A moment

I was on the way home today on the train, and I felt creative so I decided to try to write down a basic idea of my thoughts for the ride home. Obviously pen does not move as quickly as brain, so I only caught a few thoughts, but here they are anyway.

The train passes and again the world outside the circle under the lamp is swallowed by shadow. Some dirt on my fingers, retreating just at the base of the tip. From the door perhaps? It doesn't matter. I pay special attention to the sound of the fingers sliding on frets... his hands will probably smell like metal afterward. I want new shoes but I don't think I should be spending the money. The bell on the train is ringing. My mind reaches out again to the ears of those who can hear it. I can see the lines in her face, his lecherous intentions... The station comes and now the bells and violins have taken me to my ancestral home in the heills of Ireland, I am running to ma, her shawl brushes my face in the wind, and she is gone. The light here is flickering two seats away. 'Next station stop Eglinton'. I wonder how you are. An imaginary conversation runs through my head. Years have passed. You are engaged, I tell you about my boyfriends, the girls who have broken my heart. I've decided to write something. I thought you hated coffee. I can tell by the curl of the corners of your lips that you're disappointed. That's why it never worked, you know, I could never take your judgement. My pocket is vibrating. Answer it. Allan asks if I made it to the train ok. It was sweet of him to call. It's nice to be reminded that someone cares, even if it is small. Bonnie Pink sings about the sun falling into the sea, her words japanese. It's interesting to think what this language means to me. futatsu ga hitotsu ni naru toki. She's interrupting my creative flow and I start to lose the wave I've been riding. Change. 'Intuition' enters my ears and I wonder how you're doing. I imagine what he looks like, I never get far doing this. I wonder why he is good enough, if he really makes you happy. I hate you sometimes you know. Why does it seem like I have memories of the future? I have to get off here. The man at the door reminds me of the man my mother has married. He is short, balding, and I have a hard time imagining how someone like him is with a woman like her. The bitch cuts me off. They linger, kissing. Lover's spit replaces intuition. It fits. She smells like cheap perfume, and I am NOT jealous. The boy in front of me has hair that is too long. The rain feels nice on my face. I don't like the rain sometimes because it makes me look like shit. I'm relieved to see that me, the only me that matters, I still enjoy it. I imagine the judgements people who see this will pass. I don't care. He would be pretty if he was a girl. It doesn't work for a guy though. That's the problem with being attracted to androgyny, it's all very degree based. There are no set rules to what is and what is not attractive. My time in the station is short, there are only about four people in the car I am on. It is yellow in here. I want to leave. The man is staring at me and the boy taps his foot. I exit. Upstairs a man asks me if I want a taxi. If I wanted a taxi, sir, I would walk out the doors to your parked taxi, open the door, and tell you where I wanted to go. The rain is falling harder now. A car is coming towards me, the light shines on the road, through the puddles and lines. The raindrops make it look for a second like the milky way, each drop a star exploding life. Or perhaps a scene from world war two. Or jackson pollock is throwing another hundred thousand dollar dob of paint onto a canvas. What is he feeling that makes him do this? The men stare at me as I round the corner. The air behind them smells like fabric softener. It is a good bet that if you smell like fabric softener, your cologne was not worth it and you should not be staring at other people like there is something wrong with *them*. The keyboard effects on this song bring me to a time when I was eight years old, wrapped in blankets sitting on a couch in a basement. I am eating rice, like I always do when I watch my neighbour totoro, because somehow it makes the adventures more real, closer. Stepping into the door, my dad says 'the umbrella is there' and points beside the door. It is not funny. I am home.

i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down

when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Ok, so this is my second try at this post.
What I miss most about childhood is the ease with which I used to trust. I miss being able to open up completely to anyone without hesitation, and I think it's sad that life experience has taught me not to do so.

what's black is white

The story of my japanese & korean language course interviews:
I left the house at about 9 to head downtown for the interviews at Robarts Library. I arrive at around 11. Korean interviews are being held from 9:30 to 11:30, so I get in line. I fill out the 'about me' form as the sign says. Everyone is Asian. I get to the 'interview' twenty minutes later, which turns out to actually be the professor telling everyone the class is full and that students will be drawn lottery-style to get in. Which is, of course, Utter. Bullshit. Some people NEED this course to get their major... and it is not really being offered? Only sort-of, and without any real background checks to make sure that the people trying to enroll in the course are not, in fact, korean themselves? Anywaaaay... after that it was into the line for japanese. There were approximately thirty people in front of me in a line up down the hallway. I was there half an hour early. THREE HOURS LATER I finally get my turn to be interviewed. The professor , komuro-lee san, was really nice, and we started to talk in japanese about how I wasn't sure which course I should be enrolling in. So she gave me a 17 page test to do, which I completed over the course of two hours. I was FAMISHED after... and ate a lot of food. But I got into second year japanese.

END

Today was a pretty good day at work, very uneventful. Nicole, Allan, Gillian and I all ordered thai food and ate it in the back. It was yummy, but also I owe nicole for it still, which is unfortunate. Also me and allan had a tiff in the back, which was kind of amusing. Also I got to actually work with Gillian, which was great because I haven't done so in about two months.

Enough about work.

I'm feeling reasonably good lately. I'm looking forward to fall, and to getting back into learning, although I resent the hefty price tag attached to it. I got my ear pierced again, and I plan on getting the cartilage pierced on my left ear soon. I need to change my hair somehow, I'm considering cutting it all short and dying it something bright. I am moving into my dad's house mostly this weekend. It's nerve-racking in that this might just be the last move out of my mom's house. As in, no more living with mom, period. Which is a much more frightening thought than I had originally imagined. My mom is one of my best friends. Also this means growing up, not a joke. Since when is that not a joke? Where'd the pause button go?

Anyway, I'm just about out of ideas and wishing someone was online to talk to. Goodnight folks, I probably love you.

truant

Alright, fuck emo. This is stupid and adolescent and I'm not into it. I do this every time, I'm not sure why exactly as yet, but whenever there is a period of big change in my life I disconnect from people and sort-of isolate myself. It's frustrating in the extreme and completely nonsensical, so I have decided to make a conscious effort against it.

I'm looking forward to starting uni, mostly just for the language studies. I NEED to start studying japanese again, and learning either korean or chinese. It's gonna be such a pain in the ass but I think it'll also be so much fun.

My interviews are tomorrow. Wish me luck!

"It seems to be my fancy to make it with Frank and Nancy"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

You're the sort of person who's not afraid to try new things. In life, you enjoy being loved and the chase of love. You may have difficulties remaining in a solid relationship, because once settled, the chase is gone. In your life, you work hard and are serious and determined. But all work and no play makes you very very angry. Despite your belief that you are always in control, you actually are controlled by the object of your current lust, and will do anything to maintain your dance of chase and be chased.

"I'll come running to you now, baby if you want me"

Whats Left to See

I am emo lately. I do not know the reasons why. I speculate a combination of hormones, neediness, high-stress situations a la university and stupid sappy shit that I don't even want to get into here. But lately the soundtrack has consisted of: Xiu Xiu, Blonde Redhead, Feist (monarch), angry Gackt, occasional death cab and Red House Painters. What does this mean? Angst. And I hate it. I don't even know what this is and it bugs the hell out of me. I feel somehow distant from everyone.

I don't understand how people can live their lives, as themselves, and yet not know anything about themselves as people. It destroys me.

the drifts and dunes

So the day after that I did basically the same thing -> nothing at all. I sat around and just thought all day. But yesterday I went downtown with nicole after work. It was Jenny's last shift with me, which makes me sad, but we had fun. And I managed to drop of this check thing, which was also good. It was in the middle of bumbfuck nowhere, Mississauga though. Quite the hike. Afterwards we went shopping and I bought a new shirt and winter jacket. So I'm pleased with that. Now I have to head out to work but I may blog after.

once like me

I did almost nothing today. I didn't get out of bed until around 12... I didn't really feel like getting up. And when I did I didn't really do anything. Came upstairs, went online. Chatted for a while, downloaded pictures of hot actors male and female. I guess I did manage to get all of Feist's Monarch album. That alone makes the day worthwhile.

I spent a lot of time playing with bronwyn today too. I didn't even really think until today that my moving out will mean me missing out on a lot of her growing up again. I also hadn't considered the fact that I may never move back in. I think that that's exciting. Lately I've been wanting a place of my own more than anything else. I won't be getting that for a while I'm sure, but I guess this is like a step in that direction. I had another dream last night about waking up in a big bed with someone else there. For some reason I associate feelings like that - of companionship, surrender, love, interdependence, with the colour yellow. So all of my dreams that involve those themes are in yellow tones or somehow involve the colour yellow. I think it's the only colour association that I have.

Sometimes I wish there was a 'disarm' button on people... like a secret handshake or a password or something that would make everyone just drop all their walls and skip the shit. I know that's hard... people love their shit... but how awesome would it be if you could just cut through it altogether every now and then? Just two people... connecting without any of their hangups dangling in the rear-view mirror.

raiser

It feels retarded, I want you to like me
Will you be there tonight?
Do you mean it when you say what you say?
Fixing up my hair,
I want to impress you
Today and everyday,
Okay, okay okay, okay

So what do you want?
I want to be careless too
So much waiting, so much sitting alone
When you say what you say,
It's not what I thought, it's really nothing at all
I'm not who you want,
Alright, alright alright, alright

Bunny gamer, stand up, bunny gamer, Where have you been all of my life?
Bunny gamer, take me with you,
Okay, okay okay, okay
Bunny gamer, sit down, bunny gamer,
Where have you been all night?
Bunny gamer, leave me alone,
Alright, alright alright, alright

I don't think I can recall having ever liked xiu xiu this much. It's not even that anything he's written has become especially relevant to me, it's just like all of a sudden I like it a lot more... for no real reason. I've gotten all into posting song lyrics again lately too. I have noticed that. I guess I'm feeling wordy again.

My sweetly torn religion, how does it feel?

I had a good night last night, went downtown with Johan'n'Allan. The bar was packed, and hot, and I hate sweat, but I still had a good time. There was a strange blackout that was unexplained and otherwise unmentioned. It made for amusing times. I enjoyed the just sitting and talking the most, as usual.

This is dissolving rapidly into a series of lines. It's amusing how little sense thoughts make if you consider them each uniquely and without regard of the preceeding and following thoughts. It's like seeing something at a molecular level. What would a post be like if I just wrote all my thoughts as they came? Well... as many as I could and as often as I could. It wouldn't make any sense to anyone but me I don't think.

What a rambler.

but silence is golden
What the fug? I dunno about this blog being randomly linked to stuff. It's just not good news. I sometimes wonder how many people actually read this, and who they are and what they do. And now 'heart' came on my limewire. And I don't feel any of the things I felt a second a go.

It's really amazing/sickening how music does that to you. What's with everyone watching TV? There are so many better things to do. Also sleep is such a monumental waste of time. How much of your life is sleep? Like one third? And it's only ever really fun when you do it long enough to get your deep sleep cycles nice and long so you can have those involved dreams. And even those are sometimes unpleasant to the point where you never want to close your eyes again. For some reason my more recent ones keep taking place in this location known as 'korea' that is definitely not earth korea, and involve a lot of airplanes flying from island to island all strangely. Also I may be destined to be a private investigator.

Today was such a strange day. There was this epic storm with all this cartoon-style lightning. Also I was left alone in the store for like half an hour AGAIN. It's like whenever it rains it's necessary to leave me alone in the store. Especially if the power is going on and off and there are irritating/strange foreign people saying strange things about counting on my fingers. A line up is also a plus. Also the milk fridge should be empty and I should have to do pre-close stuff. Death anyone?

Everyone's offline. Why do I wake up so much late at night? I think the clearest at around 2AM, I postulate. And there is never anyone to hear my brilliant thoughts or marvel at my dazzling wit. Yeah, I know, shut up. I wonder if I ever actually get lonely... I know I feel alone sometimes, but I don't know if that's every coupled with a real desire to be with someone. Sometimes I think that the only time I want to be with someone (not a specific someone, just having a person there) is when I want them to distract me from thoughts or entertain me or validate my fears. And now mayonaise (acoustic). Ok, maybe I can feel lonely. At the order of a song.

My mom disappointed me the week before last. I've never been disappointed by her before. Irritated maybe, irrationally hurt, but never genuinely disappointed. It's like finding out that spiderman is really just this nerdy kid named peter parker.

Also: I fucking hate homophobes.

There's something strangely comforting in the emptiness of my bed when I go to sleep at night. I mean... I know you're supposed to biologically long for companionship and sex and blah blah blah, and I get that sometimes too, but just there being me... maybe it's just familiarity? I guess familiarity is the father of comfort really so perhaps that's just sensible.

I appreciate blankets.

This window keeps refreshing itself. I don't know why. I don't think it's ever done that before.

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without love
No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without love

Music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger breakdown and cry...

The saxophone in this song kills me. She'll be opening for tori on the 27th. I'm praying she'll sing this song even though it's not really one of her solo acts. I sometimes wish I'd have reoccuring dreams...

I need to go to bed soon or I won't be able to sleep. But Red House Painters is on... and listening to them is almost like sleeping.

some escape some door to open
this path seems the blackest but i
guess it's the soonest
but there in the clearing i
know you'll be wearing
your young aching smile and
waving your hand

Goodnight

Never Fever

I may not know which way is up sometimes, but at least I'm usually happy. Even if a bit delirious. Delirium never hurt anyone, right? Maybe we should have named me Laika. Oh, another reference. I'm beginning to think that half my conversations are just song references. Maybe my life is made up of song references.

****************************************************************************

I had two really nice days with him. The first was the gorgeous day downtown. Well, first we sat by the lake for a bit and just talked about random stuff. It was really nice and disarming. Then we left and headed downtown, listening to music in the car on the way. I played some random stuff for him, like the garden state soundtrack and a bit of stars and rufus wainwright. The day was gorgeous, not overwhelmingly hot. We parked on queen west and walked to fresh. The food was delicious, very good veggie fare and conversation. Then we walked to kaban... which I think is some sort of a gay Mecca... And we looked at sofas for his new condo. I only like couches that are comfortable to sleep on. I told him no leather couches. He pushed me into a pile of jeans... which turned out to be seven brand. Very expensive. So I piled them back up and we went on our way. We ended up stopping at that little park outside the courthouse near nathan phillips. We sat on the stairs and continued to talk. There was a lot of eye contact, and he didn't break it. A crazy man approached us, he ignored him while I talked to him. The man told me a story about how he had not given mike the money for the drugs I had bought from him, I forgave him, he thanked me profusely, and then remembered that actually mike had died a while back. He cut his own face off with a knife. And then the man left with a smile. He looked at me and laughed. I asked him what. He said he was impressed. Most people would have ignored him or walked away. I didn't really see what he was impressed about, but he smiled anyway. We sat there for four hours. I still don't understand where the time went. He drove me home and I played the feist cd. We went to a park. I got out of the car and said goodbye.

*********************************************************

I'm tired now. goodnight kids.

Courtney took this, but I like it 

dears
Oh boy... I had a good time today. Spent most of it outside enjoying the gorgeous weather and good company. We went to Williams first for breakfast and coffee, and then drove up to port perry and had ice cream. There was some sort of a festival going on, and there were horse drawn carriages going up and down the uh.... downtown of port perry. We talked for a few hours by the lake about all these things. I got home at around 5 and have since not really done that much. I have to go to bed soon though because I have to open tomorrow and have not recovered from this stupid throat thing as of yet. Hopefully the pain will end soon. Also I owe johnnie for sending me this new Broken Social Scene song 7/4(shoreline)... it's awesome and I remember it from the performance at dundas square.

Ok. I need to sleep now.

I know I know I know
See ya later Chris! I hope you had fun this visit... sorry I had to work so much.

I'm currently enjoying: the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us hit.

taiyou ga umi ni ochiru toki
anata ha sono me wo souge ha shinai
futatsu ga hitotsu ni naru you ni.

And the text message I was waiting for has still not arrived. Harumph. I dislike games requiring patience. I don't think that's actually true, although I am very bad at being patient.

the same gold thread as you

Yesterday was a great day. I had lots of fun, enjoyed the gorgeous weather downtown, with some great company. I feel really bad about not making it to Sue Ellen's birthday party though, but I had no way of getting there ultimately, and I have to go to dad's today, supposedly 40 minutes ago. I don't know what's going on with that.

I finally bought Feist's cd.

And also: ScarJo. Just because I appreciate her hotness ad infinitum. And could stare for many hours. : ) 

Picture from the Canada Day Performance that I went to. Feist in all of her radiating hotness.  

Hareta

Oh my god. Is it not the most beautiful day imaginable? I can't believe how gorgeous it is today, and I'll be enjoying it at the harbourfront centre.

Mmm, there's that good feeling again.

overpass/underpass

Official quote of the day 'You were supposed to be heterosexual!'
'Huh?'
'I wanted you to be heterosexual so that I could have grandchildren!'
'What? Who said I wasn't going to have grandchildren?!'
'Well, I just want them soon so that I can enjoy them.'
'Um. Ok. Isn't that why you just had Bronwen? And wait, you have two other children! Make them procreate! And who said I was planning on it anyway? And who said I was going to end up with a guy?! Christ!'

It was an interesting car ride. It was all kind of in jest anyway... But still. Far too sitcom/b-movie script-esque an anecdote not to share.

Um. I'll update this a bit more later.

*later*

Yay! Chris bought me the Final Fantasy cd... I'm so happy. I'm going to allow that materialism... as it is for music. Now I kind of want to buy the blonde redhead CD.
hitomi wo tojite
sora wo miyage

I had planned to have one of those actual updates where I type about how I'm feeling and what's been going on in my life lately but I just can't keep it straight enough in my head to type it out. So I'll try again tomorrow.

meadow

I feel so good today. These passed two days have been gorgeous. Not that I've been doing anything to enjoy them, mind. It's just been pleasant in that pathetic fallacy - type way. Plus I've had the chance to actually get some sleep, which has also been great. I forgot how nice it was to have slept the night before.

good

What a song.

Time can take it's toll on the best of us
Look at you you're growing old, so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the sun
Sometimes the TV is like a lover
Singing softly as you fall asleep
You wake up in the morning and it's still there
Adding up the things you'll never be

Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you

Time can take it's toll on the best of us
Look at you you're growing old, so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the setting sun
You disembark the latest flight from paradise
You almost turn your ankle in the snow
You fall back into where you started
Make up words to songs you used to know

Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you

Kurt Cobain, he never had a chance you know
Incurable romantics never do
He held a flame I wasn't born to carry
I'll leave the dying young stuff up to you
You get back on the latest flight to paradise
I found out from a note taped to the door
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight
Through my window lying on the kitchen floor

Alright, I can say what you want me to
(I want more)
Alright, I can do all the things you do
(Give me more)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
(I want more)

Alright, I'll say what you want me to
(Give me more)
Alright, I'll do all the things you do
(I want more from you)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you

I'm still in love with you

And then, a voice to pull me out of the lingering remnants of loneliness from that song:

tatoe donna ni kizutsuitemo
dore dake kizutsuku koto ni nattemo
dare ni mo boku wa tomerarenai

wazuka na hikari wo mitsukareba ii
ima ha taiyou agarenakutemo
'furidashita ame wa itsuka yamun da ne'

sou sa, kono ame wa itsuka yamun da ne

spinning

Alright, I need to slow it the hell down. I have been so actively pursuing all of this shit that I would have, maybe as short a time as a month ago, considered completely low and beneath what I thought were my moral standards. I could have easily done myself some severe injury on saturday night with the drinking and the smoking and the ingestion of painkillers, and I'm not so sure monday night was such a great idea either.

Bonus points for me.

Time to take a breath.

......and now I'm ecstatic. Go figure.

I suppose it's just a sign that I'm another in the ever-growing line of bipolars in my family.

I don't actually feel that way all the time. Don't worry.

Warning: black hole-level negativity

I am so angry, and so resigned to the overall shitiness of human beings in general. Ever since the week just before my birthday, I've been on this giant downward spiral of negativity, and you know what? I don't even give a shit. That's how far down I've come.

People are completely unreliable, I've become accustomed to assuming that when somebody says that they will do something, there is only about a fifty percent chance that they will follow through. I'm tired of being asked the same questions over and over, simply because the person asking is not actually interested in learning the answer to the question, only eager to fill up the oh-so-terrifying silence with the sounds of their own voice. So afraid of change, and of themselves and of realizations about life and the way their minds work. We say one thing, but mean another. We tip-toe around when we should be being direct, and when we should be being considerate we are self-centred. No-one has a fucking clue. And what's more, no-one's really interested in having a clue, just in what makes them feel good, even at the expense of other's feelings.

BAH!

Fireworks

Well, it's official. I'm in love. I am so, so glad that I did go down to watch the Apostle of Hustle and Feist perform at the Harbourfront Centre, and it was easily the best Canada Day ever. Andrew Whiteman, of BSS fame, danced all around the stage, constantly wishing us a happy canada day. It was interesting to see the crowd too, they were a mix of all ethnic groups and all ages. There was an underlying presence of teenaged indie kids. AoH played a great set, that seemed short, filled with great pulsating guitar riffs and latin tap-dance sessions. I can't remember what that's called. Anyway, it was amazing.

We decided to wait until Feist took the stage, instead of taking a break in between the two acts. It was a good idea, as we managed to push up closer to the front and into the seating areas. There was an unfortunate man quite close to me though, I felt like hitting him. He was basically having a bad time and trying to make sure that everyone else around him felt likewise. I ignored him.

People freaked out when she took the stage. She opened with 'when I was a young girl', singing softly into the microphone with no accompaniment at first (the unfortunate man covered his ears, remarking 'is that what you call singing?). She went on and played gatekeeper, mushaboom, secret heart, almost her whole album, closing with piste 6 (lonely, lonely). At one point she stopped to watch the fireworks over the lake, exclaiming that they were shooting out of her heart, and making exploding noises as they burst into the air. She was simply amazing. It's hard to believe that Canada has acts like this, and the majority of people don't know it.

selph

Mmmm, newest addiction: the Perishers. There is something about minor chords that finds a resonance in me. Despite it's simplicity and lack of any real stand-out qualities, I enjoy this music. Even if the majority of the lyrics are crap. Ok, so all of the lyrics are crap. I don't care.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. Two great Canadian bands, for free? That's just too good a deal to pass up. I'm hoping it will be an actual good Canada Day, they so rarely are. It's nice to be breaking away from the go-out-with-family-to-some-crappy-hillside-listen-to-bad-music-and-pretend-you're-somewhere-else-while-gazing-longingly-at-fireworks-wishing-that-you-yourself-were-one model of previous July 1st celebrations.

I'm getting wanderlust again. It probably has something to do with stagnance. I don't cope well when the wind stops and everything starts looking paled. I kind of want to take off to japan again. That may just be an excuse. Maybe I'm missing the language, maybe I'm missing the freedom. It's just an excuse.

I thought another random chick today was hot. I don't know what's going on... could it be I have biological drive after all?
Is it sad that I'd almost prefer that that weren't the case?
Perhaps. Once again I find the caring behind this question to be false.

The Smashing Pumpkins may be getting back together. I would appreciate this, I think. I'm not sure if I actually need anything more than adore, to be perfectly honest, the rest seems less.... perfect. Haven't heard too much of his solo stuff yet, amused by his 'biography'. Interestingly, it's not just the content that is painful to the reader, but the actual text itself is so high-contrast that I feel semi-blind after about fifteen minutes. I think he honestly believes he's some sort of legend.

On second thought, I might be able to sympathize. It might just be a symptom of his displeasure with reality. Sometimes it's easier to make the little things in life into big things, because then you don't actually have to deal with them. (cough shitty 'issues bands' cough)

Anyway, that's all for now.

steph at the bright eyes concert a while back 

Stumbeline

It's been a while since I've updated...I've gotten so lazy about this. I know it sounded like I was all bummed out on the last post, but actually it was more like an exorcism, so you can ignore it or I'll just delete it.

Also: shit, I just remembered that I had that information session dealie today. How did it come so fast? I hope I can reschedule that..... otherwise I might just be a bit screwed for university.

Oh dear.

Anyway, I went to the Pride Parade on the weekend. I was glad to hang out with steph and courtney for a bit, even though they almost didn't make the train. Fun was had, despite the ungodly heat and smog, and sunburn afterwards. It did kind of re-solidify my distaste for the gay community as represented in said 'parade', but it was fun. They should just call it the lots-of-fat-naked-gay-guys-holding-hands-with-the-occasional-kickass-dragqueen-parade, it would be more accurate. Also, I am once more horrified at the idea of 'bath houses', especially given the volume of visitors I'm sure was present this passed weekend. I guess sex is fun though. Whatev.

That weekend also unfortunately turned out to be the weekend of the bands Liam wanted to see but couldn't. I missed 5 in total that I really wanted to see. All in three days. Sucky, at best.

I'm tired from wandering around downtown so much today. I went seemingly everywhere. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I didn't find it.

Desire is a strange, strange creature. I'm still completely not used to it. Being attracted to random people on the street seems soooo foreign. But it did happen today. Sexual attraction, and that chemistry, is so interesting... it defies logic completely. I'm not used to having my mind over-ridden like that. I think typically I start off with appreciating someone and just generally enjoying their company a lot before I really become attracted to them. Maybe that's why it's so surprising to start off the other way. lol, or in my case, to finish that way.

Ok, that's all for now. I am currently enjoying : Broken Social Scene.

I can't believe I ever thought that I liked him. Everything he does now just drives me insane and makes me want to explode. Simply so that I can explode onto him. And maybe upset him a bit.

I also do not appreciate that I ever feel bad or sad or angry because of him. I don't like that I become so negative around him, or that I so thoroughly despise anything that he likes plainly because he likes it. I hate that I ever feel guilty for abhorring him.

Fuck him.

Beginning my Studies
By Walt Whitman
Beginning my studies the first step pleas'd me so much,
The mere fact consciousness, these forms, the power of motion,
The least insect or animal, the senses, eyesight, love,
The first step I say awed me and pleas'd me so much,
I have hardly gone and hardly wish'd to go any farther,
But stop and loiter all the time to sing it in ecstatic songs.

And also:

excerpt from Somewhere I have never travelled
By EE Cummings
...your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending...

... (i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

and, just in case you were fooled:

an excerpt from Bodies
By The Smashing Pumpkins
cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
come into my life forever
the crumbled cities stand as known
of the sights you have been shown
of the hurt you call your own

love is suicide
love is suicide
love is suicide
love is


In the past four or five days I have read both the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, which I did not enjoy that much, and the Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd, which was written at least 3 times better than the Da Vinci Code. Now I am reading 'the pocket book of modern verse' and a book called 'the global soul' by pico iyer.

That's all for now.
I turn nineteen in 1 week, counting today.

experience

I don't think I like the idea that my name can be searched for online and my blog will just pop up. It's more than just a little unnerving and I'm sure that there are a few people reading this now that didn't have access to it before. If you were not invited, I probably do not appreciate you. But I know that this is a less-than-private forum to articulate this stuff, and I respect your right to access public websites.

That aside, I did more than a few things on the weekend that I am not proud of. I still haven't completely decided what they mean, or how much of a hypocrite I have made myself. I'm glad I told my mother all about it though... but I am at the same time slightly disturbed by the way it felt slightly like a confession. I do feel marginally better about it now, though.

Lately I've been riding that thirst for knowledge. I'm so eager to start university, and read and read and devour everything I can get my hands on that will further my comprehension of life around and in me. I like it a lot, but I feel like it's been largely inspired by one influence.

Also: Apparently my moon sign is scorpio, not sagittarius. I'm sure it had been bothering you all.

In Pursuit

I think there's another fundamental jump-off point coming up around the corner, and I'm not sure if I'm headed down to find the root or up the stalk but I feel that in either case it will be positive.

I've been thinking a lot lately about archetypes, maybe it's been inspired by what I've been reading, but I think I've been moving into that space for a while now. When there's a problem, or when something comes up, I have a tendency to try to put myself into that canvas and try to circumspectate a bit, really get my bearings so that I can fix the puzzle where the wrong pieces have been shoved in. One of the patrons occupying my mind lately has been the Masculine... trying to find out what it is that makes up the essence of being a man. For most of my life, I've been dancing around with the Feminine, learning what I can from her and finding out how she fits into my life...and I guess through that window I'm noticing the misconceptions I've associated with the idea of Man. I don't think it's necessary for me to write any more about the negative experiences I've had with men and male role models in my past, but I think that lately, for the first time I'm noticing that those holes and that poison is not what makes up the essence of Masculinity. I think that it's this curiousity about what a man is that has been drawing me to male role models so strongly over the past few years.

I feel like I see a lot of this through my mother's glasses. She never meant any of it but I think that she has made up a lot of my perceptions for me, and just kind of presented them to me as a Lesson. I am only just now in this part of my life coming to examine my own ideas, and seeing that I do not agree with a lot of them, and sort of following them back through the changes and flows of my life to find that they were fed into me at some impressionable point in it. I'm not angry or upset about it at all though... just happy that I have come to notice.

I've also been spending a bit of time over the past few days sitting in front of my keyboard, toying around with notes and melodies. That I can say has come from Tori, the ways that she describes sound and music, and the creation of music has seemingly opened a new door for me. I had always concidered music as this unattainable channeling, a select room that was not open to me. But now I almost feel that music is even more oriented towards me than visual art. It's more open to change, which works better with my Being than something like expressing an image on a canvas.

That's all for now I think. This may be becoming a bit too personal. I don't think it really is for anyone anymore so much as it is a space for me to organize my thoughts.

Sulk at heights

Today was just another one of those days, you know? Where the grey of the sky just seemed to be a reflection of the bleak nature of the everyday. I don't feel... strong enough maybe? to stand on my own some days, and today was just one of them. So I'm going to talk a bit about it and just leave a marker out there.

I feel an accute need for companionship lately... I just need someone to be there, and it seems like so often, more and more lately, no one is. Nobody picks up, nobody randomly smiles, no-one offers a new experience or even the comfort of an old one. And I suppose the fact is that I have no right to be expecting things like that, and I usually feel, I don't know... ashamed maybe? at feeling inadequate. In the same manner I guess I'm guilty of the same. I don't call often enough, I don't smile at passers-by and I don't feel like I have much to offer a lot of the time.
I feel like I should be expanding my circles of friends, but it's always hard to meet new people. I guess I'm afraid of putting myself on the line, I don't like being hurt. It seems like friendships always end that way; everyone getting hurt. I don't like that and it turns me off of opening new relationships or allowing current ones to unfold.

I guess... things fall apart. That's the nature of the universe, right? It pops open and spreads out until it can't go any further and there's nought for it but to return to nothingness. And then it all folds back in again. In a lot of ways it's depressing but I'm not sure that I don't find some hope in the idea that everything breaks. I suppose it's just nice to know that everything has an end.

I'm getting confused now, having a hard time understanding what it is that I'm trying to convey, and I know that only makes it infinitely harder for everyone else to understand, but I'm going to press on because I feel like there might be something important hidden in here.

Some things have just been shitty lately. I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of people, I'm never sure where I stand really I suppose, but it makes it difficult to get a good footing. The self-doubt only makes me less likely to open up and clarify the lines, and less likely to create new ones. It also leads to anxiety, and anger, and after a while, I just get so pissed off that I burn everything just so that I don't have to deal with it, you know? I don't like having something close to me that hurts, I can't take it so I just reduce it to nothing. I let someone else feel the hurt for a bit.

I guess.... I don't know, but I think I'm seeing that maybe I've just gotten too detail-oriented with my life, and maybe I need to pull back and let things blur a bit so I can really see everything for what it is, and just let them simplify a little. Because I think there is value to a lot of simple, small things, which is something I may have paid very little attention to for quite some time. There's an allure to basic human connection that I've been craving, and I like the romance of a blank page.

When I was a little boy, I always thought that I was strong. I felt, I thought I knew that I was brave, and that I had to be brave because other people needed me to be... I wanted to make myself into a pillar so that other people wouldn't have to hurt. I was much less selfish then. The only thing that I was afraid of was to be left alone. I was terrified of it. Even just the act of my mother leaving the car to pump gas into it used to send me into throws of scenarios playing through my head. I would become slightly hysterical, and I could think of nothing else but her leaving me. But I still wanted to be strong, and I hated that part of me. I hated it hated it hated it because it was a part of me that was weak. So I would tell myself, you're ok, you don't need anyone else, if they don't come back then they don't love you and you don't need them around you, you are fine by yourself you don't need anyone else why are you afraid you should be brave everyone needs you to be strong . But it still hurt to see people leave, you know? It always felt, it still feels like being personally rejected. Like you're just not worth the time or the effort. I already know where that anxiety comes from, but I don't think it's something that I can really feasably remove now, so I've just sort-of learned to live with it.

That comes from my father.

Another one of my issues that affects so much how I am and how I behave around others is the idea that I'm not good enough. It contributes to the break-ups that I have with people, and really causes a lot of the hurt associated with that. When my dad and my mom first divorced, my mom was really sad. We had moved to the states and mom had left her family and all her friends behind. She had started a life with someone and it had just sort of been taken away from her. I can understand now but back then I didn't. She would cry almost every night, and I would never understand. I had hated my father for not loving me as much as he loved my sister, and I never felt good enough when he was around. When he left, I felt a bit more free. So why was mom crying? I could never console her, I could never make her stop hurting, so I would just hold her and tell her that I loved her. It got really bad, to the point where mom didn't really want to continue, so I had to pick up the slack. I learned how to cook, got a key to the house and started watching my sister. I had to grow up kind of fast, but I never really felt like I was missing anything, it was just natural to become stronger when you were needed by someone. But I could never make mom stop crying. I think it still affects me, you know? The idea that you're not good enough to make someone happy. It's kind of a lingering shadow.

Anyway, my sister wants to go to bed, but I just felt in the mood to connect... or at least transmit an idea, and hopefully make my behaviour a bit easier to understand for everyone else.

good night.

You Are 35% Normal (Occasionally Normal)

You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You

Happy not-quite-good-enough-thursday

Today is a day for those of us who are not quite good enough, to rejoice in our shortcomings and forgive ourselves. Or maybe just a day of general self-improvement.

I recommend Lost in Translation for those interested in examining the roles of relationships in people's lives. It's illuminated in a different light that I think people often neglect to take proper notice of. I think there's a general tendency with people to opt for the all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to a relationship. So I think a portrait of the grey areas between is pretty interesting.

I can feel spring coming, like that moment right before your head goes in the water, and your body just draws in that last breath in expectation. I'm hoping that this is the last 'breath' of snow and winter. I'd like to bloom a bit myself.

Take care.

bridgeburner
I can't find my beekeeper cd... which was supposed to be the medication I would use to give me a motive for this post. And it also kind of shakes what was in my mind to post straight out of it. Mostly I was going to talk about my tendency to burn bridges and do things in spite of people. But, now I'm too distressed over the potential loss of my cd. So I will instead say: I miss you, I love you, I secretly long for you... and that's all.

copy

If you have not seen the eternal sunset of the spotless mind, then stop reading this and go find some way to see it. It's simply brilliant. But don't watch japanese story, it will make you depressed. And if you can not or want not to see either of these, then watch garden state.

Fitting

There you
There you go again
Breaking
Breaking porcelain
Is that all I am
just a Doll you got used to
We’ve done
We’ve done this before
as Mars sauntered through his door
Don’t say it’s time to say
Goodbye to Pisces
Goodbye to Pisces

I am sitting sipping a cup of tea at my dad's, eating spoonfuls of fruit salad. Lately I've been craving damper climates, something like Scotland or New Zealand. I've actually been feeling like I have an ancestry lately. I don't even know if that's a word. It hadn't happened until near the end of high school, but I began to acquire a sort of pride in the fact that I'm a descendant of the Celts. Before I had always just sort of felt mismatched.

I've also felt like writing letters to everyone who bothers me lately... the phrase 'dear you' has been on repeat, re-circulating through my mind constantly. I guess I'm extra testy... too much winter perhaps? Never too much 'winter', or winter's 'horses', but too much grey/gray. Out of everyone who reads this, probably only one person will get that reference. And to that person I say this: that keeper of comb is finally growing on me, I enjoy sleeping with the butterflies.

A lot of the time it's the symbols that get me... well, probably everyone knows that about me already. In my head everything reduces to symbols. I think there's a lot of power in symbols. In the same way there's power in God and the devil, all because people take them as a symbol and attach them to an idea. It gives them power. It's the same with simple things too, like a light switch. A light switch is actually just a piece of plastic, but to people it becomes something that creates light. And in that instant, where the plastic becomes something that creates light, it is empowered and becomes something completely different. Language is also a lot like that.

I really want to learn Korean now, it seems much easier than japanese. It sounds slightly less harsh as well. Less timid. It's quite pretty.

Don't be afraid of death, it's a waste of time. Here's some knowledge for you: "And I began to understand that this case is a distraction sometimes and it tricks us because it can start making us believe that we are old of sprit, not just that the violin case is beat up, but you can begin to believe that the violin has no music to play anymore and that is where you have to go to the tree of knowledge and I tasted my mothers wisdom looking in that mirror." It's from the beekeeper.

Farewell and goodnight.

faded

I have been thinking a lot over the passed (past?) few days, about lots of different things. Some of the things: (I always think about these things, so if you know me well you probably don't even have to read this line) 'god', existence, androgyny, sexuality ... and I didn't get depressed! It was lunacy. I think I am now capable of 'deep' thought without the side-effects!

And now I don't want to talk about that.

So, I saw the movie Constantine the other day. It wasn't actually that bad. It was one of those rare movies that was good in spite of Keanu.

lullaby
I have to work tomorrow from 10-3 PM. I am pretty tired right now, but I don't feel tired enough to sleep.

So, for menstrual pains? http://period-pains.blogspot.com/

Blogspot is getting crowded with shit.

danger high voltage

I couldn't think of too much to say, so I rested my head in my hand an looked out the window at the sky. I closed my eyes for a minute, and my eyes re-arranged their position. When I opened them, I noticed that in a corner of the room, a part of the wall normally covered by junk, close to the moulding there was a very small cutout piece from a magazine stuck in between the moulding and the wall. It says 'is likely to be', and I am taking it, as usual, as a sign about something. I have decided it means I will be accepted to U of T.

Today I am sick. My bowels are quite cross with me for reasons unknown, that could include any of the following: too much lipid-heavy food, too much stupid intra-familial stress, too many milk products, too much sleep or too little sun. In any case, I slept nicely until about 2 in the afternoon, a habit that will be shattered quite thoroughly in the coming week. I'm starting at Starbucks this Monday for anyone who doesn't know yet.

And, there is something very good about androgeny.

[Edit: And on that topic... some random christian writings I found on the topic]

'
"For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire towards one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (portions of Romans 1:21-27).

This passage outlines the systematic breakdown of sex roles and the entire family structure itself - a structure which God designed to be the foundation of a healthy society. In a culture where men have rejected God's government and refused to submit to His moral requirements, a process of decay is set in motion. This moral entropy begins in the minds of men; as God's enlightening presence and protective influence is withdrawn, a pall of intellectual confusion settles over the society as a whole.

This intellectual depravity, as it progresses in intensity, brings about a twisting and a perverting of all that is natural and normal. And if we interpret Paul's comments to the Romans correctly, it would appear that sexual habits and roles are the ultimate target of this cultural bone rot process. When a society has divorced itself from God, the final result will be that men stop being men, women stop being women, and the institutions of marriage and family are destroyed.
(*I disagree 1)

This revolt does not begin with homosexuality. The large-scale breakdown of marriage in this country tends to parallel with the publication of Playboy magazine and the philosophy that it began to promote in the 1950s. Hugh Hefner's revolution encouraged men to leave the confines of marital fidelity under the guise of male sexual expression. But adultery is actually a revolt against masculinity and the natural male function, because it, and the resulting divorce, actually removes men from their primary role of husband, father and family provider.
(*interesting)

Once men have rejected marriage, the door is then opened for the onslaught of homosexuality. Children no longer have a genuine male role model in the home, and this lack of a strong father figure completes the cycle of perversion: the young sons are sent out on a desperate search for the masculinity they never found by natural means, and the wounded daughters find it forever difficult to respect men when they reach adulthood.
(*I disagree again 2)

Returning to pro-family policies will not be easy. It will require real men to stand up in the public arena to challenge the anti-gender activists. It will demand real women to defend the paramount role of traditional motherhood. But we cannot sit idly by while the social scientists plan America's sexual suicide. The culture which refuses to acknowledge and honor the differences between the sexes will neuter itself, and ultimately fade away into a childless oblivion.
(*I disagree again 3)
' ~ Lee Grady http://www.forerunner.com/forerunner/X0229_Culture_of_Androgeny.html

1 - Irregardless of societal tendencies, I don't think that men can fundamentally stop being men, nor women stop being women. I think that it's stupid to think that because, in all of the ages leading up to this one, 'marriage' meant this and 'family' meant that, those concepts can't change. That sounds a lot like a culture of fear, and not somewhere I'd want to live.

2 - This is completely biassed and foolish sounding. First of all, my father's divorce or 'rejection of marriage' didn't lead to him becoming a homosexual. I simply cannot agree that the moment the definition of marriage changes, trophy moms turn dyke and business men dump their wives for bouncy queers. I think that this change would, in fact, only be a change to recognize a group of people that have always been present, not a radical new faction of people bent on the destruction of society as we know it. And I think it is absolutely and unforgiveably foolish to say that gay men can't be good fathers, and I think that the reverse is far more common ; a father raises a boy with absolutely no attention paid to emotional needs, so the boy grows up always searching for a male figure who will respond to those needs. And most girls that I know don't have any problems respecting homosexual males. I also like how they completely ignore the existence of lesbians throughout the article, and instead make it appear that the women in fact just magically transform into men.

3 - This is more bullshit. I don't think that the drive to reproduce is somehow diminished in homosexual people, only that the pieces don't match the job anymore. This article is a good example of that strange (in my opinion) conservative idea that only chicks who like to starch their husbands suits and embroider all day long sitting around at home are the 'real women'. I don't think I even need to comment in response. To add, I don't think a reduction in the rate of child production would really do any harm. In fact, I think it's the more viable of the two opinions. Again, it's written with the adoption of that 'go forth and multiply, even if it results in the covetting of thy neighbour's property or the eventual destruction of the planet that gives you sustenance' mindset that is to me so daunting.

Bah.
And, for added food for thought: since when does androgeny = homosexuality? Hm? Hm?

pictures of you

I got some advice in a dream this morning. I was flying around a giant mall, and I went to hover over an escalator and accidentally cut off a twenty-something year old girl. She was strawberry blonde and her hair curled slightly near the bottom. I had earlier been having some fun cutting off girls who seemed snobbish, but I felt a pang of guilt after almost running into this one.

'I'm sorry,' I said, half-turning in mid air. 'That was a bit rude of me, wasn't it.'

She seemed to slightly appreciate the gesture, and the muscles in her face calmed a bit. Then the corners of her lips turned up slightly, and she replied:

'There's no such thing as rude, it's just that sometimes it's not your song.'

stutter
I have eight million songs going through my head right now, but my mind's tuning in and out like a radio so it doesn't just make white noise. My paintings are all done except one, and today I slept in. It was nice to see sunlight leaking in through the cracks in the blinds, and be inside all day on such a cold one.

muhammad my friend
it's time to tell the world
we both know it was a girl back in bethlehem
and on that fateful day
when she was crucified
she wore shiseido red and we drank tea
by her side

I can finally feel all the tension winding down, and high school is finally drawing to a close. Just exams left now. maybe i'm the afterglow. I'm so eclectic, I can't keep anything straight in my head.

This morning I had a strange dream. It was in movie-style. I was in a room with a police officer and his superior, there had been a murder, well, threee. The officer gave the man three polaroids of the bodies. I was one of them, only I was a forty-something year old man, there was also a same-ageish woman and a black man. I came into my body and was in the police station, then I had the photos. I left the station and met the others who were murdered outside. Somehow we found clues that led us to an abandoned ship yard in the middle of a giant harbour with deep green-blue water. The air felt damp and the sky had turned murky grey, and then we were on an old boat. There were boats from every era and every culture in the harbour. What I saw went all around, sometimes in my body sometimes elsewhere. The boat that we were on had antique cars on it and lots of tires and general junk. My body and the other two were exploring when the boat started to drift out into the harbour. I saw rusty chains clink and splash in the water. I saw the woman lift a piece of cardboard to examine underneath it. The picture became choppy and jutted around a lot. Papers blowing around on the shore, the boat moving further out, the woman in the floral dress, the black man holding onto a railing walking up stairs, illegible license plates, cracked car doors, my body looking into the water, the clouds flying around overhead. Then our boat started to drift past another boat that somehow felt german, black iron and sturdy, somehow dormantly violent. Inside my body, a sudden spark, some sort of foreboding feeling. Across the harbour an old man with white hair, round in a black opera suit half-smirking. The wind blowing the woman's hair and the way her lipstick-pink-red lips part in a worried frown. The man walks down stairs which lead over the boat's edge and down to the water. I notice him, again in my body, a white speck in the distance. The old man. The wind blows his hair. A feeling of menace is building. Malice blows across the water. The scenes become extremely fast and there is a groaning coming from his boat. His eyes on fire with a sort of fury which was incomprehensible. From his vantage point, the boat with the antique cars is suddenly engulfed in a cyclone of fire. Spinning until there is a sort of explosion. Then a grin, and black. The next scene is a dusty road on a hazy yellow day. Full of cars and other junk. A photo of a man lands on the ground, and dust blows over it. A pop can falls.
And I wake up.

desperation
It's quarter after three and I'm still not finished my history. I am. Tired.

And it looks like I'm going to fail the bio test

...... again.

YAY! ^.^

the light on

Notice: I learned how to make banners. I didn't even get Dan to teach me. (in the music, etc. section... I wish the other sites had banners, I'll just have to make my own like the bjork one I made) Now I want to put that picture of my eye and the window at the top of the page, but I don't know how to do that.

Thanks again for your letter Melissa. And thanks for giving me that web address. I'll link it if you want me to.

There isn't too much else, except that I've been up too late a few nights in a row. Universities e-mailed me, which is kind of re-assuring. Everyone loves my new jacket, including me. I have an ISU due monday as well as a unit test. My biology mark is abysmal, I hope that it's the class that's dropped out of consideration for university admission.

Hello everyone.

Real
I am being pushed around by other people's ideas.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm treading water or just bobbing along.
I am having trouble separating my thoughts from what's 'real'.
I am sitting alone in a basement again.
Some days it all wells up and crushes me.
I fear I have been disconnected.

Things like this just shoot through my head late at night after everyone else is asleep. I don't like using sleep as a medication, but I guess it makes sense that biological functions can impact thoughts. But I don't like that. It makes me feel like a machine.

I could rant forever but I don't think it would make a difference.
I wish my computer was fixed.

strasfalgur
There are lots of unfortunate things going on in the world right now aren't there? It really, really sucks. I have to donate something to the tsunami relief effort soon, and I just found out about another horrible event coming up that I'd really like to help prevent. It's the construction of a dam in Iceland, actually, for some big corporation profit bullshit project. This is a link to some pictures of the land that's going to be destroyed: http://www.inca.is/show/pages/thumbs.html

Boo.

Well, sigur ros is putting out a new album soon, as is Tori, so that's something to look forward to anyway. I must go to iceland and learn icelandic because both are beautiful and I have never heard bad music from iceland.

A peculiar combination of string music and cymbals made me realize that in terms of the way I think of and treat nature I am an adult. I remember when I used to just go and commune sort-of... just sit as a kid and put my fingers in a stream and just watch the water and hear the leaves move in the wind, it was probably the most spiritual I've ever been in my life. When I was a kid. It was just like I was always ... listening or something.

I look forward to quiet times and days spent in the forest again.

High school is over for me in three weeks.
3!
I am ecstatic and eagerly awaiting my laptop to be fixed so that I can start blogging again.

the go train on saturday 

hey jupiter
no one's picking up the phone
guess it's me and me
and this little masochist
she's ready to confess
all the things that i never thought
that she could feel and

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought i wouldn't have to be
with you something new

sometimes i breathe you in
and i know you know
and sometimes you take a swim
found your writing on my wall
if my hearts soaking wet
boy your boots can leave a mess

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought you wouldn't have to keep
with me
hiding

thought i knew myself so well
all the dolls i had
took my leather off the shelf
your apocalypse was fab
for a girl who couldn't choose between
the shower or the bath

and i thought i wouldn't have to be
with you
a magazine

no one's picking up the phone
guess it's clear he's gone
and this little masochist
is lifting up her dress
guess i thought i could never feel
the things i feel
hey jupiter

so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend to run to

hey jupiternothing's been the same
so are you safe
now we're through
thought we both could use a friend to run to

hey jupiter

"You know how it is when you love someone?And the hard part, the bad part, the Jerry Springer show part is that you never stop loving someone. There's always a piece of them in your heart."


All very true, very true.

I'm being distracted again. I find that if I wear my headphones I feel more connected and get more typing done. Isn't that weird? Right now I am talking to five people. It makes it really difficult to be at all creative.

ok. I give.

sunset from hwy 2 

strange
by neil gaiman
There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sing, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

Whenever it rains you think of her.

shortcomings
I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy with school and sickness. All I really want to do lately is sleep. But instead, I'll post here. If you haven't heard Gloomy Sunday by bjork, go download it. It's a really good song.
I still don't have anything to say.
sorry.

edit:
Ok. That's not so good. I'm back and I'm going to try to give some content. I've given the art in, so it's gone and seems to have removed it's blackness from my consciousness, thank goodness. I also recently invested in Scarlet's Walk which should help to brighten my mood a bit. I sent some e-mails to people in japan, which was another thing nagging my conscience. I bought medulla as well, but it's a bit too experimental for my current mental state, I don't think I want to see what it does to my mood. I'm getting that sickness which seems to rear it's head everytime I'm attending school seriously. It just kind of saps my motivation and makes everything seem a thousand times worse than it actually is. I start to use music like drugs. I fill my ears with it, fill my head with it to make things go away, to make things solid again when it seems like everything is spinning. It makes me feel sort of weak to think that I can't make it stop by myself. I shouldn't need to hold onto something else.

That paragraph seems so menacing.

to you it's just another dead fag

For some reason, I feel really connected to this song. I don't think it has anything to do with sex... there's something about the melody and the way it flows, and the degree of closeness. It actually makes me feel like I've lost a friend I spent some crazy day in the city I've never been to on a rainy day with running and spinning who made me feel a bit more alive in a world which seems a little dead with. But I think the connection, that I was able to feel something someone else wanted me to feel, and that assurity of human emotion as a common bond outweighs the sadness in this case. Probably because I did not know him. This all seems in stark contrast to the only quote.

pick out your cloud

I've picked out so many clouds, but it just doesn't matter that you pick them. They move on and they change but they never fade away, they never die. They march on forever until you can't see them anymore. But it's not sad, because it's quite probable that we're just clouds too.

so... did I mention that I hate art?

wishful eyes
Okay, Ben just showed this to me and I had to share. It's simpy too good:

http://www.marryanamerican.ca/

Oh dear, *wipes tears*, that was a good laugh.

So, tonight kinda sucked. I had to work instead of going to commencement. And, at work, some guy figured, y'know, there's a new jenna jameson (porn star) biography and it has pictures in it... I know! let's rip the pictures out, bring them into the public washroom and jack off all over the fucking floor. Yeah! That sounds great!

NO! NOT a good idea!

So I cleaned cum instead of hanging out with my friends whom I haven't seen in a while. It was good times.

School's going ok, I made an effort and it minorly paid off. I'm going downtown tomorrow and blowing my paycheck. And hanging out... alone. Which will also be good times.

Uesugi/Yuki Eiri-You're very cold and enjoy
insulting people inferior to you. The only
people that can get close to you is your lover
and your best friend. (And I mean this in
*both* ways)

Which Anime Bishie Are You?
brought to you by

a little walk 

half open
Yay for the literacy test and being home all day, aka, yay for sleeping in. Today, well what's left of it that is, will be left to cleaning, cooking (mmm soup), art (must finish that girl), situps, and... reading maybe? If I have any time for it anyway.

Yesterday I ended up missing most of my work shift! Shannon covered for me, so it wasn't too too bad, but it still wasn't good. Before that, however, I went over to Ian's house and then out to dinner with them at Montana's. It was fun and we talked for quite a while. Then we went to stop over at Chapters and I found out that I had forgotten about my shift-switch with Glenn. Which reminds me, I switched Sunday for Saturday, so now I'm working on Saturday. Must. Remember.

I think it rained this morning, and a lot of leaves were blown to the ground. Now it's becoming apparent that Fall's going to end. I hate this point. Fall is so nice.

I can't believe I slept in so late this morning. Oh well, on to the day.

shell
It's sad that getting my hair cut tomorrow has been the only thing I've been looking forward to all weekend. I worked for 15 hours this weekend, had breakfast with my father, watched five episodes... or maybe more? of witch hunter robin with shannon, hung out at megan's house with her and laura, had a visit from alison and heather... a very stalker-ish one. I just don't like standing that long.

I still can't think of anything particularily thrilling to write about. And even if I could, it would only be something about me, and that's quite boring.

well. whatever. here goes.

Does everyone try to be more like an architypical version of themselves or someone else, or is it just me? I always feel like.... I dunno.... I should be constantly focussing myself and becoming more and more ......detailed? sort-of... I always want to be more and more complicated maybe? In everything, person, appearance, likes, music, clothes, etc. I don't know, I guess it's natural and it doesn't bother me that much. I just thought it might be something interesting for you guys to read.

'night

intospect plug
I have to work again tomorrow. I worked from 3-10:15 today, and I have to work from 11-6 tomorrow. It's kind of pooey, but at least it's money right? I can buy things anyway. I find it amusing that we have a book in chapters called 'blogging for teens'.

I have so many pictures from thanksgiving. They're all so nice.

Anyways, I'm tired. Hopefully I'll be less dead tomorrow for a real blogging.

cutest. baby. ever. 

I can't publish enough pictures to show you how beautiful it was 

thanksgiving... my family style 

That time of year
she says wake up it's no use pretending
eyes wide open, naked as we came
one will spread our ashes round the yard

I thought that maybe typing in colour would be kind of hip, but I decided against it: it ruins my image... or something.

I was so proud of myself, I actually finished my lab report on time yesterday, and I got a lot of work done on art today, plus it looks pretty good so far. So it's satisfying overall. But I'm feeling kind of weird lately, I'm wondering if I'm going to get like this every autumn. I've got some flab or something that needs to be killed, so I'll start working out and maybe it'll kill two birds with one stone.

Hmm... I decidedly listen to mostly depressing music. Speaking of which, I had an interesting conversation with my mother the other day in the kitchen about how we're both attracted to sad things. I wonder if it was her depression that first made me this way. It brings up unpleasant memories.

It's always interesting to see how your thoughts can change over the course of two hours. Your emotions, your thoughts, your scenery.

It seems like right now is a time of high-ish energy, where I'm getting a lot done, but also like I'm not really valuing the time? Maybe that's not it, it's difficult to place my finger on, I'm too eclectic and explosive to concentrate on anything long enough to completely enjoy it.

days before you came
it always seemed enticing to be naked at the bay
days before you came

after the silence: II
Well, here we go again for a second round. I was trying to pull a double-whammy and update my livejournal at the same time as my blog, but apparently it wasn't in the cards. So here goes.

Update: I went to Algonquin for Thanksgiving with the fam. I mean full-out 15 member fam. It was good times: relaxing, indescribably beautiful and just recharging overall. We almost didn't get to go because Bronwyn developed all these bruises suddenly and her levels went back down to 31. But somehow, miraculously, she made a full recovery all the way back up to 189 in two days. Insanity much? I went to this SAC camp dealy, and it was pretty fun although I had 18 cups of coffee in two days, which needless to say was a bad thing.

I was doing all of these quizzes and I had them all filled out and done , but then the stupid ads made my explorer crash and now I have to do them all over again. Oh well.

Let's see if we can't come up with some really deep thoughts. I was recently quite confused by fall leaves... it seems like when all of the trees change colour you've kind of popped into a different world. I wondered if the trees looked like that all the time people wouldn't cut them down. How could you lose even one tree full of such rich and fascinating colours? I remember that as one thing that stuck out in my mind flying over BC- the logging roads cutting through the otherwise beautiful landscape. Something must be done.

Today I was taught how to apply eyeliner. Girls seem to have some thing for always wanting to make me up... and feel the softness of my hands (this was new). I guess I like the attention but it's also embarassing and difficult to deal with.

Eyes wide open, naked as we came.

I don't like clothes, but I have to buy some soon. I'm down to three wearable pairs of pants, no winter jacket, one pair of pants for work, etc. It's a bit of an issue. Plus shit, I keep forgetting to make an appointment to get my hair cut. I kind of want to dye it again too.

Ok. That's enough for now I think. I should be working on art, or studying for bio and history. mah, c'est la vie.

did I mention that spilt coffee has a sad remembrance of old? 

mmm... sushi 

1000 Oceans
So tonight I'm feeling a bit melancholy. I'm not sure if I'm even trying to avoid it though... I'm supposing, however, that it is temporary and tomorrow I will wake up refreshed and ready to go. I didn't realize that you could write text in colour before. It doesn't make much difference to me though, I'm fine with black.

heard from the tv of the latest bombing
the girls were dancing
she was coming of age
shells fired out the
flowers blown down

innocence targeted,
who's god is this?

wish she could have one more day

I am tired to an extreme, and I'm aware that tiredness makes me sad/sappy/irritated/emotional, none of which are enjoyable, and yet I stay up. and now I sleep.

bronwyn 

hospital
Ok, so Bronwyn's out of the hospital for now. Her platelet count is back up to 25. For those of you who don't know, my sister contracted a blood disease called dtp last week. dtp is a disease where the spleen produces antibodies, usually in response to a virus, which somehow end up mistaking the platelets in the blood for the virus and destroying them. Once again for those who don't know, platelets are the part of blood responsible for clotting. Normal platelet levels in humans are 70, bronwyn first tested for 17 after I found a giant black bruise on her shoulder, and eventually went down to 5 or less. It got to the point where the capillaries in her legs were bursting. She got a blood transfusion at the hospital yesterday, and we're all hoping that it works, otherwise she might have to get a bone marrow transplant which would be extremely hard and horrible. I'm sort of worried that she'll be traumatized after all of this, concidering she's only 1 and all... But hopefully she'll be fine.
cheers

An Orchestrated Rise To Fall
Do you think maybe it's just music with lyrics that distracts you creatively? My theory on creativity has always been that most creativity is a product of other's creativity. So I've always been fascinated by pure creativity, the non-recycled kind. It's quite difficult to obtain.

story board
The title of a song I would send to you all.

in the dark 

isobel bjork from UNITY 

inari kitsune (fox spirit messenger of the rice god) 

i know this place

I had been trying to think of ideas for my first art project. I was sitting in the caf, listening to my music and reading some oscar wilde. I tilted my head back to finish off my water, draining the bottle. A song that I had never heard before was beginning. I filled my mouth with the water. For perhaps the first time I noticed that my mouth wasn’t in fact full of water, but that there was air in my throat pushing the water forward, protecting my windpipe. My body was keeping me from breathing the water. “This is the moment” the song said. And at once an image, an idea rushed to me. I saw a person under water, someone who had been struggling from the bottom to reach the surface. But it was unattainable. Rather than flailing about in a mad attempt, the person looked up, I saw through their eyes, at the light playing on the water of the surface. It was so beautiful, they could almost feel the warmth. They forced the air out and at once accepted the water into their throat. There was something magical about that sort of surrender.

I’m becoming an indie music kid. It’s not so much that I despise mainstream music, or that I like the idea of being unique, but rather that I’m discovering that there is a different noise, a sound which really suits me, that perhaps I haven’t found yet. In listening to some of this music I feel that I am sort of rediscovering childhood. Some of the tunes evoke a sort of feeling of… summer, the sun through the leaves, hidden brooks you wade in looking at fish, the pleasure of a wind blowing across a field while you’re resting after just having taken a long walk through the woods and climbed a tree. It’s extremely satisfying.

I’ve been having lots of flying dreams lately, I wonder what they mean.

How are all of you?

but the skyline is blocked with egos
I am quite tired. But also content because the thing with the cop went well. I've been reading "A Picture of Dorian Grey" lately, and it's been quite good so far.

finally we are no one
Sometimes if you watch carefully, the stars flicker. Today I saw one going in a sequence : red, blue, green, yellow , orange. It was crazy. Then I was told it takes ten thousand years for the light from those stars to reach our lonely eyes here on earth. Ten thousand years.

I bend again
come round the way
double checking
the scent of corn
in the cool night air
always I'm doubling back
looking for something
but I can never quite find

chris in corning 

tori courtesy hereinmyhead 

from here no lines are drawn
From here, no lines are drawn
From here, no lands are owned
13000 and holding
swallowed
in the purring of her engines
tracking of the Beakon here
"is there a signal there on the other side?"
on the other side?

Another good song, except that it always makes me sad seeing as it's about september 11th. Whoah. Waitasec, isn't today sept.11th? Wow. Now that is weird.

Thank goodness for Shannon! She is the bringer of great music!
I love the way light from lakes and ponds reflects on leaves in that amazing pattern, with the light moving from bottom to top. It's like they're glowing all by themselves.

overflow
It's very difficult when you're unaware of how to cope with a situation, when it seems like you're just feeling too many things in too many directions all at once. It's perturbing to say the least. Life just throws things at you, and it seems like it waits until you have your hands full and can't catch anything; something's bound to hit the ground.

I had a nap, so I am not tired. Tomorrow I have school and then an appointment with a police officer to give a statement. I might have to go testify a little down the line... which wouldn't be fun.

Anyway... I'm talking on the phone now. So I'm going to get off.

instances
First of all, I must say that I never knew so much good music existed.

I got back from Algonquin again. This time I have no new pictures. On Friday I ate lunch on a cliff that I am quite certain not many people know about. I had a talk with my aunt, she gave me a rock. Later on that night we watched god and all of heaven march over the lake, and listened to a loon cry from across the night.

some things are too good
for example: Ann Coulter's writing http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2004/072604.htm

a teaser: As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it's because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council's approval. Plus, it's no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call "women" at the Democratic National Convention.

.....this is a joke, right?

the real rolling clouds 

thoughts right now
So I made my first cd the other day. I was all proud of my creation. It has some pretty good tunes on it. I like making cds, I'll have to do more of that in the future, but plan them better next time. I think making your own sort-of mixes gives you an idea of how hard it must be to be a real musician and put out cds. At least cds that have a natural flow and maybe an idea or a feel to them that all of the tracks follow and bring you along. It would be extremely interesting to be a musician.

Speaking of which, I might finally be taking piano lessons in the near future! That would be so exciting! Melissa, are you any good at teaching? ;)

I can't think of any pictures to post that are interesting, but I think it's because I've seen them all a million times, they might be more interesting to you guys. I had thought about making a photo-only blog, but I figure I shouldn't spread myself too thin, I don't seem to work well under those circumstances (see last post, written while splitting my attention between various things). I had also thought about doing a poetry blog... and a rant blog... and I even got a live journal, except I don't think I should do anything on it because I a) don't want to divide my attention (as much as I have which is very little) any further, B) I don't want to read about what I've wasted the day doing or not doing, C) I'm not sure if I or the people I spend my time with would even want any details of their lives or experiences being posted on it *cough clyde cough*. And so... perhaps no live journal.

I keep having weird dreams with a gender-less person whom I think I am supposed to meet in the future. S/he keeps telling me things that I understand in the dream but not in waking life that I think may be important. It's quite frustrating.

Wow, see, this is what happens when I'm not on MSN or browsing other websites while I'm blogging ---- Content!

in several acts
"you're only popular with anorexia, so I turn myself inside out, in hope someone will see"
I think eating disorders have a habit of eating people. But I don't think they can do it unless you really want them to. Once upon a time I wanted them to. But Ana went away.

I usually don't know what I'm talking about, but I keep writing anyway in the hopes that something will come to me. I suppose it's just me "waiting for my sailor". I've been thinking about organizing lately. Trying to give myself some sort of direction. But I can't help but think that it's pointless and there's nothing for it but to give up. So that's what I keep doing.

"all the world is all i am the black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand "



current song: Jackie's Strength

two interesting signs at U of T 

thing no.2 

I wanted to walk through the empty streets
And feel something constant under my feet,
But all the news reports recommended thatI stay indoors
Because the air outside will make our cells
Divide at an alarming rate until our shells
Simply cannot hold all our insides in,
And that's when we'll explode
(and it won't be a pretty sight)