meets the back, the back and beyond.

it's four AM and I can't sleep. i'm not even completely sure that i want to. i wish that i was standing knee-deep in the lake and that my hair was blue. the snow is around me and it is taking me home.

haha, it's the ether.

soko ni aru shinda karada wa maru de suteyoyo

itami wa me wo kuchau gurai takaku nattekita kara

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa8*****

I just deleted a junkmail at my g-mail that said 'and in the end death and punishment will come to the blasphemers'. Those kids who circulate spyware are getting so creative these days.

I threw up 16 times. 16 times in less than twelve hours. I started feeling sick at about 9:30 am and started actually vomiting at 10. I waited in line at the walk-in clinic for three hours. I was sick four times while I waited. I have never been so sick in my life. And today I feel fine. Go figure.

Your nimble feet make prints in my sand

I GO HUMBLE

I go humble
you're so curiously pure
only before you I'm humble

I go humble
you amaze me
only before you I'm humble

I should be arrested
for my emotional stunts
only before you I'm humble

I'm queen of provocation
I wake people up
only before you I'm humble

I go humble
I adore you
only before you I'm humble

I should be arrested
for my emotional stunts
only before you I'm humble

What's with all this about searching for truth. You can't even find your reflection in the pool. And she says and she says that she's ready for her for her task but I'm not so sure. You can you can write a thousand pages on the corner of your smile but you but you can't, no, put your finger on it. You'll separate the world before you before you even get out of bed. But you you just might you just might you just might

My dream was about a castle made of ice and aurora. We scaled the walls with picks and warm boots, and our coats were the colour of christmas. You told me of the snowflake on my eyelash, and I wanted to hold it and behold it and to examine it's structure for just a second, but my impatient breath took it away from me. It looked like a teardrop on the corner of my fingernail. When we had come to an aquamarine-coloured plateau, we laid down and rested on the warmest blanket. My breath turned to snow on the wind and blew down onto the valley below. So this is where snow comes from I thought on that platform thousands of feet up. The moon had moved halway across the sky when we started to climb again, inchworms back up the trunk of a tree. Now, were we going or were we returning? I wasn't altogether certain. The ice chipped around the pick, melting from the warmth of my body. I found, to my delight, that it dissolved into hot cocoa, spicy and warm in the way of chai tea with warm milk, not sweet but satisfying.

I want to watch some Grey's Anatomy, but I have to watch Dr.Strangelove for International Relations and try to catch up on some reading. Tomorrow is the Santa Claus Parade and I want to go with my sister and watch her watch it. That way it's more fun. I hope that this is the desire for my sister's happiness and not that decayed abhorrent lust for things youthful that seems to seep into and claim people as they age. I want nothing clouding her skyscape.

Mom called and told me she wanted to watch little women. It's funny how lame it sounds, but it's like re-living a sliver of life from that small house in the country, when the world was so much bigger. Now I can zoom in on that house from a satellite in space. Hmm.

random thought

If I were a pothead, I would be really really fat.

Into the Blue Again
The Album Leaf were really good live, I wasn't really surprised. They have their own brand of minimalist saturation that just draws you in whether you're normally into electronic music or not. They played stuff pretty much exclusively off the new album, which was a bit disappointing because I'm really more of a fan of the earlier stuff, before there were a bunch of instruments and it was more of just a guy and a guitar. This of course being the 'guy and a guitar' that existed before last year or whenever it was that all those crappy sappy poppy guy-and-a-guitar acts a la John Mayer sprang out of the woodwork. Also I liked them better before he started singing. That being said, the actual sound was articulated masterfully, and they also adopted the projection show aspect of the more recent Sigur Ros tours, and synthesized them to make a sort-of multimedia presentation that made me forget that I was standing in Lee's Palace for a bit. And I bought a track suit jacket, mostly due to the fact that I love their logo. Anyway, that's all for now.

I found this nice little nook on a window ledged on the forteenth floor of Robart's. It faces southwest along Harbord, and I can see spotlights circling South. I can see down into the windows of the Athletic Centre, the Jewish Students Centre, and the Centre for Graduate Studies. The movement of the people is so stylized from up here. I think the people in the athletic centre are doing gymnastics, and on another floor basketball. I can see that it's raining down on the street. I didn't bring an umbrella. I don't own an umbrella. Today is one of those days where circumstances have been trying to pull me down, but it's almost as though they just don't fit in a way that engages me enough for me to be affected by them. I like the way the light moves in the reflection of a puddle forteen floors down. It's just like a star sparkling. Whenever I'm at any height by a window, I feel this sensation of being pulled forward. Like I'm being pulled by my core, or something's hooked onto me and pulling down. I kind of envision the air all moving around me, and my stomach goes all wonky. It's not as bad as the vertigo I had when I was younger though; then I saw everything falling down, especially the building or object I was standing on. I've always liked the japanese word Rakka, meaning a fall. The word itself rolls off the tongue so nicely. Wouldn't the sensation of falling into your body from space be fascinating? Like landing.

I want to be in Okinawa right now.

Red Right Ankle

What is blogger beta? That's confusing.... blogger's so hardcore now. I remember back in the day when there wasn't even that aweful banner thing at the top. I should be doing japanese homework right now, after all that's why I got up early. But I've been studying for a while and so am now bored.

********** The Day Later *****************************************



I'm on such a Patrick Wolf blitz. I need moooooore. Hahhaa. I wish the new album would come out. But alas, I must wait for new feist and new patrick and new bjork. I just hope this winter doesn't go too slowly. Or too quickly for that matter. I don't want school to drag the whole world down into all that slushy grey snow, but at the same time I want to enjoy that filtered light and extensive shadow a bit.



Things I love about winter:
- the slowing down of my pulse
- long shadows
- snowflakes melting on my face
- white hot chocolate
- the way sound seems to echo, or is isolated but at the same time intensified by atmosphere
- wool, scarves and long coats

I remember long walks in the winter, in Sapporo, in Maryland, and even in the river valley in Whitby. I remember fantasizing about disappearing, about meeting forest spirits, about coming upon an ethereal village that was somehow out of time and reality. There are elements that exist in winter that have a way of removing you from reality, whether it's the cold making your body numb, or the whiteness that covers everything from sight in a fresh snow. Some of the same other-worldly elements are present in fall, but I think in some ways they're intensified in winter, even if only because the coldness tends to drive more people indoors. Which is part of what makes it so nice for walks.

The other day I was walking along Yonge, heading to Bloor station to take the train over and hand in an essay, and I just watched this wall of snow sweep straight across Bloor in this insane gust of wind. My ipod was on shuffle, and just as the wind started, the bells and such on Jeremy Enigk's A New Beginning kicked in. It was quite fitting, and created another of those perfect sense-memories tied to songs that I occasionally incur.

All things considered, I'm looking forward to winter. I want a winter jacket and for Allison to finish making that shirt she started for me for last christmas. I need to start Christmas shopping.

You are my sweetest downfall,
I loved you first,
I loved you first

A postcard posted on Post Secret has possibly given me a small fear of spiders. Specifically Hobo Spiders, and preferrably not in my blanket. I should be returning to my blanket shortly, as I'm quite tired. I hope the sun will come out sometime soon, or at least that it will start really raining and cease this ridiculous kosame rain crap. Rian just showed me a Patrick Wolf photo shoot that I really like... too bad the big photos are all watermarked.



I should be much more tired than I actually am. As a matter of fact, I should be writing essays and reading articles and studying for japanese or cinema, but I never was a fan. This blog is sort of starting to become a picture blog, largely due to the fact that I have not a creative bone in me. A person on my msn list just asked me if that photo was of me. This amuses me no end.

Why do we have to be different? Why can't we just be ourselves?

Underworld

It's the gate, it's the gate in which the dreams enter
Underworld, Underworld, E from.
That's where you fall, S
Underworld, I
That's where you R

Lately life has been filled with much sleep and much rain. I'm very excited for the new Patrick Wolf CD, and at this point don't even hate his hair. Maybe it's the glitter that makes it work, I'm not sure. But when you see somebody who you respect going through a happy period of their lives, I think it's kind of impossible not to smile.
in other news I'm really hoping to get into that classical japanese class, it seems really interesting. Also I like the professor and think I could do really well in it. I think it would also be useful in a very similar way to how studying Latin helps with understanding Italian, Spanish or French. Tracing the roots of a language allows you to see and understand the modern language much better. So I suppose, in my flight from linguistics I've only ended up at it again. Except without the phonetics. Which is significant enough to make it different.



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Is a pearl
Mmmm, sitting here in the late afternoon light drinking cold leftover coffee from this morning and listening to Joni Mitchell. Also, yay for fooling around with blogs instead of doing homework/reading.