Sulk at heights

Today was just another one of those days, you know? Where the grey of the sky just seemed to be a reflection of the bleak nature of the everyday. I don't feel... strong enough maybe? to stand on my own some days, and today was just one of them. So I'm going to talk a bit about it and just leave a marker out there.

I feel an accute need for companionship lately... I just need someone to be there, and it seems like so often, more and more lately, no one is. Nobody picks up, nobody randomly smiles, no-one offers a new experience or even the comfort of an old one. And I suppose the fact is that I have no right to be expecting things like that, and I usually feel, I don't know... ashamed maybe? at feeling inadequate. In the same manner I guess I'm guilty of the same. I don't call often enough, I don't smile at passers-by and I don't feel like I have much to offer a lot of the time.
I feel like I should be expanding my circles of friends, but it's always hard to meet new people. I guess I'm afraid of putting myself on the line, I don't like being hurt. It seems like friendships always end that way; everyone getting hurt. I don't like that and it turns me off of opening new relationships or allowing current ones to unfold.

I guess... things fall apart. That's the nature of the universe, right? It pops open and spreads out until it can't go any further and there's nought for it but to return to nothingness. And then it all folds back in again. In a lot of ways it's depressing but I'm not sure that I don't find some hope in the idea that everything breaks. I suppose it's just nice to know that everything has an end.

I'm getting confused now, having a hard time understanding what it is that I'm trying to convey, and I know that only makes it infinitely harder for everyone else to understand, but I'm going to press on because I feel like there might be something important hidden in here.

Some things have just been shitty lately. I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of people, I'm never sure where I stand really I suppose, but it makes it difficult to get a good footing. The self-doubt only makes me less likely to open up and clarify the lines, and less likely to create new ones. It also leads to anxiety, and anger, and after a while, I just get so pissed off that I burn everything just so that I don't have to deal with it, you know? I don't like having something close to me that hurts, I can't take it so I just reduce it to nothing. I let someone else feel the hurt for a bit.

I guess.... I don't know, but I think I'm seeing that maybe I've just gotten too detail-oriented with my life, and maybe I need to pull back and let things blur a bit so I can really see everything for what it is, and just let them simplify a little. Because I think there is value to a lot of simple, small things, which is something I may have paid very little attention to for quite some time. There's an allure to basic human connection that I've been craving, and I like the romance of a blank page.

When I was a little boy, I always thought that I was strong. I felt, I thought I knew that I was brave, and that I had to be brave because other people needed me to be... I wanted to make myself into a pillar so that other people wouldn't have to hurt. I was much less selfish then. The only thing that I was afraid of was to be left alone. I was terrified of it. Even just the act of my mother leaving the car to pump gas into it used to send me into throws of scenarios playing through my head. I would become slightly hysterical, and I could think of nothing else but her leaving me. But I still wanted to be strong, and I hated that part of me. I hated it hated it hated it because it was a part of me that was weak. So I would tell myself, you're ok, you don't need anyone else, if they don't come back then they don't love you and you don't need them around you, you are fine by yourself you don't need anyone else why are you afraid you should be brave everyone needs you to be strong . But it still hurt to see people leave, you know? It always felt, it still feels like being personally rejected. Like you're just not worth the time or the effort. I already know where that anxiety comes from, but I don't think it's something that I can really feasably remove now, so I've just sort-of learned to live with it.

That comes from my father.

Another one of my issues that affects so much how I am and how I behave around others is the idea that I'm not good enough. It contributes to the break-ups that I have with people, and really causes a lot of the hurt associated with that. When my dad and my mom first divorced, my mom was really sad. We had moved to the states and mom had left her family and all her friends behind. She had started a life with someone and it had just sort of been taken away from her. I can understand now but back then I didn't. She would cry almost every night, and I would never understand. I had hated my father for not loving me as much as he loved my sister, and I never felt good enough when he was around. When he left, I felt a bit more free. So why was mom crying? I could never console her, I could never make her stop hurting, so I would just hold her and tell her that I loved her. It got really bad, to the point where mom didn't really want to continue, so I had to pick up the slack. I learned how to cook, got a key to the house and started watching my sister. I had to grow up kind of fast, but I never really felt like I was missing anything, it was just natural to become stronger when you were needed by someone. But I could never make mom stop crying. I think it still affects me, you know? The idea that you're not good enough to make someone happy. It's kind of a lingering shadow.

Anyway, my sister wants to go to bed, but I just felt in the mood to connect... or at least transmit an idea, and hopefully make my behaviour a bit easier to understand for everyone else.

good night.