Sunday, April 24, 2005

In Pursuit

I think there's another fundamental jump-off point coming up around the corner, and I'm not sure if I'm headed down to find the root or up the stalk but I feel that in either case it will be positive.

I've been thinking a lot lately about archetypes, maybe it's been inspired by what I've been reading, but I think I've been moving into that space for a while now. When there's a problem, or when something comes up, I have a tendency to try to put myself into that canvas and try to circumspectate a bit, really get my bearings so that I can fix the puzzle where the wrong pieces have been shoved in. One of the patrons occupying my mind lately has been the Masculine... trying to find out what it is that makes up the essence of being a man. For most of my life, I've been dancing around with the Feminine, learning what I can from her and finding out how she fits into my life...and I guess through that window I'm noticing the misconceptions I've associated with the idea of Man. I don't think it's necessary for me to write any more about the negative experiences I've had with men and male role models in my past, but I think that lately, for the first time I'm noticing that those holes and that poison is not what makes up the essence of Masculinity. I think that it's this curiousity about what a man is that has been drawing me to male role models so strongly over the past few years.

I feel like I see a lot of this through my mother's glasses. She never meant any of it but I think that she has made up a lot of my perceptions for me, and just kind of presented them to me as a Lesson. I am only just now in this part of my life coming to examine my own ideas, and seeing that I do not agree with a lot of them, and sort of following them back through the changes and flows of my life to find that they were fed into me at some impressionable point in it. I'm not angry or upset about it at all though... just happy that I have come to notice.

I've also been spending a bit of time over the past few days sitting in front of my keyboard, toying around with notes and melodies. That I can say has come from Tori, the ways that she describes sound and music, and the creation of music has seemingly opened a new door for me. I had always concidered music as this unattainable channeling, a select room that was not open to me. But now I almost feel that music is even more oriented towards me than visual art. It's more open to change, which works better with my Being than something like expressing an image on a canvas.

That's all for now I think. This may be becoming a bit too personal. I don't think it really is for anyone anymore so much as it is a space for me to organize my thoughts.

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