good
What a song.
Time can take it's toll on the best of us
Look at you you're growing old, so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the sun
Sometimes the TV is like a lover
Singing softly as you fall asleep
You wake up in the morning and it's still there
Adding up the things you'll never be
Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
Time can take it's toll on the best of us
Look at you you're growing old, so young
Traffic lights blink at you in the evening
You tilt your head and turn it to the setting sun
You disembark the latest flight from paradise
You almost turn your ankle in the snow
You fall back into where you started
Make up words to songs you used to know
Alright, I can say what you want me to
Alright, I can do all the things you do
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
Kurt Cobain, he never had a chance you know
Incurable romantics never do
He held a flame I wasn't born to carry
I'll leave the dying young stuff up to you
You get back on the latest flight to paradise
I found out from a note taped to the door
I think I saw your airplane in the sky tonight
Through my window lying on the kitchen floor
Alright, I can say what you want me to
(I want more)
Alright, I can do all the things you do
(Give me more)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
(I want more)
Alright, I'll say what you want me to
(Give me more)
Alright, I'll do all the things you do
(I want more from you)
Alright, I'll make it all up for you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
I'm still in love with you
And then, a voice to pull me out of the lingering remnants of loneliness from that song:
tatoe donna ni kizutsuitemo
dore dake kizutsuku koto ni nattemo
dare ni mo boku wa tomerarenai
wazuka na hikari wo mitsukareba ii
ima ha taiyou agarenakutemo
'furidashita ame wa itsuka yamun da ne'
sou sa, kono ame wa itsuka yamun da ne
Thursday, July 21, 2005
spinning
Alright, I need to slow it the hell down. I have been so actively pursuing all of this shit that I would have, maybe as short a time as a month ago, considered completely low and beneath what I thought were my moral standards. I could have easily done myself some severe injury on saturday night with the drinking and the smoking and the ingestion of painkillers, and I'm not so sure monday night was such a great idea either.
Bonus points for me.
Time to take a breath.
Alright, I need to slow it the hell down. I have been so actively pursuing all of this shit that I would have, maybe as short a time as a month ago, considered completely low and beneath what I thought were my moral standards. I could have easily done myself some severe injury on saturday night with the drinking and the smoking and the ingestion of painkillers, and I'm not so sure monday night was such a great idea either.
Bonus points for me.
Time to take a breath.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Warning: black hole-level negativity
I am so angry, and so resigned to the overall shitiness of human beings in general. Ever since the week just before my birthday, I've been on this giant downward spiral of negativity, and you know what? I don't even give a shit. That's how far down I've come.
People are completely unreliable, I've become accustomed to assuming that when somebody says that they will do something, there is only about a fifty percent chance that they will follow through. I'm tired of being asked the same questions over and over, simply because the person asking is not actually interested in learning the answer to the question, only eager to fill up the oh-so-terrifying silence with the sounds of their own voice. So afraid of change, and of themselves and of realizations about life and the way their minds work. We say one thing, but mean another. We tip-toe around when we should be being direct, and when we should be being considerate we are self-centred. No-one has a fucking clue. And what's more, no-one's really interested in having a clue, just in what makes them feel good, even at the expense of other's feelings.
BAH!
I am so angry, and so resigned to the overall shitiness of human beings in general. Ever since the week just before my birthday, I've been on this giant downward spiral of negativity, and you know what? I don't even give a shit. That's how far down I've come.
People are completely unreliable, I've become accustomed to assuming that when somebody says that they will do something, there is only about a fifty percent chance that they will follow through. I'm tired of being asked the same questions over and over, simply because the person asking is not actually interested in learning the answer to the question, only eager to fill up the oh-so-terrifying silence with the sounds of their own voice. So afraid of change, and of themselves and of realizations about life and the way their minds work. We say one thing, but mean another. We tip-toe around when we should be being direct, and when we should be being considerate we are self-centred. No-one has a fucking clue. And what's more, no-one's really interested in having a clue, just in what makes them feel good, even at the expense of other's feelings.
BAH!
Fireworks
Well, it's official. I'm in love. I am so, so glad that I did go down to watch the Apostle of Hustle and Feist perform at the Harbourfront Centre, and it was easily the best Canada Day ever. Andrew Whiteman, of BSS fame, danced all around the stage, constantly wishing us a happy canada day. It was interesting to see the crowd too, they were a mix of all ethnic groups and all ages. There was an underlying presence of teenaged indie kids. AoH played a great set, that seemed short, filled with great pulsating guitar riffs and latin tap-dance sessions. I can't remember what that's called. Anyway, it was amazing.
We decided to wait until Feist took the stage, instead of taking a break in between the two acts. It was a good idea, as we managed to push up closer to the front and into the seating areas. There was an unfortunate man quite close to me though, I felt like hitting him. He was basically having a bad time and trying to make sure that everyone else around him felt likewise. I ignored him.
People freaked out when she took the stage. She opened with 'when I was a young girl', singing softly into the microphone with no accompaniment at first (the unfortunate man covered his ears, remarking 'is that what you call singing?). She went on and played gatekeeper, mushaboom, secret heart, almost her whole album, closing with piste 6 (lonely, lonely). At one point she stopped to watch the fireworks over the lake, exclaiming that they were shooting out of her heart, and making exploding noises as they burst into the air. She was simply amazing. It's hard to believe that Canada has acts like this, and the majority of people don't know it.
Well, it's official. I'm in love. I am so, so glad that I did go down to watch the Apostle of Hustle and Feist perform at the Harbourfront Centre, and it was easily the best Canada Day ever. Andrew Whiteman, of BSS fame, danced all around the stage, constantly wishing us a happy canada day. It was interesting to see the crowd too, they were a mix of all ethnic groups and all ages. There was an underlying presence of teenaged indie kids. AoH played a great set, that seemed short, filled with great pulsating guitar riffs and latin tap-dance sessions. I can't remember what that's called. Anyway, it was amazing.
We decided to wait until Feist took the stage, instead of taking a break in between the two acts. It was a good idea, as we managed to push up closer to the front and into the seating areas. There was an unfortunate man quite close to me though, I felt like hitting him. He was basically having a bad time and trying to make sure that everyone else around him felt likewise. I ignored him.
People freaked out when she took the stage. She opened with 'when I was a young girl', singing softly into the microphone with no accompaniment at first (the unfortunate man covered his ears, remarking 'is that what you call singing?). She went on and played gatekeeper, mushaboom, secret heart, almost her whole album, closing with piste 6 (lonely, lonely). At one point she stopped to watch the fireworks over the lake, exclaiming that they were shooting out of her heart, and making exploding noises as they burst into the air. She was simply amazing. It's hard to believe that Canada has acts like this, and the majority of people don't know it.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
selph
Mmmm, newest addiction: the Perishers. There is something about minor chords that finds a resonance in me. Despite it's simplicity and lack of any real stand-out qualities, I enjoy this music. Even if the majority of the lyrics are crap. Ok, so all of the lyrics are crap. I don't care.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. Two great Canadian bands, for free? That's just too good a deal to pass up. I'm hoping it will be an actual good Canada Day, they so rarely are. It's nice to be breaking away from the go-out-with-family-to-some-crappy-hillside-listen-to-bad-music-and-pretend-you're-somewhere-else-while-gazing-longingly-at-fireworks-wishing-that-you-yourself-were-one model of previous July 1st celebrations.
I'm getting wanderlust again. It probably has something to do with stagnance. I don't cope well when the wind stops and everything starts looking paled. I kind of want to take off to japan again. That may just be an excuse. Maybe I'm missing the language, maybe I'm missing the freedom. It's just an excuse.
I thought another random chick today was hot. I don't know what's going on... could it be I have biological drive after all?
Is it sad that I'd almost prefer that that weren't the case?
Perhaps. Once again I find the caring behind this question to be false.
The Smashing Pumpkins may be getting back together. I would appreciate this, I think. I'm not sure if I actually need anything more than adore, to be perfectly honest, the rest seems less.... perfect. Haven't heard too much of his solo stuff yet, amused by his 'biography'. Interestingly, it's not just the content that is painful to the reader, but the actual text itself is so high-contrast that I feel semi-blind after about fifteen minutes. I think he honestly believes he's some sort of legend.
On second thought, I might be able to sympathize. It might just be a symptom of his displeasure with reality. Sometimes it's easier to make the little things in life into big things, because then you don't actually have to deal with them. (cough shitty 'issues bands' cough)
Anyway, that's all for now.
Mmmm, newest addiction: the Perishers. There is something about minor chords that finds a resonance in me. Despite it's simplicity and lack of any real stand-out qualities, I enjoy this music. Even if the majority of the lyrics are crap. Ok, so all of the lyrics are crap. I don't care.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. Two great Canadian bands, for free? That's just too good a deal to pass up. I'm hoping it will be an actual good Canada Day, they so rarely are. It's nice to be breaking away from the go-out-with-family-to-some-crappy-hillside-listen-to-bad-music-and-pretend-you're-somewhere-else-while-gazing-longingly-at-fireworks-wishing-that-you-yourself-were-one model of previous July 1st celebrations.
I'm getting wanderlust again. It probably has something to do with stagnance. I don't cope well when the wind stops and everything starts looking paled. I kind of want to take off to japan again. That may just be an excuse. Maybe I'm missing the language, maybe I'm missing the freedom. It's just an excuse.
I thought another random chick today was hot. I don't know what's going on... could it be I have biological drive after all?
Is it sad that I'd almost prefer that that weren't the case?
Perhaps. Once again I find the caring behind this question to be false.
The Smashing Pumpkins may be getting back together. I would appreciate this, I think. I'm not sure if I actually need anything more than adore, to be perfectly honest, the rest seems less.... perfect. Haven't heard too much of his solo stuff yet, amused by his 'biography'. Interestingly, it's not just the content that is painful to the reader, but the actual text itself is so high-contrast that I feel semi-blind after about fifteen minutes. I think he honestly believes he's some sort of legend.
On second thought, I might be able to sympathize. It might just be a symptom of his displeasure with reality. Sometimes it's easier to make the little things in life into big things, because then you don't actually have to deal with them. (cough shitty 'issues bands' cough)
Anyway, that's all for now.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Stumbeline
It's been a while since I've updated...I've gotten so lazy about this. I know it sounded like I was all bummed out on the last post, but actually it was more like an exorcism, so you can ignore it or I'll just delete it.
Also: shit, I just remembered that I had that information session dealie today. How did it come so fast? I hope I can reschedule that..... otherwise I might just be a bit screwed for university.
Oh dear.
Anyway, I went to the Pride Parade on the weekend. I was glad to hang out with steph and courtney for a bit, even though they almost didn't make the train. Fun was had, despite the ungodly heat and smog, and sunburn afterwards. It did kind of re-solidify my distaste for the gay community as represented in said 'parade', but it was fun. They should just call it the lots-of-fat-naked-gay-guys-holding-hands-with-the-occasional-kickass-dragqueen-parade, it would be more accurate. Also, I am once more horrified at the idea of 'bath houses', especially given the volume of visitors I'm sure was present this passed weekend. I guess sex is fun though. Whatev.
That weekend also unfortunately turned out to be the weekend of the bands Liam wanted to see but couldn't. I missed 5 in total that I really wanted to see. All in three days. Sucky, at best.
I'm tired from wandering around downtown so much today. I went seemingly everywhere. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I didn't find it.
Desire is a strange, strange creature. I'm still completely not used to it. Being attracted to random people on the street seems soooo foreign. But it did happen today. Sexual attraction, and that chemistry, is so interesting... it defies logic completely. I'm not used to having my mind over-ridden like that. I think typically I start off with appreciating someone and just generally enjoying their company a lot before I really become attracted to them. Maybe that's why it's so surprising to start off the other way. lol, or in my case, to finish that way.
Ok, that's all for now. I am currently enjoying : Broken Social Scene.
It's been a while since I've updated...I've gotten so lazy about this. I know it sounded like I was all bummed out on the last post, but actually it was more like an exorcism, so you can ignore it or I'll just delete it.
Also: shit, I just remembered that I had that information session dealie today. How did it come so fast? I hope I can reschedule that..... otherwise I might just be a bit screwed for university.
Oh dear.
Anyway, I went to the Pride Parade on the weekend. I was glad to hang out with steph and courtney for a bit, even though they almost didn't make the train. Fun was had, despite the ungodly heat and smog, and sunburn afterwards. It did kind of re-solidify my distaste for the gay community as represented in said 'parade', but it was fun. They should just call it the lots-of-fat-naked-gay-guys-holding-hands-with-the-occasional-kickass-dragqueen-parade, it would be more accurate. Also, I am once more horrified at the idea of 'bath houses', especially given the volume of visitors I'm sure was present this passed weekend. I guess sex is fun though. Whatev.
That weekend also unfortunately turned out to be the weekend of the bands Liam wanted to see but couldn't. I missed 5 in total that I really wanted to see. All in three days. Sucky, at best.
I'm tired from wandering around downtown so much today. I went seemingly everywhere. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I didn't find it.
Desire is a strange, strange creature. I'm still completely not used to it. Being attracted to random people on the street seems soooo foreign. But it did happen today. Sexual attraction, and that chemistry, is so interesting... it defies logic completely. I'm not used to having my mind over-ridden like that. I think typically I start off with appreciating someone and just generally enjoying their company a lot before I really become attracted to them. Maybe that's why it's so surprising to start off the other way. lol, or in my case, to finish that way.
Ok, that's all for now. I am currently enjoying : Broken Social Scene.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
I can't believe I ever thought that I liked him. Everything he does now just drives me insane and makes me want to explode. Simply so that I can explode onto him. And maybe upset him a bit.
I also do not appreciate that I ever feel bad or sad or angry because of him. I don't like that I become so negative around him, or that I so thoroughly despise anything that he likes plainly because he likes it. I hate that I ever feel guilty for abhorring him.
Fuck him.
I also do not appreciate that I ever feel bad or sad or angry because of him. I don't like that I become so negative around him, or that I so thoroughly despise anything that he likes plainly because he likes it. I hate that I ever feel guilty for abhorring him.
Fuck him.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Beginning my Studies
By Walt Whitman
Beginning my studies the first step pleas'd me so much,
The mere fact consciousness, these forms, the power of motion,
The least insect or animal, the senses, eyesight, love,
The first step I say awed me and pleas'd me so much,
I have hardly gone and hardly wish'd to go any farther,
But stop and loiter all the time to sing it in ecstatic songs.
And also:
excerpt from Somewhere I have never travelled
By EE Cummings
...your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending...
... (i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
and, just in case you were fooled:
an excerpt from Bodies
By The Smashing Pumpkins
cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
come into my life forever
the crumbled cities stand as known
of the sights you have been shown
of the hurt you call your own
love is suicide
love is suicide
love is suicide
love is
In the past four or five days I have read both the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, which I did not enjoy that much, and the Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd, which was written at least 3 times better than the Da Vinci Code. Now I am reading 'the pocket book of modern verse' and a book called 'the global soul' by pico iyer.
That's all for now.
I turn nineteen in 1 week, counting today.
By Walt Whitman
Beginning my studies the first step pleas'd me so much,
The mere fact consciousness, these forms, the power of motion,
The least insect or animal, the senses, eyesight, love,
The first step I say awed me and pleas'd me so much,
I have hardly gone and hardly wish'd to go any farther,
But stop and loiter all the time to sing it in ecstatic songs.
And also:
excerpt from Somewhere I have never travelled
By EE Cummings
...your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers, you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending...
... (i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
and, just in case you were fooled:
an excerpt from Bodies
By The Smashing Pumpkins
cast the pearls aside, of a simple life of need
come into my life forever
the crumbled cities stand as known
of the sights you have been shown
of the hurt you call your own
love is suicide
love is suicide
love is suicide
love is
In the past four or five days I have read both the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown, which I did not enjoy that much, and the Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd, which was written at least 3 times better than the Da Vinci Code. Now I am reading 'the pocket book of modern verse' and a book called 'the global soul' by pico iyer.
That's all for now.
I turn nineteen in 1 week, counting today.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
experience
I don't think I like the idea that my name can be searched for online and my blog will just pop up. It's more than just a little unnerving and I'm sure that there are a few people reading this now that didn't have access to it before. If you were not invited, I probably do not appreciate you. But I know that this is a less-than-private forum to articulate this stuff, and I respect your right to access public websites.
That aside, I did more than a few things on the weekend that I am not proud of. I still haven't completely decided what they mean, or how much of a hypocrite I have made myself. I'm glad I told my mother all about it though... but I am at the same time slightly disturbed by the way it felt slightly like a confession. I do feel marginally better about it now, though.
Lately I've been riding that thirst for knowledge. I'm so eager to start university, and read and read and devour everything I can get my hands on that will further my comprehension of life around and in me. I like it a lot, but I feel like it's been largely inspired by one influence.
Also: Apparently my moon sign is scorpio, not sagittarius. I'm sure it had been bothering you all.
I don't think I like the idea that my name can be searched for online and my blog will just pop up. It's more than just a little unnerving and I'm sure that there are a few people reading this now that didn't have access to it before. If you were not invited, I probably do not appreciate you. But I know that this is a less-than-private forum to articulate this stuff, and I respect your right to access public websites.
That aside, I did more than a few things on the weekend that I am not proud of. I still haven't completely decided what they mean, or how much of a hypocrite I have made myself. I'm glad I told my mother all about it though... but I am at the same time slightly disturbed by the way it felt slightly like a confession. I do feel marginally better about it now, though.
Lately I've been riding that thirst for knowledge. I'm so eager to start university, and read and read and devour everything I can get my hands on that will further my comprehension of life around and in me. I like it a lot, but I feel like it's been largely inspired by one influence.
Also: Apparently my moon sign is scorpio, not sagittarius. I'm sure it had been bothering you all.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
In Pursuit
I think there's another fundamental jump-off point coming up around the corner, and I'm not sure if I'm headed down to find the root or up the stalk but I feel that in either case it will be positive.
I've been thinking a lot lately about archetypes, maybe it's been inspired by what I've been reading, but I think I've been moving into that space for a while now. When there's a problem, or when something comes up, I have a tendency to try to put myself into that canvas and try to circumspectate a bit, really get my bearings so that I can fix the puzzle where the wrong pieces have been shoved in. One of the patrons occupying my mind lately has been the Masculine... trying to find out what it is that makes up the essence of being a man. For most of my life, I've been dancing around with the Feminine, learning what I can from her and finding out how she fits into my life...and I guess through that window I'm noticing the misconceptions I've associated with the idea of Man. I don't think it's necessary for me to write any more about the negative experiences I've had with men and male role models in my past, but I think that lately, for the first time I'm noticing that those holes and that poison is not what makes up the essence of Masculinity. I think that it's this curiousity about what a man is that has been drawing me to male role models so strongly over the past few years.
I feel like I see a lot of this through my mother's glasses. She never meant any of it but I think that she has made up a lot of my perceptions for me, and just kind of presented them to me as a Lesson. I am only just now in this part of my life coming to examine my own ideas, and seeing that I do not agree with a lot of them, and sort of following them back through the changes and flows of my life to find that they were fed into me at some impressionable point in it. I'm not angry or upset about it at all though... just happy that I have come to notice.
I've also been spending a bit of time over the past few days sitting in front of my keyboard, toying around with notes and melodies. That I can say has come from Tori, the ways that she describes sound and music, and the creation of music has seemingly opened a new door for me. I had always concidered music as this unattainable channeling, a select room that was not open to me. But now I almost feel that music is even more oriented towards me than visual art. It's more open to change, which works better with my Being than something like expressing an image on a canvas.
That's all for now I think. This may be becoming a bit too personal. I don't think it really is for anyone anymore so much as it is a space for me to organize my thoughts.
I think there's another fundamental jump-off point coming up around the corner, and I'm not sure if I'm headed down to find the root or up the stalk but I feel that in either case it will be positive.
I've been thinking a lot lately about archetypes, maybe it's been inspired by what I've been reading, but I think I've been moving into that space for a while now. When there's a problem, or when something comes up, I have a tendency to try to put myself into that canvas and try to circumspectate a bit, really get my bearings so that I can fix the puzzle where the wrong pieces have been shoved in. One of the patrons occupying my mind lately has been the Masculine... trying to find out what it is that makes up the essence of being a man. For most of my life, I've been dancing around with the Feminine, learning what I can from her and finding out how she fits into my life...and I guess through that window I'm noticing the misconceptions I've associated with the idea of Man. I don't think it's necessary for me to write any more about the negative experiences I've had with men and male role models in my past, but I think that lately, for the first time I'm noticing that those holes and that poison is not what makes up the essence of Masculinity. I think that it's this curiousity about what a man is that has been drawing me to male role models so strongly over the past few years.
I feel like I see a lot of this through my mother's glasses. She never meant any of it but I think that she has made up a lot of my perceptions for me, and just kind of presented them to me as a Lesson. I am only just now in this part of my life coming to examine my own ideas, and seeing that I do not agree with a lot of them, and sort of following them back through the changes and flows of my life to find that they were fed into me at some impressionable point in it. I'm not angry or upset about it at all though... just happy that I have come to notice.
I've also been spending a bit of time over the past few days sitting in front of my keyboard, toying around with notes and melodies. That I can say has come from Tori, the ways that she describes sound and music, and the creation of music has seemingly opened a new door for me. I had always concidered music as this unattainable channeling, a select room that was not open to me. But now I almost feel that music is even more oriented towards me than visual art. It's more open to change, which works better with my Being than something like expressing an image on a canvas.
That's all for now I think. This may be becoming a bit too personal. I don't think it really is for anyone anymore so much as it is a space for me to organize my thoughts.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Sulk at heights
Today was just another one of those days, you know? Where the grey of the sky just seemed to be a reflection of the bleak nature of the everyday. I don't feel... strong enough maybe? to stand on my own some days, and today was just one of them. So I'm going to talk a bit about it and just leave a marker out there.
I feel an accute need for companionship lately... I just need someone to be there, and it seems like so often, more and more lately, no one is. Nobody picks up, nobody randomly smiles, no-one offers a new experience or even the comfort of an old one. And I suppose the fact is that I have no right to be expecting things like that, and I usually feel, I don't know... ashamed maybe? at feeling inadequate. In the same manner I guess I'm guilty of the same. I don't call often enough, I don't smile at passers-by and I don't feel like I have much to offer a lot of the time.
I feel like I should be expanding my circles of friends, but it's always hard to meet new people. I guess I'm afraid of putting myself on the line, I don't like being hurt. It seems like friendships always end that way; everyone getting hurt. I don't like that and it turns me off of opening new relationships or allowing current ones to unfold.
I guess... things fall apart. That's the nature of the universe, right? It pops open and spreads out until it can't go any further and there's nought for it but to return to nothingness. And then it all folds back in again. In a lot of ways it's depressing but I'm not sure that I don't find some hope in the idea that everything breaks. I suppose it's just nice to know that everything has an end.
I'm getting confused now, having a hard time understanding what it is that I'm trying to convey, and I know that only makes it infinitely harder for everyone else to understand, but I'm going to press on because I feel like there might be something important hidden in here.
Some things have just been shitty lately. I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of people, I'm never sure where I stand really I suppose, but it makes it difficult to get a good footing. The self-doubt only makes me less likely to open up and clarify the lines, and less likely to create new ones. It also leads to anxiety, and anger, and after a while, I just get so pissed off that I burn everything just so that I don't have to deal with it, you know? I don't like having something close to me that hurts, I can't take it so I just reduce it to nothing. I let someone else feel the hurt for a bit.
I guess.... I don't know, but I think I'm seeing that maybe I've just gotten too detail-oriented with my life, and maybe I need to pull back and let things blur a bit so I can really see everything for what it is, and just let them simplify a little. Because I think there is value to a lot of simple, small things, which is something I may have paid very little attention to for quite some time. There's an allure to basic human connection that I've been craving, and I like the romance of a blank page.
When I was a little boy, I always thought that I was strong. I felt, I thought I knew that I was brave, and that I had to be brave because other people needed me to be... I wanted to make myself into a pillar so that other people wouldn't have to hurt. I was much less selfish then. The only thing that I was afraid of was to be left alone. I was terrified of it. Even just the act of my mother leaving the car to pump gas into it used to send me into throws of scenarios playing through my head. I would become slightly hysterical, and I could think of nothing else but her leaving me. But I still wanted to be strong, and I hated that part of me. I hated it hated it hated it because it was a part of me that was weak. So I would tell myself, you're ok, you don't need anyone else, if they don't come back then they don't love you and you don't need them around you, you are fine by yourself you don't need anyone else why are you afraid you should be brave everyone needs you to be strong . But it still hurt to see people leave, you know? It always felt, it still feels like being personally rejected. Like you're just not worth the time or the effort. I already know where that anxiety comes from, but I don't think it's something that I can really feasably remove now, so I've just sort-of learned to live with it.
That comes from my father.
Another one of my issues that affects so much how I am and how I behave around others is the idea that I'm not good enough. It contributes to the break-ups that I have with people, and really causes a lot of the hurt associated with that. When my dad and my mom first divorced, my mom was really sad. We had moved to the states and mom had left her family and all her friends behind. She had started a life with someone and it had just sort of been taken away from her. I can understand now but back then I didn't. She would cry almost every night, and I would never understand. I had hated my father for not loving me as much as he loved my sister, and I never felt good enough when he was around. When he left, I felt a bit more free. So why was mom crying? I could never console her, I could never make her stop hurting, so I would just hold her and tell her that I loved her. It got really bad, to the point where mom didn't really want to continue, so I had to pick up the slack. I learned how to cook, got a key to the house and started watching my sister. I had to grow up kind of fast, but I never really felt like I was missing anything, it was just natural to become stronger when you were needed by someone. But I could never make mom stop crying. I think it still affects me, you know? The idea that you're not good enough to make someone happy. It's kind of a lingering shadow.
Anyway, my sister wants to go to bed, but I just felt in the mood to connect... or at least transmit an idea, and hopefully make my behaviour a bit easier to understand for everyone else.
good night.
Today was just another one of those days, you know? Where the grey of the sky just seemed to be a reflection of the bleak nature of the everyday. I don't feel... strong enough maybe? to stand on my own some days, and today was just one of them. So I'm going to talk a bit about it and just leave a marker out there.
I feel an accute need for companionship lately... I just need someone to be there, and it seems like so often, more and more lately, no one is. Nobody picks up, nobody randomly smiles, no-one offers a new experience or even the comfort of an old one. And I suppose the fact is that I have no right to be expecting things like that, and I usually feel, I don't know... ashamed maybe? at feeling inadequate. In the same manner I guess I'm guilty of the same. I don't call often enough, I don't smile at passers-by and I don't feel like I have much to offer a lot of the time.
I feel like I should be expanding my circles of friends, but it's always hard to meet new people. I guess I'm afraid of putting myself on the line, I don't like being hurt. It seems like friendships always end that way; everyone getting hurt. I don't like that and it turns me off of opening new relationships or allowing current ones to unfold.
I guess... things fall apart. That's the nature of the universe, right? It pops open and spreads out until it can't go any further and there's nought for it but to return to nothingness. And then it all folds back in again. In a lot of ways it's depressing but I'm not sure that I don't find some hope in the idea that everything breaks. I suppose it's just nice to know that everything has an end.
I'm getting confused now, having a hard time understanding what it is that I'm trying to convey, and I know that only makes it infinitely harder for everyone else to understand, but I'm going to press on because I feel like there might be something important hidden in here.
Some things have just been shitty lately. I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of people, I'm never sure where I stand really I suppose, but it makes it difficult to get a good footing. The self-doubt only makes me less likely to open up and clarify the lines, and less likely to create new ones. It also leads to anxiety, and anger, and after a while, I just get so pissed off that I burn everything just so that I don't have to deal with it, you know? I don't like having something close to me that hurts, I can't take it so I just reduce it to nothing. I let someone else feel the hurt for a bit.
I guess.... I don't know, but I think I'm seeing that maybe I've just gotten too detail-oriented with my life, and maybe I need to pull back and let things blur a bit so I can really see everything for what it is, and just let them simplify a little. Because I think there is value to a lot of simple, small things, which is something I may have paid very little attention to for quite some time. There's an allure to basic human connection that I've been craving, and I like the romance of a blank page.
When I was a little boy, I always thought that I was strong. I felt, I thought I knew that I was brave, and that I had to be brave because other people needed me to be... I wanted to make myself into a pillar so that other people wouldn't have to hurt. I was much less selfish then. The only thing that I was afraid of was to be left alone. I was terrified of it. Even just the act of my mother leaving the car to pump gas into it used to send me into throws of scenarios playing through my head. I would become slightly hysterical, and I could think of nothing else but her leaving me. But I still wanted to be strong, and I hated that part of me. I hated it hated it hated it because it was a part of me that was weak. So I would tell myself, you're ok, you don't need anyone else, if they don't come back then they don't love you and you don't need them around you, you are fine by yourself you don't need anyone else why are you afraid you should be brave everyone needs you to be strong . But it still hurt to see people leave, you know? It always felt, it still feels like being personally rejected. Like you're just not worth the time or the effort. I already know where that anxiety comes from, but I don't think it's something that I can really feasably remove now, so I've just sort-of learned to live with it.
That comes from my father.
Another one of my issues that affects so much how I am and how I behave around others is the idea that I'm not good enough. It contributes to the break-ups that I have with people, and really causes a lot of the hurt associated with that. When my dad and my mom first divorced, my mom was really sad. We had moved to the states and mom had left her family and all her friends behind. She had started a life with someone and it had just sort of been taken away from her. I can understand now but back then I didn't. She would cry almost every night, and I would never understand. I had hated my father for not loving me as much as he loved my sister, and I never felt good enough when he was around. When he left, I felt a bit more free. So why was mom crying? I could never console her, I could never make her stop hurting, so I would just hold her and tell her that I loved her. It got really bad, to the point where mom didn't really want to continue, so I had to pick up the slack. I learned how to cook, got a key to the house and started watching my sister. I had to grow up kind of fast, but I never really felt like I was missing anything, it was just natural to become stronger when you were needed by someone. But I could never make mom stop crying. I think it still affects me, you know? The idea that you're not good enough to make someone happy. It's kind of a lingering shadow.
Anyway, my sister wants to go to bed, but I just felt in the mood to connect... or at least transmit an idea, and hopefully make my behaviour a bit easier to understand for everyone else.
good night.
| You Are 35% Normal (Occasionally Normal) |
 You sure do march to your own beat... But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all You think on a totally different wavelength And it's often a chore to get people to understand you |
How'>http://www.blogthings.com/hownormalareyouquiz/">How Normal Are You
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Happy not-quite-good-enough-thursday
Today is a day for those of us who are not quite good enough, to rejoice in our shortcomings and forgive ourselves. Or maybe just a day of general self-improvement.
I recommend Lost in Translation for those interested in examining the roles of relationships in people's lives. It's illuminated in a different light that I think people often neglect to take proper notice of. I think there's a general tendency with people to opt for the all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to a relationship. So I think a portrait of the grey areas between is pretty interesting.
I can feel spring coming, like that moment right before your head goes in the water, and your body just draws in that last breath in expectation. I'm hoping that this is the last 'breath' of snow and winter. I'd like to bloom a bit myself.
Take care.
Today is a day for those of us who are not quite good enough, to rejoice in our shortcomings and forgive ourselves. Or maybe just a day of general self-improvement.
I recommend Lost in Translation for those interested in examining the roles of relationships in people's lives. It's illuminated in a different light that I think people often neglect to take proper notice of. I think there's a general tendency with people to opt for the all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to a relationship. So I think a portrait of the grey areas between is pretty interesting.
I can feel spring coming, like that moment right before your head goes in the water, and your body just draws in that last breath in expectation. I'm hoping that this is the last 'breath' of snow and winter. I'd like to bloom a bit myself.
Take care.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
bridgeburner
I can't find my beekeeper cd... which was supposed to be the medication I would use to give me a motive for this post. And it also kind of shakes what was in my mind to post straight out of it. Mostly I was going to talk about my tendency to burn bridges and do things in spite of people. But, now I'm too distressed over the potential loss of my cd. So I will instead say: I miss you, I love you, I secretly long for you... and that's all.
I can't find my beekeeper cd... which was supposed to be the medication I would use to give me a motive for this post. And it also kind of shakes what was in my mind to post straight out of it. Mostly I was going to talk about my tendency to burn bridges and do things in spite of people. But, now I'm too distressed over the potential loss of my cd. So I will instead say: I miss you, I love you, I secretly long for you... and that's all.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Fitting
There you
There you go again
Breaking
Breaking porcelain
Is that all I am
just a Doll you got used to
We’ve done
We’ve done this before
as Mars sauntered through his door
Don’t say it’s time to say
Goodbye to Pisces
Goodbye to Pisces
I am sitting sipping a cup of tea at my dad's, eating spoonfuls of fruit salad. Lately I've been craving damper climates, something like Scotland or New Zealand. I've actually been feeling like I have an ancestry lately. I don't even know if that's a word. It hadn't happened until near the end of high school, but I began to acquire a sort of pride in the fact that I'm a descendant of the Celts. Before I had always just sort of felt mismatched.
I've also felt like writing letters to everyone who bothers me lately... the phrase 'dear you' has been on repeat, re-circulating through my mind constantly. I guess I'm extra testy... too much winter perhaps? Never too much 'winter', or winter's 'horses', but too much grey/gray. Out of everyone who reads this, probably only one person will get that reference. And to that person I say this: that keeper of comb is finally growing on me, I enjoy sleeping with the butterflies.
A lot of the time it's the symbols that get me... well, probably everyone knows that about me already. In my head everything reduces to symbols. I think there's a lot of power in symbols. In the same way there's power in God and the devil, all because people take them as a symbol and attach them to an idea. It gives them power. It's the same with simple things too, like a light switch. A light switch is actually just a piece of plastic, but to people it becomes something that creates light. And in that instant, where the plastic becomes something that creates light, it is empowered and becomes something completely different. Language is also a lot like that.
I really want to learn Korean now, it seems much easier than japanese. It sounds slightly less harsh as well. Less timid. It's quite pretty.
Don't be afraid of death, it's a waste of time. Here's some knowledge for you: "And I began to understand that this case is a distraction sometimes and it tricks us because it can start making us believe that we are old of sprit, not just that the violin case is beat up, but you can begin to believe that the violin has no music to play anymore and that is where you have to go to the tree of knowledge and I tasted my mothers wisdom looking in that mirror." It's from the beekeeper.
Farewell and goodnight.
There you
There you go again
Breaking
Breaking porcelain
Is that all I am
just a Doll you got used to
We’ve done
We’ve done this before
as Mars sauntered through his door
Don’t say it’s time to say
Goodbye to Pisces
Goodbye to Pisces
I am sitting sipping a cup of tea at my dad's, eating spoonfuls of fruit salad. Lately I've been craving damper climates, something like Scotland or New Zealand. I've actually been feeling like I have an ancestry lately. I don't even know if that's a word. It hadn't happened until near the end of high school, but I began to acquire a sort of pride in the fact that I'm a descendant of the Celts. Before I had always just sort of felt mismatched.
I've also felt like writing letters to everyone who bothers me lately... the phrase 'dear you' has been on repeat, re-circulating through my mind constantly. I guess I'm extra testy... too much winter perhaps? Never too much 'winter', or winter's 'horses', but too much grey/gray. Out of everyone who reads this, probably only one person will get that reference. And to that person I say this: that keeper of comb is finally growing on me, I enjoy sleeping with the butterflies.
A lot of the time it's the symbols that get me... well, probably everyone knows that about me already. In my head everything reduces to symbols. I think there's a lot of power in symbols. In the same way there's power in God and the devil, all because people take them as a symbol and attach them to an idea. It gives them power. It's the same with simple things too, like a light switch. A light switch is actually just a piece of plastic, but to people it becomes something that creates light. And in that instant, where the plastic becomes something that creates light, it is empowered and becomes something completely different. Language is also a lot like that.
I really want to learn Korean now, it seems much easier than japanese. It sounds slightly less harsh as well. Less timid. It's quite pretty.
Don't be afraid of death, it's a waste of time. Here's some knowledge for you: "And I began to understand that this case is a distraction sometimes and it tricks us because it can start making us believe that we are old of sprit, not just that the violin case is beat up, but you can begin to believe that the violin has no music to play anymore and that is where you have to go to the tree of knowledge and I tasted my mothers wisdom looking in that mirror." It's from the beekeeper.
Farewell and goodnight.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
faded
I have been thinking a lot over the passed (past?) few days, about lots of different things. Some of the things: (I always think about these things, so if you know me well you probably don't even have to read this line) 'god', existence, androgyny, sexuality ... and I didn't get depressed! It was lunacy. I think I am now capable of 'deep' thought without the side-effects!
And now I don't want to talk about that.
So, I saw the movie Constantine the other day. It wasn't actually that bad. It was one of those rare movies that was good in spite of Keanu.
I have been thinking a lot over the passed (past?) few days, about lots of different things. Some of the things: (I always think about these things, so if you know me well you probably don't even have to read this line) 'god', existence, androgyny, sexuality ... and I didn't get depressed! It was lunacy. I think I am now capable of 'deep' thought without the side-effects!
And now I don't want to talk about that.
So, I saw the movie Constantine the other day. It wasn't actually that bad. It was one of those rare movies that was good in spite of Keanu.
