over the fields
Shadows coming and passing
I will admit
They scared me just a bit

And now I’m watching every little fear sink into the black
And I thought I’d tell you
Goodbye Charlotte

In those days I was a little naïve
Always thought that we were chasing the sun
Never realized we were just running in circles
Even while our laughter echoed

I took every penny that I had
Took them straight to the sea
Felt my toes in the wet sand
Felt myself for the first time in years

And now I’m standing in the surf feeling the wet wind in my hair
And I thought I’d tell you
Goodbye Charlotte

I went dancing in a hall at the harbour
I went for a walk in the moonlight
I went picking up seashells on the shore
But I could swear they were pieces of my life


And now I’m driving to North Carolina with the windows rolled down
And I thought I’d tell you
Goodbye Charlotte

I finally got my wings

by me.

I have unplugged myself. I am becoming aware of my own scent.

and we are just about to explode

Liam in Ragged Falls 

spider webs dripping with dew 

Liam circa the days of the broken road 

insane reflections 

swimming down waterfalls
They may hurt a bit, but in the long run, they're good for the soul. Stevey, Megan and myself decided to see how well they work as water slides on Saturday. It turns out that they work okay, only you may be in for a few more cuts and bruises than you might get at your average water park. But it was fun. It was a really nice few days. The weather was, as is typical of Algonquin, very changeable. I got some very nice photos, I just regret that I didn't get any of the actual sliding down the waterfall. Later on that night I saw the most amazing shooting star I have ever seen, with all of the milky way and the forests of the north as a backdrop. Incredible. I wish my camera could pick up stars.

there is no such thing as coinicidence 

Created from Everything
current book: Funny Boy
current song: Bells for Her
probable theme of tomorrow: A Sorta Fairytale

You have to love everything sometimes. It's when the sleeplessness falls into ripples and suddenly you're melting in reality. It feels warm.

Today I had another song blow in the window and hit me in the brain. Hence my MSN name of the day: Rose Song. I haven't written any since Goodbye Charlotte. I was probably afraid of whatever I wrote sucking big time in comparison. There are times when you know that it's not your own creativity, that there is an actual story, a memory out of some time-spun fabric of being, that presents itself to you and lets you have it. It's when it spreads across your senses and you can hear it and feel it and smell it all at the same time.

I'm leaving for the cottage tomorrow. It should be wonderful. I really love being able to escape and find a corner of earth with a lake and trees. There's something that speaks to me in water. Plus I'm bringing my cd player. music + algonquin + friends = unbeatable combination. Provided I am not attacked and mauled by a bear.
and through the life force and there goes her friend on her nishiki it's out of timeand through the portal they can make amends

I remember my time at that cottage as being extremely creativeley stimulating. Which would be good. I'm bringing my camera.

and what's THIS!? One of Japan's famed blue-haired old ladies!!? Hahahaha. They were everywhere. Again taken from the starbucks on the same day 

the winter view from my favourite place to chill in Sapporo- the 4 chome plaza starbucks! 

JR (japan rail) train to home pulling into sapporo station 

believe it or not, this is the inside of a MALL. It had a river, a waterfall, and gardens as well as a windmill and a giant old beer factory. 

disdain
I am feeling slightly sad. Probably because of that damn emo music that we were listening to in the car on the way home. I don't care if "nobody cares at all". Get over it. Or slit your wrists. One or the other, but either way quit whining and stop releasing records about how nobody cares about you. Fuck.

It was the going away party for kids from work today. It was all fun until it was over. Then it was like sudden withdrawal. Not seeing these kids again is a pretty sad prospect. But I'll still be seeing Frank on a pretty regular basis as far as I'm concerned.

See Melissa! It does look like Orthanc, doesn't it? 

temple in snow 

statues

Oh no Melissa, you shouldn't have asked. Oh well. The statues are to the goddess who protects children, and those symbols you see on them are names. Names that parents have given to their babies who were never born.

goodbye japan 

cherry blossom viewing picnic (hanami)

This was on one of the many days that I went to meet Motonari at Hokkaido University. Taken on May 12th, just when the sakura or cherry trees were blooming. In Japan when the cherry trees are blooming everyone goes out to have picnics and barbecues and look at them. One thing of note is that Hokkaido is renowned in Japan for it's incredibly late bloom times.

miko and natalia

Yeah. It looks blurry because it is blurry. This is a picture of one of the miko of Hokkaido Jingu, the main Shinto shrine of Hokkaido. For those of you who don't know, the mikos work as shrine maidens and supposedly have to be virgins to qualify for the job. The girl on the right is one of the exchange students from my school, visiting from Chile.

view from the house

Just to give you an idea of exactly how close the mountains were (from my second host family). I really, really do miss them. It's some kind of weird psychological thing.

shinrin koen
I really did love that forest. It was completely silent, and while I was there snow was always falling in a thick, secret kind of way, like feathers falling from the sky. But it was the kind of emptiness that felt so full. The air was strangely charged. Very alive.

lavender fields

So I figured out how to add the photos... or rather I downloaded that "hello" thing. So now I can add photos. So this is a photo of the lavender fields that I went to just before I left. I already sent a different picture to everybody that knows this address... well, maybe not everyone, but most of them, so there may not be much point. But oh well.

Anyway, in other news. I'm back in town. I was planning on going through and trying to individually surprise everyone but... yeah. I can't really think of ways to nor do I have the energy/attention span/motivation to. I might be having a welcome back party at some point. But we'll see. I really do want to see everyone again.

Today it's kind of humid. When the weather is such that I stick to chairs and other pieces of furniture, I tend to wish for one of two things: death or a lake to swim in.

CDs I'm craving lately: Mizerable (I can't believe I left it in Japan), Scarlet's Walk, Without You I'm Nothing

there is a blue which speaks to me of divine things

It just started raining, and I'm in love.
With the rain that is.

The second part of that post, only changed to fit now.

A few minutes ago, this girl that I've been talking to lately and her friend came running down the hall at me. "WAIT a minute" they said. I waited.

"Ichi, ni, san, JE T'AIME!!!"

And then they ran.

Hahaha, I love these kids.

I was just reminded that the reason why I haven't been updating my blog like a maniac is not because I don't have anything to talk about, I just thought that I didn't.

So now I will talk about the two themes suggested to me; electronic toilets and being attacked by gaijin-loving japanese girls.

So I'll start with the toilets, because, well, I don't know why. They're quite interesting. Many of them have heated seats, which is quite nice compared to the sometimes cold seats one... encounters on frigid winter mornings in Canada. A lot of them have sort of... soft seats. But one of the weird things is that they also have all these crazy controls on the side. And what are they for you ask? Well... for washing things. But the funny thing is that the water is always heated, and you can control the jet's location, power, motion, everything. It's so foreign.

Hey readers,

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I actually forgot that I had a blog. Hehe. Anyway, here's something that I wrote the other day, just kind of having a dialogue with myself. It may be interesting. But who knows. See ya! SOON


I am writing with the purpose of finding an idea. I am not yet sure as to which idea it is, but this is typical and to be expected as it is an idea that I have never before known. In this particular instance I am writing without the crutch of music to massage and grope my creative mind (I was going to say the instrument of my creation, then realized the phallic undertones of such phrase and changed my mind).

Yesterday an idea came into my head and out of my mouth, which I immediately accepted to be my own. My roommate Tokio said to me that he has two girlfriends. My mouth twisted in disgust. My mind immediately told me that it was wrong, and that this Tokio was less than I had thought him to be. I accepted this idea to be my own, and judged him next to the set of morals that I had labeled as my own.

Today, however, I realized that this set of morals was not my own. This idea of having more than one female “love” interests being wrong was not one of my original thoughts. It was one that society had projected into my brain and that I had accepted to be true. From this point I had come to forget that this was an idea that had been introduced into my head, and it merged into the set of ideas, values and rules that have come to define something of what I am.

It makes me begin to wonder how far this veritable brain-washing extends. What percentage of my kangae-kata is truly my own and what percentage was drafted and grown like the shoot of a plant?

The Dark Side
***************************************************************************************
The Light Side

I am writing because I have found an idea. However, what interests me about this idea is that it was an original idea. It is one that I know came from me. But what interests me is that it is an idea I know that someone else has also created in the past.

The idea was very similar to that of Plato’s cave. I concluded after an hour-long thinking period that people were only the product of light shone through moving water. This was originally in my head only applied to physical features, but around 5 minutes after the first conclusion I extended this idea onto morals and personality. All of it was only a collection of light that had been shone onto something else, and the light itself was the actual essence of the person or thing.

Moments later I noticed the nostalgia of this idea, well, not nostalgia, but my subconscious mind was notifying my conscious mind of the existence of a very similar idea in my memory banks. After a few moments of picking through the finer mental images I found Plato’s Cave to be the idea that my subconscious mind was trying to notify me of. I smiled and said something like “no way” out loud. I had realized this idea without any reliance on anyone else’s ideas, and had by sheer coincidence come to the same conclusion that a very famous philosopher came to a long time ago.

Shaken, and stirred

As in earthquakes and lemon tea (or Raymone Tee as the japanese say). Colds are not fun, especially in foreign countries.

I Lost My Bracelet!

I did. And it makes me sad.
dare ga fusagareta kono hitomi no oku ni fureru no darou
yureru kagerou no naka de mitsumeteita tsuki ga warau

I think god is trying to make me steal. He keeps stealing things from me, and then making everything expensive. But Karma's a bitch, and I don't want it to bite me in the ass.

I have come up with a way to send pictures, and feel like the biggest dumbass on earth that I didn't think of it earlier. I just bought a floppy disk, and save them off my laptop, then bring them to school. So over the next few days/weeks, expect pictures.

So here you must vote on what I send first. The choices are:

1.Temple Pictures
2.Shrine Pictures
3.Kimono Pictures (including some bad pictures of me in a yutaka)
4.Debbie and My fieldtrip to Sapporo Old City Hall (including some nice shots of the peach? blossoms)
5.Hokkaido Shrine fieldtrip pictures
6.Sakura Pictures (not that good)
7.Cape Kamui pictures
8.Various japanese "cultural" pictures (including a male Yamamba HAHAHA!)

My Joy Will Be Complete

Anthony it could be worse Lord Anthony it could be worse Anthony it could be worse

Phew, almost lost myself there for a bit, then re-awoke to the light of Belle and Sebastian. And yeah, it could be worse. It is really hard to deny the christian undertones though, especially in "If you Find Yourself Caught in Love". Prayers to the man above, etc. A bit concerning, but if caught in love is the most preaching they'll ever do then I am content.

I keep hearing about a gay marriage in Massachusetts, and it's getting kind of old.

Speaking of getting old, it's my birthday this Saturday. 18. I guess that's supposed to be a big number, but it doesn't seem very intimidating from this close.

I am currently quite displeased with my hair and overall physical appearance, but I don't think I can do very much about it right now. Am also currently quite hungry.

Let's see if we can't think of something thought-provoking. Nope.

1.My Joy Will Be Complete
2.You know I'm not dead
3.With raven hands

I was bored in computers class, so I went quiz hunting. Here are the results.

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, What Kind of Name Should You Have?, is You?e a dreamer - James, Caitlin, Mortimer or Lucy

Li>My #1 result for the SelectSmart.com selector, Which Insects do You Indentify with? (what bugs are on your tiny totem?), is dragonfly

Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Centaur:
Centaurs are calm down to earth beings who love the
planet. You like to help people and volunteer
to do many things other wont. You dont care
about credit, however, and feel a good deed is
its own reward.


What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


your fuck.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You should be dating a Leo.
23 July - 22 August
This mate is honest and loyal, with a sunny
disposition. Though this lion has the tendency
to be arrogant, sulky or smug, he/she is
unrestrained in bed.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla


You'd bite their neck and drain their blood! Why?
Because you're a vampire like me! Whats that?
You're not a vampire? Well here's your chance.




How would you Murder?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Second
Today I found an online journal. It was pretty nostalgic, mostly in the sad ways. Don't you hate it when things come up tragic. I think... yes. I just might.

Blogs are scary, scary things.

Why is it that no matter how far apart you feel, you're always still in reach?
It's almost unfair.

Melancholy
Melancholy
Melancholy

I can never be interesting because I am still so full of I.

My Hands are small
But they're not yours, they are my own.

So originally I was going to make one post everyday all school week detailing my boring emotions and detached feelings to all the blogging world, but then I lost the motivation *shocker*. So now I'm just going to ramble.

I watched the Last Samurai in Japanese yesterday, and it was actually quite interesting. Although if I was in Canada I'm sure I would have given a bad review, because I'm in Japan it seemed more interesting. But, by the end of the movie, I was suffering from a completely contradictory hate/love for the Japanese. Hey! They have a word for that! It's ???or aizo. They actually seem to have lots of weird little opposite kanji-pairings. Hmm... Interesting.

Anyway, it all had to do with the Meiji Era. During this time, Japan went through extreme changes in a very short period of time. The Emperor, or rather the Emperor's council, decided that in order for Japan to remain a strong nation, it would have to assimilate and perfect Western Culture, which of course led to the deaths of so many unique cultural practices. That was not really what bothered me, however. What bothered me was that they half-knew what they were doing, and proceeded with it anyway. They killed their own culture and then had the gauze to mourn for it.

I don't think it's really possible to live here and not both hate and love the japanese though. It seems like it's just a thing.

Everytime I make a bank withdrawal here, it charges $5 ! from my bank account! Can you believe that!? arg. Oh well.

I wish that I had something to say. But whenever I have something to say, I always sit and say nothing. Like a good little boy.

Japan Moods

Yet another of the things I've noticed since I've arrived here is that I go through fairly intense moods much more often than I did in Canada. I a lot this once more to the effects of being away from friends, who tend to act as sort of mood-balancers. It's really interesting how communication affects people.

Posting: Create
What exactly does that mean? Create? Am I really creating? I would say that I'm relaying if anything.

But, in any case, I think today I shall rant, due to inspiration from Megan. Only I can't think of a topic on which to rant, so I will fall back on my old faithful ramble. I really wish that I could come off sounding more intellectual on these things. The problem is that my brain constantly rips through thoughts as they come into existence in my head, before I've had the opportunity to record any of them on... blogper.

So I'll start with a thought that's been hanging around my skull since the weekend. I just realized that when I return, I will never have another class with the "Gifties" again. I will never see the familiar faces of the class of 2004 walking down the hallways of PHS again. For me, that story is over. It was a shock. Suddenly being made aware of a missing piece of my life experience. Somebody just pulled a veritable Jenga piece out of my side, threatening imminent mental collapse. Why was this happening to me? Had I not known this before? Did I not care then? Had I, in all of my infinite spite for everything related to high school and human interaction, dismissed this idea as meaningless in the grander scheme of things?

Don't get me wrong, I don't give a damn about never being able to sit through a class with the same people again. It's just that realization that the format will be changed. Variables will be removed and all new ones added. On top of that, as I have already been physically removed from the day-to-day scenario of interacting with the same people, the process will not be gradual. It is already over.

That sounds slightly inhuman, and it doesn't really capture what I'm trying to say. I won't miss everyone, but I will miss lots of people. I will miss smiles, and voices, and even irritating habits.

Given this sudden absence of... roots?, my mind began to struggle to fill the gap. Who would replace those people who would move on. What are they like? When will I meet them? How? What will they mean to me, and how will the value of the people from the past change?

This was all in the space of around 2 minutes, as I was walking through Hokkaido University's main campus. And at the height of it, I came around the corner and saw this beautiful pond with a little waterfall. The water was clear and at the bottom were millions of different coloured pebbles. I was with Motonari at the time, but he had walked a little ahead and turned down a different path to explore.

I stopped and stared. A stunning cherry tree hung suspended over the main body of the pond.

A single cherry petal fell to the water and rippled.
And I understood.

Pathetic, but consistent

Yep, that's me!

The Sakura have begun to bloom around my house, and two days ago I went around taking some pictures (in honour of your request Melissa). They turned out pretty good, and I can't wait until I have the opportunity to send them.... if that time ever comes. Once again, I have no internet access that is compatible with my laptop. It is sad, but it means that I have lots and lots of pictures to show. So maybe a party when I get back? With a slideshow? That would be fun.

But of course that means I have to work on getting some experiences worth reciting. Herm. It's a project.

I can't think of anything particularily intersting to talk about right now. I have to buy my bus pass later. And my subway pass. My my it is expensive to live in Japan. No joke, the MOST expensive country in the world, without question.

Everything in Japan is small, and expensive.