but silence is golden
What the fug? I dunno about this blog being randomly linked to stuff. It's just not good news. I sometimes wonder how many people actually read this, and who they are and what they do. And now 'heart' came on my limewire. And I don't feel any of the things I felt a second a go.

It's really amazing/sickening how music does that to you. What's with everyone watching TV? There are so many better things to do. Also sleep is such a monumental waste of time. How much of your life is sleep? Like one third? And it's only ever really fun when you do it long enough to get your deep sleep cycles nice and long so you can have those involved dreams. And even those are sometimes unpleasant to the point where you never want to close your eyes again. For some reason my more recent ones keep taking place in this location known as 'korea' that is definitely not earth korea, and involve a lot of airplanes flying from island to island all strangely. Also I may be destined to be a private investigator.

Today was such a strange day. There was this epic storm with all this cartoon-style lightning. Also I was left alone in the store for like half an hour AGAIN. It's like whenever it rains it's necessary to leave me alone in the store. Especially if the power is going on and off and there are irritating/strange foreign people saying strange things about counting on my fingers. A line up is also a plus. Also the milk fridge should be empty and I should have to do pre-close stuff. Death anyone?

Everyone's offline. Why do I wake up so much late at night? I think the clearest at around 2AM, I postulate. And there is never anyone to hear my brilliant thoughts or marvel at my dazzling wit. Yeah, I know, shut up. I wonder if I ever actually get lonely... I know I feel alone sometimes, but I don't know if that's every coupled with a real desire to be with someone. Sometimes I think that the only time I want to be with someone (not a specific someone, just having a person there) is when I want them to distract me from thoughts or entertain me or validate my fears. And now mayonaise (acoustic). Ok, maybe I can feel lonely. At the order of a song.

My mom disappointed me the week before last. I've never been disappointed by her before. Irritated maybe, irrationally hurt, but never genuinely disappointed. It's like finding out that spiderman is really just this nerdy kid named peter parker.

Also: I fucking hate homophobes.

There's something strangely comforting in the emptiness of my bed when I go to sleep at night. I mean... I know you're supposed to biologically long for companionship and sex and blah blah blah, and I get that sometimes too, but just there being me... maybe it's just familiarity? I guess familiarity is the father of comfort really so perhaps that's just sensible.

I appreciate blankets.

This window keeps refreshing itself. I don't know why. I don't think it's ever done that before.

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without love
No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without love

Music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger breakdown and cry...

The saxophone in this song kills me. She'll be opening for tori on the 27th. I'm praying she'll sing this song even though it's not really one of her solo acts. I sometimes wish I'd have reoccuring dreams...

I need to go to bed soon or I won't be able to sleep. But Red House Painters is on... and listening to them is almost like sleeping.

some escape some door to open
this path seems the blackest but i
guess it's the soonest
but there in the clearing i
know you'll be wearing
your young aching smile and
waving your hand

Goodnight

Never Fever

I may not know which way is up sometimes, but at least I'm usually happy. Even if a bit delirious. Delirium never hurt anyone, right? Maybe we should have named me Laika. Oh, another reference. I'm beginning to think that half my conversations are just song references. Maybe my life is made up of song references.

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I had two really nice days with him. The first was the gorgeous day downtown. Well, first we sat by the lake for a bit and just talked about random stuff. It was really nice and disarming. Then we left and headed downtown, listening to music in the car on the way. I played some random stuff for him, like the garden state soundtrack and a bit of stars and rufus wainwright. The day was gorgeous, not overwhelmingly hot. We parked on queen west and walked to fresh. The food was delicious, very good veggie fare and conversation. Then we walked to kaban... which I think is some sort of a gay Mecca... And we looked at sofas for his new condo. I only like couches that are comfortable to sleep on. I told him no leather couches. He pushed me into a pile of jeans... which turned out to be seven brand. Very expensive. So I piled them back up and we went on our way. We ended up stopping at that little park outside the courthouse near nathan phillips. We sat on the stairs and continued to talk. There was a lot of eye contact, and he didn't break it. A crazy man approached us, he ignored him while I talked to him. The man told me a story about how he had not given mike the money for the drugs I had bought from him, I forgave him, he thanked me profusely, and then remembered that actually mike had died a while back. He cut his own face off with a knife. And then the man left with a smile. He looked at me and laughed. I asked him what. He said he was impressed. Most people would have ignored him or walked away. I didn't really see what he was impressed about, but he smiled anyway. We sat there for four hours. I still don't understand where the time went. He drove me home and I played the feist cd. We went to a park. I got out of the car and said goodbye.

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I'm tired now. goodnight kids.