a lot of life
That's what's been going on. It's been one month to the day since my last post. That's a pretty long time, especially with the pace of life these days. Winter is starting to make me feel a bit more creative again- I think this season always has this effect on me. I always feel like going into dark basements and lighting candles and listening to music or water and just thinking.
I can remember this time last year. Actually I can't. Maybe it was the year before that. I can remember long walks beside the river and being comfortable in my niche in the snow.
I love it when the snow falls in big flakes, when it actually falls, not when it's blown. When it swirls all around and explodes onto the ground.
voices voices silence swells
desire desire your lips quell
taken taken with your smell
whispers whispers in your spell
hush now hush now all is well
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
on the bridge
There's that expression 'water under the bridge', but the other night I was standing on the bridge over the 401 on the walk to the go station and I thought 'what happens when all the water is people in their cars all rushing away'. It was one of those perfect windy nights. And it was also one of those really rare moments where I'm allowed to just ... somehow understand or at least be ok with everything for just a few seconds. I haven't had one of those in a long time so it was awesome.
I can't even describe it really. Just walking and the wind whipping everywhere, my scarf blowing all around my head like some frantic messenger. And then you hit that choral piece of 'undo', the scarf blows in your face, you move it with your hand and the streetlight flicks on, your eyes follow it to the moon in it's cold glow and suddenly you understand 'it's not meant to be a strife'.
Bliss
There's that expression 'water under the bridge', but the other night I was standing on the bridge over the 401 on the walk to the go station and I thought 'what happens when all the water is people in their cars all rushing away'. It was one of those perfect windy nights. And it was also one of those really rare moments where I'm allowed to just ... somehow understand or at least be ok with everything for just a few seconds. I haven't had one of those in a long time so it was awesome.
I can't even describe it really. Just walking and the wind whipping everywhere, my scarf blowing all around my head like some frantic messenger. And then you hit that choral piece of 'undo', the scarf blows in your face, you move it with your hand and the streetlight flicks on, your eyes follow it to the moon in it's cold glow and suddenly you understand 'it's not meant to be a strife'.
Bliss
Friday, November 11, 2005
Updat.e
Hey guys. Sorry about the uh... hiatus. Life's gotten pretty busy lately, and blog time has just kinda slipped through the cracks. So I feel like it's time to get back into it, because I'm also not seeing some of the people who read this often if ever.
At the moment I'm sitting in the living room of my dad's/my new place, cruising the 'net on my laptop with the shiny new wireless internet connection. Um... life here is good. I have a metropass so that gives me access to basically the whole city whenever I feel like it, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I can come and go as I please, so I suppose I'm developing a bit of a night life. Again a combination good/bad thing. Also I have access to a trillion stores and wares that I don't need but crave nevertheless, as well as tantalizing restaurants. Hard on the bank account.
Lately I've been mostly just going to class and coming back home, doing the university kid thing. I've also been enjoying the company of various friends from Uni and am becoming a regular fixture at Konnichiwa, 7 West and Cafe Nervosa. It's actually gotten to the point where none of the waitresses at Konnichiwa speak to me in english anymore because they recognize me and know that I speak japanese. But goddamn they put zaru soba on their new menu and I just can't get enough.
There's also a boy now, and he's establishing himself in my daily routine. I enjoy him immensely, and for the first time in a while I'm feeling really lucky.
Ok, and now I'm gonna go to bed. I'll be in touch ;).
Hey guys. Sorry about the uh... hiatus. Life's gotten pretty busy lately, and blog time has just kinda slipped through the cracks. So I feel like it's time to get back into it, because I'm also not seeing some of the people who read this often if ever.
At the moment I'm sitting in the living room of my dad's/my new place, cruising the 'net on my laptop with the shiny new wireless internet connection. Um... life here is good. I have a metropass so that gives me access to basically the whole city whenever I feel like it, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I can come and go as I please, so I suppose I'm developing a bit of a night life. Again a combination good/bad thing. Also I have access to a trillion stores and wares that I don't need but crave nevertheless, as well as tantalizing restaurants. Hard on the bank account.
Lately I've been mostly just going to class and coming back home, doing the university kid thing. I've also been enjoying the company of various friends from Uni and am becoming a regular fixture at Konnichiwa, 7 West and Cafe Nervosa. It's actually gotten to the point where none of the waitresses at Konnichiwa speak to me in english anymore because they recognize me and know that I speak japanese. But goddamn they put zaru soba on their new menu and I just can't get enough.
There's also a boy now, and he's establishing himself in my daily routine. I enjoy him immensely, and for the first time in a while I'm feeling really lucky.
Ok, and now I'm gonna go to bed. I'll be in touch ;).
Thursday, October 13, 2005
kimi wa
It's sad, but what I think I like perhaps most about living downtown is all the pretty people. Maybe not so much just the pretty people, but I think seeing all the different people is interesting; speculating on where they've come from, what they're doing, what kind of people they are. It's neat, but at the same time overwhelming. It's hard to really imagine how many people are out there, how different and the same all of them are, the chances of ever coming into contact with them - who's to say you haven't passed your soulmate every monday evening for a year and just been one street away from them? Not to make it an issue of finding 'the one' or whatever that shit is, but it's a good example. I want to talk to almost everyone I see, but at the same time I really don't.
Anyway, I'm glad to be settling in, getting into a routine, and looking forward to a part of my life I had never even considered before.
It's sad, but what I think I like perhaps most about living downtown is all the pretty people. Maybe not so much just the pretty people, but I think seeing all the different people is interesting; speculating on where they've come from, what they're doing, what kind of people they are. It's neat, but at the same time overwhelming. It's hard to really imagine how many people are out there, how different and the same all of them are, the chances of ever coming into contact with them - who's to say you haven't passed your soulmate every monday evening for a year and just been one street away from them? Not to make it an issue of finding 'the one' or whatever that shit is, but it's a good example. I want to talk to almost everyone I see, but at the same time I really don't.
Anyway, I'm glad to be settling in, getting into a routine, and looking forward to a part of my life I had never even considered before.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Ca c'est tout
I've been notified that my blogging is slacking, so I figured I'd try to write something tonight.
I'm doing well lately, I've mostly settled into life downtown. It's amazing, without a doubt, but I think I'm going a little overboard in terms of spending. I went out last night, again tonight, it just seems like a little bit but I think it will end up adding up to an unfortunate sum.
I wish I could somehow transcribe my thoughts when I'm in transit... I think those would be the most interesting things to read, but for now you'll have to put up with rambling and accounts of physical happenings.
Last night I went out bag shopping with Allan, and then to a bar with John. I hadn't met John before not-online, so it was cool. I had a good time, due in part to $3 shots at Living Well... that is until the stand-up comedian came on and started talking to us. Which I took as a cue to leave. I wasn't a very good audience anyway. So we trekked over to 7West (thanks shannon), which is, without a doubt, one of my favourite places to just relax and have a conversation. And they have great martinis and coffees! The 7West martini is my favourite that I've ever had- vanilla vodka, a shot of espresso, kahlua and cream. I found out that he's a classical pianist, as well as a tennis and track player, which I found very interesting. All in all it was a good night.
That's all for now I think, but I will be trying to post more often in the future.
I've been notified that my blogging is slacking, so I figured I'd try to write something tonight.
I'm doing well lately, I've mostly settled into life downtown. It's amazing, without a doubt, but I think I'm going a little overboard in terms of spending. I went out last night, again tonight, it just seems like a little bit but I think it will end up adding up to an unfortunate sum.
I wish I could somehow transcribe my thoughts when I'm in transit... I think those would be the most interesting things to read, but for now you'll have to put up with rambling and accounts of physical happenings.
Last night I went out bag shopping with Allan, and then to a bar with John. I hadn't met John before not-online, so it was cool. I had a good time, due in part to $3 shots at Living Well... that is until the stand-up comedian came on and started talking to us. Which I took as a cue to leave. I wasn't a very good audience anyway. So we trekked over to 7West (thanks shannon), which is, without a doubt, one of my favourite places to just relax and have a conversation. And they have great martinis and coffees! The 7West martini is my favourite that I've ever had- vanilla vodka, a shot of espresso, kahlua and cream. I found out that he's a classical pianist, as well as a tennis and track player, which I found very interesting. All in all it was a good night.
That's all for now I think, but I will be trying to post more often in the future.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
A moment
I was on the way home today on the train, and I felt creative so I decided to try to write down a basic idea of my thoughts for the ride home. Obviously pen does not move as quickly as brain, so I only caught a few thoughts, but here they are anyway.
The train passes and again the world outside the circle under the lamp is swallowed by shadow. Some dirt on my fingers, retreating just at the base of the tip. From the door perhaps? It doesn't matter. I pay special attention to the sound of the fingers sliding on frets... his hands will probably smell like metal afterward. I want new shoes but I don't think I should be spending the money. The bell on the train is ringing. My mind reaches out again to the ears of those who can hear it. I can see the lines in her face, his lecherous intentions... The station comes and now the bells and violins have taken me to my ancestral home in the heills of Ireland, I am running to ma, her shawl brushes my face in the wind, and she is gone. The light here is flickering two seats away. 'Next station stop Eglinton'. I wonder how you are. An imaginary conversation runs through my head. Years have passed. You are engaged, I tell you about my boyfriends, the girls who have broken my heart. I've decided to write something. I thought you hated coffee. I can tell by the curl of the corners of your lips that you're disappointed. That's why it never worked, you know, I could never take your judgement. My pocket is vibrating. Answer it. Allan asks if I made it to the train ok. It was sweet of him to call. It's nice to be reminded that someone cares, even if it is small. Bonnie Pink sings about the sun falling into the sea, her words japanese. It's interesting to think what this language means to me. futatsu ga hitotsu ni naru toki. She's interrupting my creative flow and I start to lose the wave I've been riding. Change. 'Intuition' enters my ears and I wonder how you're doing. I imagine what he looks like, I never get far doing this. I wonder why he is good enough, if he really makes you happy. I hate you sometimes you know. Why does it seem like I have memories of the future? I have to get off here. The man at the door reminds me of the man my mother has married. He is short, balding, and I have a hard time imagining how someone like him is with a woman like her. The bitch cuts me off. They linger, kissing. Lover's spit replaces intuition. It fits. She smells like cheap perfume, and I am NOT jealous. The boy in front of me has hair that is too long. The rain feels nice on my face. I don't like the rain sometimes because it makes me look like shit. I'm relieved to see that me, the only me that matters, I still enjoy it. I imagine the judgements people who see this will pass. I don't care. He would be pretty if he was a girl. It doesn't work for a guy though. That's the problem with being attracted to androgyny, it's all very degree based. There are no set rules to what is and what is not attractive. My time in the station is short, there are only about four people in the car I am on. It is yellow in here. I want to leave. The man is staring at me and the boy taps his foot. I exit. Upstairs a man asks me if I want a taxi. If I wanted a taxi, sir, I would walk out the doors to your parked taxi, open the door, and tell you where I wanted to go. The rain is falling harder now. A car is coming towards me, the light shines on the road, through the puddles and lines. The raindrops make it look for a second like the milky way, each drop a star exploding life. Or perhaps a scene from world war two. Or jackson pollock is throwing another hundred thousand dollar dob of paint onto a canvas. What is he feeling that makes him do this? The men stare at me as I round the corner. The air behind them smells like fabric softener. It is a good bet that if you smell like fabric softener, your cologne was not worth it and you should not be staring at other people like there is something wrong with *them*. The keyboard effects on this song bring me to a time when I was eight years old, wrapped in blankets sitting on a couch in a basement. I am eating rice, like I always do when I watch my neighbour totoro, because somehow it makes the adventures more real, closer. Stepping into the door, my dad says 'the umbrella is there' and points beside the door. It is not funny. I am home.
I was on the way home today on the train, and I felt creative so I decided to try to write down a basic idea of my thoughts for the ride home. Obviously pen does not move as quickly as brain, so I only caught a few thoughts, but here they are anyway.
The train passes and again the world outside the circle under the lamp is swallowed by shadow. Some dirt on my fingers, retreating just at the base of the tip. From the door perhaps? It doesn't matter. I pay special attention to the sound of the fingers sliding on frets... his hands will probably smell like metal afterward. I want new shoes but I don't think I should be spending the money. The bell on the train is ringing. My mind reaches out again to the ears of those who can hear it. I can see the lines in her face, his lecherous intentions... The station comes and now the bells and violins have taken me to my ancestral home in the heills of Ireland, I am running to ma, her shawl brushes my face in the wind, and she is gone. The light here is flickering two seats away. 'Next station stop Eglinton'. I wonder how you are. An imaginary conversation runs through my head. Years have passed. You are engaged, I tell you about my boyfriends, the girls who have broken my heart. I've decided to write something. I thought you hated coffee. I can tell by the curl of the corners of your lips that you're disappointed. That's why it never worked, you know, I could never take your judgement. My pocket is vibrating. Answer it. Allan asks if I made it to the train ok. It was sweet of him to call. It's nice to be reminded that someone cares, even if it is small. Bonnie Pink sings about the sun falling into the sea, her words japanese. It's interesting to think what this language means to me. futatsu ga hitotsu ni naru toki. She's interrupting my creative flow and I start to lose the wave I've been riding. Change. 'Intuition' enters my ears and I wonder how you're doing. I imagine what he looks like, I never get far doing this. I wonder why he is good enough, if he really makes you happy. I hate you sometimes you know. Why does it seem like I have memories of the future? I have to get off here. The man at the door reminds me of the man my mother has married. He is short, balding, and I have a hard time imagining how someone like him is with a woman like her. The bitch cuts me off. They linger, kissing. Lover's spit replaces intuition. It fits. She smells like cheap perfume, and I am NOT jealous. The boy in front of me has hair that is too long. The rain feels nice on my face. I don't like the rain sometimes because it makes me look like shit. I'm relieved to see that me, the only me that matters, I still enjoy it. I imagine the judgements people who see this will pass. I don't care. He would be pretty if he was a girl. It doesn't work for a guy though. That's the problem with being attracted to androgyny, it's all very degree based. There are no set rules to what is and what is not attractive. My time in the station is short, there are only about four people in the car I am on. It is yellow in here. I want to leave. The man is staring at me and the boy taps his foot. I exit. Upstairs a man asks me if I want a taxi. If I wanted a taxi, sir, I would walk out the doors to your parked taxi, open the door, and tell you where I wanted to go. The rain is falling harder now. A car is coming towards me, the light shines on the road, through the puddles and lines. The raindrops make it look for a second like the milky way, each drop a star exploding life. Or perhaps a scene from world war two. Or jackson pollock is throwing another hundred thousand dollar dob of paint onto a canvas. What is he feeling that makes him do this? The men stare at me as I round the corner. The air behind them smells like fabric softener. It is a good bet that if you smell like fabric softener, your cologne was not worth it and you should not be staring at other people like there is something wrong with *them*. The keyboard effects on this song bring me to a time when I was eight years old, wrapped in blankets sitting on a couch in a basement. I am eating rice, like I always do when I watch my neighbour totoro, because somehow it makes the adventures more real, closer. Stepping into the door, my dad says 'the umbrella is there' and points beside the door. It is not funny. I am home.
Monday, September 05, 2005
i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down
when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything
have you forgotten how to love yourself?
i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway
when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes
have you forgotten how to love yourself?
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down
when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything
have you forgotten how to love yourself?
i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway
when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes
have you forgotten how to love yourself?
Saturday, September 03, 2005
what's black is white
The story of my japanese & korean language course interviews:
I left the house at about 9 to head downtown for the interviews at Robarts Library. I arrive at around 11. Korean interviews are being held from 9:30 to 11:30, so I get in line. I fill out the 'about me' form as the sign says. Everyone is Asian. I get to the 'interview' twenty minutes later, which turns out to actually be the professor telling everyone the class is full and that students will be drawn lottery-style to get in. Which is, of course, Utter. Bullshit. Some people NEED this course to get their major... and it is not really being offered? Only sort-of, and without any real background checks to make sure that the people trying to enroll in the course are not, in fact, korean themselves? Anywaaaay... after that it was into the line for japanese. There were approximately thirty people in front of me in a line up down the hallway. I was there half an hour early. THREE HOURS LATER I finally get my turn to be interviewed. The professor , komuro-lee san, was really nice, and we started to talk in japanese about how I wasn't sure which course I should be enrolling in. So she gave me a 17 page test to do, which I completed over the course of two hours. I was FAMISHED after... and ate a lot of food. But I got into second year japanese.
END
Today was a pretty good day at work, very uneventful. Nicole, Allan, Gillian and I all ordered thai food and ate it in the back. It was yummy, but also I owe nicole for it still, which is unfortunate. Also me and allan had a tiff in the back, which was kind of amusing. Also I got to actually work with Gillian, which was great because I haven't done so in about two months.
Enough about work.
I'm feeling reasonably good lately. I'm looking forward to fall, and to getting back into learning, although I resent the hefty price tag attached to it. I got my ear pierced again, and I plan on getting the cartilage pierced on my left ear soon. I need to change my hair somehow, I'm considering cutting it all short and dying it something bright. I am moving into my dad's house mostly this weekend. It's nerve-racking in that this might just be the last move out of my mom's house. As in, no more living with mom, period. Which is a much more frightening thought than I had originally imagined. My mom is one of my best friends. Also this means growing up, not a joke. Since when is that not a joke? Where'd the pause button go?
Anyway, I'm just about out of ideas and wishing someone was online to talk to. Goodnight folks, I probably love you.
The story of my japanese & korean language course interviews:
I left the house at about 9 to head downtown for the interviews at Robarts Library. I arrive at around 11. Korean interviews are being held from 9:30 to 11:30, so I get in line. I fill out the 'about me' form as the sign says. Everyone is Asian. I get to the 'interview' twenty minutes later, which turns out to actually be the professor telling everyone the class is full and that students will be drawn lottery-style to get in. Which is, of course, Utter. Bullshit. Some people NEED this course to get their major... and it is not really being offered? Only sort-of, and without any real background checks to make sure that the people trying to enroll in the course are not, in fact, korean themselves? Anywaaaay... after that it was into the line for japanese. There were approximately thirty people in front of me in a line up down the hallway. I was there half an hour early. THREE HOURS LATER I finally get my turn to be interviewed. The professor , komuro-lee san, was really nice, and we started to talk in japanese about how I wasn't sure which course I should be enrolling in. So she gave me a 17 page test to do, which I completed over the course of two hours. I was FAMISHED after... and ate a lot of food. But I got into second year japanese.
END
Today was a pretty good day at work, very uneventful. Nicole, Allan, Gillian and I all ordered thai food and ate it in the back. It was yummy, but also I owe nicole for it still, which is unfortunate. Also me and allan had a tiff in the back, which was kind of amusing. Also I got to actually work with Gillian, which was great because I haven't done so in about two months.
Enough about work.
I'm feeling reasonably good lately. I'm looking forward to fall, and to getting back into learning, although I resent the hefty price tag attached to it. I got my ear pierced again, and I plan on getting the cartilage pierced on my left ear soon. I need to change my hair somehow, I'm considering cutting it all short and dying it something bright. I am moving into my dad's house mostly this weekend. It's nerve-racking in that this might just be the last move out of my mom's house. As in, no more living with mom, period. Which is a much more frightening thought than I had originally imagined. My mom is one of my best friends. Also this means growing up, not a joke. Since when is that not a joke? Where'd the pause button go?
Anyway, I'm just about out of ideas and wishing someone was online to talk to. Goodnight folks, I probably love you.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
truant
Alright, fuck emo. This is stupid and adolescent and I'm not into it. I do this every time, I'm not sure why exactly as yet, but whenever there is a period of big change in my life I disconnect from people and sort-of isolate myself. It's frustrating in the extreme and completely nonsensical, so I have decided to make a conscious effort against it.
I'm looking forward to starting uni, mostly just for the language studies. I NEED to start studying japanese again, and learning either korean or chinese. It's gonna be such a pain in the ass but I think it'll also be so much fun.
My interviews are tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Alright, fuck emo. This is stupid and adolescent and I'm not into it. I do this every time, I'm not sure why exactly as yet, but whenever there is a period of big change in my life I disconnect from people and sort-of isolate myself. It's frustrating in the extreme and completely nonsensical, so I have decided to make a conscious effort against it.
I'm looking forward to starting uni, mostly just for the language studies. I NEED to start studying japanese again, and learning either korean or chinese. It's gonna be such a pain in the ass but I think it'll also be so much fun.
My interviews are tomorrow. Wish me luck!
"It seems to be my fancy to make it with Frank and Nancy"
Which Strange Little Girl would you be?
This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.
You're the sort of person who's not afraid to try new things. In life, you enjoy being loved and the chase of love. You may have difficulties remaining in a solid relationship, because once settled, the chase is gone. In your life, you work hard and are serious and determined. But all work and no play makes you very very angry. Despite your belief that you are always in control, you actually are controlled by the object of your current lust, and will do anything to maintain your dance of chase and be chased.
"I'll come running to you now, baby if you want me"
Whats Left to See
I am emo lately. I do not know the reasons why. I speculate a combination of hormones, neediness, high-stress situations a la university and stupid sappy shit that I don't even want to get into here. But lately the soundtrack has consisted of: Xiu Xiu, Blonde Redhead, Feist (monarch), angry Gackt, occasional death cab and Red House Painters. What does this mean? Angst. And I hate it. I don't even know what this is and it bugs the hell out of me. I feel somehow distant from everyone.
I am emo lately. I do not know the reasons why. I speculate a combination of hormones, neediness, high-stress situations a la university and stupid sappy shit that I don't even want to get into here. But lately the soundtrack has consisted of: Xiu Xiu, Blonde Redhead, Feist (monarch), angry Gackt, occasional death cab and Red House Painters. What does this mean? Angst. And I hate it. I don't even know what this is and it bugs the hell out of me. I feel somehow distant from everyone.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
the drifts and dunes
So the day after that I did basically the same thing -> nothing at all. I sat around and just thought all day. But yesterday I went downtown with nicole after work. It was Jenny's last shift with me, which makes me sad, but we had fun. And I managed to drop of this check thing, which was also good. It was in the middle of bumbfuck nowhere, Mississauga though. Quite the hike. Afterwards we went shopping and I bought a new shirt and winter jacket. So I'm pleased with that. Now I have to head out to work but I may blog after.
So the day after that I did basically the same thing -> nothing at all. I sat around and just thought all day. But yesterday I went downtown with nicole after work. It was Jenny's last shift with me, which makes me sad, but we had fun. And I managed to drop of this check thing, which was also good. It was in the middle of bumbfuck nowhere, Mississauga though. Quite the hike. Afterwards we went shopping and I bought a new shirt and winter jacket. So I'm pleased with that. Now I have to head out to work but I may blog after.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
once like me
I did almost nothing today. I didn't get out of bed until around 12... I didn't really feel like getting up. And when I did I didn't really do anything. Came upstairs, went online. Chatted for a while, downloaded pictures of hot actors male and female. I guess I did manage to get all of Feist's Monarch album. That alone makes the day worthwhile.
I spent a lot of time playing with bronwyn today too. I didn't even really think until today that my moving out will mean me missing out on a lot of her growing up again. I also hadn't considered the fact that I may never move back in. I think that that's exciting. Lately I've been wanting a place of my own more than anything else. I won't be getting that for a while I'm sure, but I guess this is like a step in that direction. I had another dream last night about waking up in a big bed with someone else there. For some reason I associate feelings like that - of companionship, surrender, love, interdependence, with the colour yellow. So all of my dreams that involve those themes are in yellow tones or somehow involve the colour yellow. I think it's the only colour association that I have.
Sometimes I wish there was a 'disarm' button on people... like a secret handshake or a password or something that would make everyone just drop all their walls and skip the shit. I know that's hard... people love their shit... but how awesome would it be if you could just cut through it altogether every now and then? Just two people... connecting without any of their hangups dangling in the rear-view mirror.
I did almost nothing today. I didn't get out of bed until around 12... I didn't really feel like getting up. And when I did I didn't really do anything. Came upstairs, went online. Chatted for a while, downloaded pictures of hot actors male and female. I guess I did manage to get all of Feist's Monarch album. That alone makes the day worthwhile.
I spent a lot of time playing with bronwyn today too. I didn't even really think until today that my moving out will mean me missing out on a lot of her growing up again. I also hadn't considered the fact that I may never move back in. I think that that's exciting. Lately I've been wanting a place of my own more than anything else. I won't be getting that for a while I'm sure, but I guess this is like a step in that direction. I had another dream last night about waking up in a big bed with someone else there. For some reason I associate feelings like that - of companionship, surrender, love, interdependence, with the colour yellow. So all of my dreams that involve those themes are in yellow tones or somehow involve the colour yellow. I think it's the only colour association that I have.
Sometimes I wish there was a 'disarm' button on people... like a secret handshake or a password or something that would make everyone just drop all their walls and skip the shit. I know that's hard... people love their shit... but how awesome would it be if you could just cut through it altogether every now and then? Just two people... connecting without any of their hangups dangling in the rear-view mirror.
Monday, August 22, 2005
raiser
It feels retarded, I want you to like me
Will you be there tonight?
Do you mean it when you say what you say?
Fixing up my hair,
I want to impress you
Today and everyday,
Okay, okay okay, okay
So what do you want?
I want to be careless too
So much waiting, so much sitting alone
When you say what you say,
It's not what I thought, it's really nothing at all
I'm not who you want,
Alright, alright alright, alright
Bunny gamer, stand up, bunny gamer, Where have you been all of my life?
Bunny gamer, take me with you,
Okay, okay okay, okay
Bunny gamer, sit down, bunny gamer,
Where have you been all night?
Bunny gamer, leave me alone,
Alright, alright alright, alright
I don't think I can recall having ever liked xiu xiu this much. It's not even that anything he's written has become especially relevant to me, it's just like all of a sudden I like it a lot more... for no real reason. I've gotten all into posting song lyrics again lately too. I have noticed that. I guess I'm feeling wordy again.
My sweetly torn religion, how does it feel?
I had a good night last night, went downtown with Johan'n'Allan. The bar was packed, and hot, and I hate sweat, but I still had a good time. There was a strange blackout that was unexplained and otherwise unmentioned. It made for amusing times. I enjoyed the just sitting and talking the most, as usual.
This is dissolving rapidly into a series of lines. It's amusing how little sense thoughts make if you consider them each uniquely and without regard of the preceeding and following thoughts. It's like seeing something at a molecular level. What would a post be like if I just wrote all my thoughts as they came? Well... as many as I could and as often as I could. It wouldn't make any sense to anyone but me I don't think.
What a rambler.
It feels retarded, I want you to like me
Will you be there tonight?
Do you mean it when you say what you say?
Fixing up my hair,
I want to impress you
Today and everyday,
Okay, okay okay, okay
So what do you want?
I want to be careless too
So much waiting, so much sitting alone
When you say what you say,
It's not what I thought, it's really nothing at all
I'm not who you want,
Alright, alright alright, alright
Bunny gamer, stand up, bunny gamer, Where have you been all of my life?
Bunny gamer, take me with you,
Okay, okay okay, okay
Bunny gamer, sit down, bunny gamer,
Where have you been all night?
Bunny gamer, leave me alone,
Alright, alright alright, alright
I don't think I can recall having ever liked xiu xiu this much. It's not even that anything he's written has become especially relevant to me, it's just like all of a sudden I like it a lot more... for no real reason. I've gotten all into posting song lyrics again lately too. I have noticed that. I guess I'm feeling wordy again.
My sweetly torn religion, how does it feel?
I had a good night last night, went downtown with Johan'n'Allan. The bar was packed, and hot, and I hate sweat, but I still had a good time. There was a strange blackout that was unexplained and otherwise unmentioned. It made for amusing times. I enjoyed the just sitting and talking the most, as usual.
This is dissolving rapidly into a series of lines. It's amusing how little sense thoughts make if you consider them each uniquely and without regard of the preceeding and following thoughts. It's like seeing something at a molecular level. What would a post be like if I just wrote all my thoughts as they came? Well... as many as I could and as often as I could. It wouldn't make any sense to anyone but me I don't think.
What a rambler.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
but silence is golden
What the fug? I dunno about this blog being randomly linked to stuff. It's just not good news. I sometimes wonder how many people actually read this, and who they are and what they do. And now 'heart' came on my limewire. And I don't feel any of the things I felt a second a go.
It's really amazing/sickening how music does that to you. What's with everyone watching TV? There are so many better things to do. Also sleep is such a monumental waste of time. How much of your life is sleep? Like one third? And it's only ever really fun when you do it long enough to get your deep sleep cycles nice and long so you can have those involved dreams. And even those are sometimes unpleasant to the point where you never want to close your eyes again. For some reason my more recent ones keep taking place in this location known as 'korea' that is definitely not earth korea, and involve a lot of airplanes flying from island to island all strangely. Also I may be destined to be a private investigator.
Today was such a strange day. There was this epic storm with all this cartoon-style lightning. Also I was left alone in the store for like half an hour AGAIN. It's like whenever it rains it's necessary to leave me alone in the store. Especially if the power is going on and off and there are irritating/strange foreign people saying strange things about counting on my fingers. A line up is also a plus. Also the milk fridge should be empty and I should have to do pre-close stuff. Death anyone?
Everyone's offline. Why do I wake up so much late at night? I think the clearest at around 2AM, I postulate. And there is never anyone to hear my brilliant thoughts or marvel at my dazzling wit. Yeah, I know, shut up. I wonder if I ever actually get lonely... I know I feel alone sometimes, but I don't know if that's every coupled with a real desire to be with someone. Sometimes I think that the only time I want to be with someone (not a specific someone, just having a person there) is when I want them to distract me from thoughts or entertain me or validate my fears. And now mayonaise (acoustic). Ok, maybe I can feel lonely. At the order of a song.
My mom disappointed me the week before last. I've never been disappointed by her before. Irritated maybe, irrationally hurt, but never genuinely disappointed. It's like finding out that spiderman is really just this nerdy kid named peter parker.
Also: I fucking hate homophobes.
There's something strangely comforting in the emptiness of my bed when I go to sleep at night. I mean... I know you're supposed to biologically long for companionship and sex and blah blah blah, and I get that sometimes too, but just there being me... maybe it's just familiarity? I guess familiarity is the father of comfort really so perhaps that's just sensible.
I appreciate blankets.
This window keeps refreshing itself. I don't know why. I don't think it's ever done that before.
Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without love
No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without love
Music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger breakdown and cry...
The saxophone in this song kills me. She'll be opening for tori on the 27th. I'm praying she'll sing this song even though it's not really one of her solo acts. I sometimes wish I'd have reoccuring dreams...
I need to go to bed soon or I won't be able to sleep. But Red House Painters is on... and listening to them is almost like sleeping.
some escape some door to open
this path seems the blackest but i
guess it's the soonest
but there in the clearing i
know you'll be wearing
your young aching smile and
waving your hand
Goodnight
What the fug? I dunno about this blog being randomly linked to stuff. It's just not good news. I sometimes wonder how many people actually read this, and who they are and what they do. And now 'heart' came on my limewire. And I don't feel any of the things I felt a second a go.
It's really amazing/sickening how music does that to you. What's with everyone watching TV? There are so many better things to do. Also sleep is such a monumental waste of time. How much of your life is sleep? Like one third? And it's only ever really fun when you do it long enough to get your deep sleep cycles nice and long so you can have those involved dreams. And even those are sometimes unpleasant to the point where you never want to close your eyes again. For some reason my more recent ones keep taking place in this location known as 'korea' that is definitely not earth korea, and involve a lot of airplanes flying from island to island all strangely. Also I may be destined to be a private investigator.
Today was such a strange day. There was this epic storm with all this cartoon-style lightning. Also I was left alone in the store for like half an hour AGAIN. It's like whenever it rains it's necessary to leave me alone in the store. Especially if the power is going on and off and there are irritating/strange foreign people saying strange things about counting on my fingers. A line up is also a plus. Also the milk fridge should be empty and I should have to do pre-close stuff. Death anyone?
Everyone's offline. Why do I wake up so much late at night? I think the clearest at around 2AM, I postulate. And there is never anyone to hear my brilliant thoughts or marvel at my dazzling wit. Yeah, I know, shut up. I wonder if I ever actually get lonely... I know I feel alone sometimes, but I don't know if that's every coupled with a real desire to be with someone. Sometimes I think that the only time I want to be with someone (not a specific someone, just having a person there) is when I want them to distract me from thoughts or entertain me or validate my fears. And now mayonaise (acoustic). Ok, maybe I can feel lonely. At the order of a song.
My mom disappointed me the week before last. I've never been disappointed by her before. Irritated maybe, irrationally hurt, but never genuinely disappointed. It's like finding out that spiderman is really just this nerdy kid named peter parker.
Also: I fucking hate homophobes.
There's something strangely comforting in the emptiness of my bed when I go to sleep at night. I mean... I know you're supposed to biologically long for companionship and sex and blah blah blah, and I get that sometimes too, but just there being me... maybe it's just familiarity? I guess familiarity is the father of comfort really so perhaps that's just sensible.
I appreciate blankets.
This window keeps refreshing itself. I don't know why. I don't think it's ever done that before.
Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without love
No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without love
Music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger breakdown and cry...
The saxophone in this song kills me. She'll be opening for tori on the 27th. I'm praying she'll sing this song even though it's not really one of her solo acts. I sometimes wish I'd have reoccuring dreams...
I need to go to bed soon or I won't be able to sleep. But Red House Painters is on... and listening to them is almost like sleeping.
some escape some door to open
this path seems the blackest but i
guess it's the soonest
but there in the clearing i
know you'll be wearing
your young aching smile and
waving your hand
Goodnight
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Never Fever
I may not know which way is up sometimes, but at least I'm usually happy. Even if a bit delirious. Delirium never hurt anyone, right? Maybe we should have named me Laika. Oh, another reference. I'm beginning to think that half my conversations are just song references. Maybe my life is made up of song references.
****************************************************************************
I had two really nice days with him. The first was the gorgeous day downtown. Well, first we sat by the lake for a bit and just talked about random stuff. It was really nice and disarming. Then we left and headed downtown, listening to music in the car on the way. I played some random stuff for him, like the garden state soundtrack and a bit of stars and rufus wainwright. The day was gorgeous, not overwhelmingly hot. We parked on queen west and walked to fresh. The food was delicious, very good veggie fare and conversation. Then we walked to kaban... which I think is some sort of a gay Mecca... And we looked at sofas for his new condo. I only like couches that are comfortable to sleep on. I told him no leather couches. He pushed me into a pile of jeans... which turned out to be seven brand. Very expensive. So I piled them back up and we went on our way. We ended up stopping at that little park outside the courthouse near nathan phillips. We sat on the stairs and continued to talk. There was a lot of eye contact, and he didn't break it. A crazy man approached us, he ignored him while I talked to him. The man told me a story about how he had not given mike the money for the drugs I had bought from him, I forgave him, he thanked me profusely, and then remembered that actually mike had died a while back. He cut his own face off with a knife. And then the man left with a smile. He looked at me and laughed. I asked him what. He said he was impressed. Most people would have ignored him or walked away. I didn't really see what he was impressed about, but he smiled anyway. We sat there for four hours. I still don't understand where the time went. He drove me home and I played the feist cd. We went to a park. I got out of the car and said goodbye.
*********************************************************
I'm tired now. goodnight kids.
I may not know which way is up sometimes, but at least I'm usually happy. Even if a bit delirious. Delirium never hurt anyone, right? Maybe we should have named me Laika. Oh, another reference. I'm beginning to think that half my conversations are just song references. Maybe my life is made up of song references.
****************************************************************************
I had two really nice days with him. The first was the gorgeous day downtown. Well, first we sat by the lake for a bit and just talked about random stuff. It was really nice and disarming. Then we left and headed downtown, listening to music in the car on the way. I played some random stuff for him, like the garden state soundtrack and a bit of stars and rufus wainwright. The day was gorgeous, not overwhelmingly hot. We parked on queen west and walked to fresh. The food was delicious, very good veggie fare and conversation. Then we walked to kaban... which I think is some sort of a gay Mecca... And we looked at sofas for his new condo. I only like couches that are comfortable to sleep on. I told him no leather couches. He pushed me into a pile of jeans... which turned out to be seven brand. Very expensive. So I piled them back up and we went on our way. We ended up stopping at that little park outside the courthouse near nathan phillips. We sat on the stairs and continued to talk. There was a lot of eye contact, and he didn't break it. A crazy man approached us, he ignored him while I talked to him. The man told me a story about how he had not given mike the money for the drugs I had bought from him, I forgave him, he thanked me profusely, and then remembered that actually mike had died a while back. He cut his own face off with a knife. And then the man left with a smile. He looked at me and laughed. I asked him what. He said he was impressed. Most people would have ignored him or walked away. I didn't really see what he was impressed about, but he smiled anyway. We sat there for four hours. I still don't understand where the time went. He drove me home and I played the feist cd. We went to a park. I got out of the car and said goodbye.
*********************************************************
I'm tired now. goodnight kids.
