I feel kind of hollow at the moment. Only in that moment though, now it's passed.

People are very strange things. There's a part of me that never wanted to find love because in a way to find love would be to admit it's existence, it's existence it's inevitability, and it's inevitability a weakness in myself. Because to love is to need someone, and somewhere in my childhood I decided that I would never need anyone. If you need someone you leave yourself open, you become vulnerable, and we all know that vulnerability=getting hurt. By the same token, though, I've always had a fascination with surrender, the beauty in the breakdown. It may have started when I saw this african dancer on TV when we still lived in maryland, and he was just standing there with his palms out. Later when they were discussing the dance, he said that his palms were a symbol of his surrender to life. And that just hit me really hard.

There was a little girl on the bus ride home with the biggest brightest eyes I've ever seen, smiling from the seat right across from me. I couldn't help but giggle along with her, this life thing is a pretty good joke.