see 

heaven? what use is heaven

I don't get this, everytime it comes down to me having to study for some sort of big test I always cop out and just sit around. It's like... when it matters the most I just draw a blank in the motivation column and throw in the towel. I mean... I like Korean, I just don't like the class or the way it's taught. Oh well, I'm sure I'll squeeze by anyway.

This was my first Valentine's Day ever where I actually pondered the idea of being alone. It only lasted for about five minutes, mind, but I still felt like I was somehow letting myself down. Chalk another one up for Hallmark. It's not like I feel lonely especially? It was more of a just thinking about what I would be doing were I with someone... and I think it was mostly inspired by boredom.

My thoughts are so disorderly at the moment, I think it's mostly because I'm really tired and the Final Fantasy (owen pallett, not the video game) music in the background is disrupting me a bit. My theory is that there are two kinds of music, the kind that draws you in, and the kind that pours into you. And this is draw you in kind.

A movie everyone who is alive should see is 'What the F*** do we know?'. It's supposedly about quantum physics but it made me feel so much better about life in general. The same can sadly not be said for 'the constant gardener', which was also quite good but in a making you think about how fucked the world is kind of way.

Today's song of the night is cooling.

She with her honey hair

I have had a million tales to tell and words to weave but have for the most part been without time to spend (waste) blogging, but I did attempt it four times. Three times blogger was 'down for maintenance' and the fourth my computer crashed after I had been typing for a long time, so I stopped trying for a bit out of sheer frustration. It's so hard to get to that place where everything flows nicely, you know? And it's so rare that I've hit that spot and I'm near enough to the computer to make a difference. Oh well, spilt milk as they say.

So, the physical and uninteresting details, summarized nicely:

-going to the gym twice a week, feel great about it
-had a breakup, it was unpleasant
-acquired a hottub (not sure whether this is a compound word or not) which I worship as a deity
-saw an amazing broken social scene concert

I haven't decided yet whether I should just turn my brain into complete mental flow mode or try to pioneer some new and worthless argument transcribed into digital rambling. Either way I suppose it amounts to the same thing.

Today reminds me of 'Mother Revolution'. Just the tune feels right for the day.
Lucky me
I guessed the kind of man
that you would turn out to be
Now I wish that I'd been
wrong and then
I could remember
to breathe
And all along the Watchtower
the night horses and
the black mares
ready themselves for the outcome
for the strange times
upon us

But what you didn't count on
was another Mother of
a Mother Revolution
but what you didn't count on
was another Mother of
a Mother Revolution
you could've had me
you could've had me
you could've had me
Right there beside you
you could've had me boy
you could've had me yeah
you could've had me
Right there beside you

A wife on loan
in a cafe in old El Paso
Next I go to
Seven Gates and
my sister's Bass Bonanza
And all along her Watchtower
the night horses and
the black mares

steady themselves for the outcome
for the strange days
upon us

What you didn't count on
was another Mother of
a Mother Revolution

Hmm... ironically relevant.

Ok, so what's really been up lately is that I'm getting excited, excited for life, for school to be over, for summer, for japan, for experiences and emotions and friends and enemies and all that shit. And I'm hoping it might last for a little bit, at least until the sun starts coming out a bit more. Which isn't to say that I'm in a state.

I think I'm looking forward to summer because it will be my first living downtown, and it will be a reprieve for some creative time. I may even finish some paintings... may. No promises.

That's all for now. More to come.

I think that if I could sum up life with just one song in terms of the overall song, it would be hey jupiter haunted closet mix.

The tale of the crazed starbucks hag(nothing better to say)

So, this chick walks up to the counter, see? Asks for a decaf tall nonfat latte, see? So I rings it up and she asks for a date bar and a blueberry bar to go along with it, see? Now this chick, she's old, right?, she's got that bitter cold slant to her eye, and that mouth with the small lips and frown lines from years of being unhappy, see? Anyways, so I rings her through and givers her her change, right? She gave me a twenty, I gave her around $11.60 in change, see? I go make her drink and come back to tell her it's ready, see? She just stares forward, frowning like she has been right? I go to clean other things while she stands there, and she after a minute or so growls 'that's not right' at me, right? I walk over and ask her 'what's not right' to which she replies 'you overcharged me', see? Obviously she is wrong but I play along with her and print out a receipt, right? 'Nope, I rung it in correctly' I say, see? She continues to mumble on so Shannon comes over and starts to talk to her, right? blah blah blah, she leaves, ok? so, THREE HOURS LATER it is five minutes AFTER we have closed, and I am still trying to get people out of the store, see? As the last people are leaving I am holding the door for them and this woman walks up, right? 'sorry maam, we're closed' I say, to which she replies 'oh no, it's ok' and walks UNDER my arm, see? She struts, STRUTS, right up to the counter, to an angry shannon, and proceeds to complain again about the bill, right? 'I went home and figured it all out' LOSER 'and this just isn't possible', blah blah blah blah we stopped fucking CARING at 10:30 you cracked old cunt, 'you cannot possibly charge more than 15% tax', she blabs, right? Seriously though, why would our machines randomly fuck up on JUST your order, right? 'It could not possibly have costed $11.60'...'oh... wait a minute.... I've been reading it wrong. That was the change given.'... we both make angry faces... 'I'm sorry', and the bitch leaves.

I feel kind of hollow at the moment. Only in that moment though, now it's passed.

People are very strange things. There's a part of me that never wanted to find love because in a way to find love would be to admit it's existence, it's existence it's inevitability, and it's inevitability a weakness in myself. Because to love is to need someone, and somewhere in my childhood I decided that I would never need anyone. If you need someone you leave yourself open, you become vulnerable, and we all know that vulnerability=getting hurt. By the same token, though, I've always had a fascination with surrender, the beauty in the breakdown. It may have started when I saw this african dancer on TV when we still lived in maryland, and he was just standing there with his palms out. Later when they were discussing the dance, he said that his palms were a symbol of his surrender to life. And that just hit me really hard.

There was a little girl on the bus ride home with the biggest brightest eyes I've ever seen, smiling from the seat right across from me. I couldn't help but giggle along with her, this life thing is a pretty good joke.

a lot of life

That's what's been going on. It's been one month to the day since my last post. That's a pretty long time, especially with the pace of life these days. Winter is starting to make me feel a bit more creative again- I think this season always has this effect on me. I always feel like going into dark basements and lighting candles and listening to music or water and just thinking.

I can remember this time last year. Actually I can't. Maybe it was the year before that. I can remember long walks beside the river and being comfortable in my niche in the snow.

I love it when the snow falls in big flakes, when it actually falls, not when it's blown. When it swirls all around and explodes onto the ground.

voices voices silence swells
desire desire your lips quell
taken taken with your smell
whispers whispers in your spell
hush now hush now all is well

on the bridge

There's that expression 'water under the bridge', but the other night I was standing on the bridge over the 401 on the walk to the go station and I thought 'what happens when all the water is people in their cars all rushing away'. It was one of those perfect windy nights. And it was also one of those really rare moments where I'm allowed to just ... somehow understand or at least be ok with everything for just a few seconds. I haven't had one of those in a long time so it was awesome.

I can't even describe it really. Just walking and the wind whipping everywhere, my scarf blowing all around my head like some frantic messenger. And then you hit that choral piece of 'undo', the scarf blows in your face, you move it with your hand and the streetlight flicks on, your eyes follow it to the moon in it's cold glow and suddenly you understand 'it's not meant to be a strife'.

Bliss

Updat.e

Hey guys. Sorry about the uh... hiatus. Life's gotten pretty busy lately, and blog time has just kinda slipped through the cracks. So I feel like it's time to get back into it, because I'm also not seeing some of the people who read this often if ever.

At the moment I'm sitting in the living room of my dad's/my new place, cruising the 'net on my laptop with the shiny new wireless internet connection. Um... life here is good. I have a metropass so that gives me access to basically the whole city whenever I feel like it, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I can come and go as I please, so I suppose I'm developing a bit of a night life. Again a combination good/bad thing. Also I have access to a trillion stores and wares that I don't need but crave nevertheless, as well as tantalizing restaurants. Hard on the bank account.

Lately I've been mostly just going to class and coming back home, doing the university kid thing. I've also been enjoying the company of various friends from Uni and am becoming a regular fixture at Konnichiwa, 7 West and Cafe Nervosa. It's actually gotten to the point where none of the waitresses at Konnichiwa speak to me in english anymore because they recognize me and know that I speak japanese. But goddamn they put zaru soba on their new menu and I just can't get enough.

There's also a boy now, and he's establishing himself in my daily routine. I enjoy him immensely, and for the first time in a while I'm feeling really lucky.

Ok, and now I'm gonna go to bed. I'll be in touch ;).

kimi wa
It's sad, but what I think I like perhaps most about living downtown is all the pretty people. Maybe not so much just the pretty people, but I think seeing all the different people is interesting; speculating on where they've come from, what they're doing, what kind of people they are. It's neat, but at the same time overwhelming. It's hard to really imagine how many people are out there, how different and the same all of them are, the chances of ever coming into contact with them - who's to say you haven't passed your soulmate every monday evening for a year and just been one street away from them? Not to make it an issue of finding 'the one' or whatever that shit is, but it's a good example. I want to talk to almost everyone I see, but at the same time I really don't.

Anyway, I'm glad to be settling in, getting into a routine, and looking forward to a part of my life I had never even considered before.

Ca c'est tout
I've been notified that my blogging is slacking, so I figured I'd try to write something tonight.

I'm doing well lately, I've mostly settled into life downtown. It's amazing, without a doubt, but I think I'm going a little overboard in terms of spending. I went out last night, again tonight, it just seems like a little bit but I think it will end up adding up to an unfortunate sum.

I wish I could somehow transcribe my thoughts when I'm in transit... I think those would be the most interesting things to read, but for now you'll have to put up with rambling and accounts of physical happenings.

Last night I went out bag shopping with Allan, and then to a bar with John. I hadn't met John before not-online, so it was cool. I had a good time, due in part to $3 shots at Living Well... that is until the stand-up comedian came on and started talking to us. Which I took as a cue to leave. I wasn't a very good audience anyway. So we trekked over to 7West (thanks shannon), which is, without a doubt, one of my favourite places to just relax and have a conversation. And they have great martinis and coffees! The 7West martini is my favourite that I've ever had- vanilla vodka, a shot of espresso, kahlua and cream. I found out that he's a classical pianist, as well as a tennis and track player, which I found very interesting. All in all it was a good night.

That's all for now I think, but I will be trying to post more often in the future.

hey, you, sweet sweet
I feel like going out dancing tonight. Fall is coming, and I'm so excited for it. I love living downtown.

I did the ritualized all-nighter last night. No sleep, just coffee, chatting, studying, reading, and homework. And now I am caught up. Mostly.

A moment

I was on the way home today on the train, and I felt creative so I decided to try to write down a basic idea of my thoughts for the ride home. Obviously pen does not move as quickly as brain, so I only caught a few thoughts, but here they are anyway.

The train passes and again the world outside the circle under the lamp is swallowed by shadow. Some dirt on my fingers, retreating just at the base of the tip. From the door perhaps? It doesn't matter. I pay special attention to the sound of the fingers sliding on frets... his hands will probably smell like metal afterward. I want new shoes but I don't think I should be spending the money. The bell on the train is ringing. My mind reaches out again to the ears of those who can hear it. I can see the lines in her face, his lecherous intentions... The station comes and now the bells and violins have taken me to my ancestral home in the heills of Ireland, I am running to ma, her shawl brushes my face in the wind, and she is gone. The light here is flickering two seats away. 'Next station stop Eglinton'. I wonder how you are. An imaginary conversation runs through my head. Years have passed. You are engaged, I tell you about my boyfriends, the girls who have broken my heart. I've decided to write something. I thought you hated coffee. I can tell by the curl of the corners of your lips that you're disappointed. That's why it never worked, you know, I could never take your judgement. My pocket is vibrating. Answer it. Allan asks if I made it to the train ok. It was sweet of him to call. It's nice to be reminded that someone cares, even if it is small. Bonnie Pink sings about the sun falling into the sea, her words japanese. It's interesting to think what this language means to me. futatsu ga hitotsu ni naru toki. She's interrupting my creative flow and I start to lose the wave I've been riding. Change. 'Intuition' enters my ears and I wonder how you're doing. I imagine what he looks like, I never get far doing this. I wonder why he is good enough, if he really makes you happy. I hate you sometimes you know. Why does it seem like I have memories of the future? I have to get off here. The man at the door reminds me of the man my mother has married. He is short, balding, and I have a hard time imagining how someone like him is with a woman like her. The bitch cuts me off. They linger, kissing. Lover's spit replaces intuition. It fits. She smells like cheap perfume, and I am NOT jealous. The boy in front of me has hair that is too long. The rain feels nice on my face. I don't like the rain sometimes because it makes me look like shit. I'm relieved to see that me, the only me that matters, I still enjoy it. I imagine the judgements people who see this will pass. I don't care. He would be pretty if he was a girl. It doesn't work for a guy though. That's the problem with being attracted to androgyny, it's all very degree based. There are no set rules to what is and what is not attractive. My time in the station is short, there are only about four people in the car I am on. It is yellow in here. I want to leave. The man is staring at me and the boy taps his foot. I exit. Upstairs a man asks me if I want a taxi. If I wanted a taxi, sir, I would walk out the doors to your parked taxi, open the door, and tell you where I wanted to go. The rain is falling harder now. A car is coming towards me, the light shines on the road, through the puddles and lines. The raindrops make it look for a second like the milky way, each drop a star exploding life. Or perhaps a scene from world war two. Or jackson pollock is throwing another hundred thousand dollar dob of paint onto a canvas. What is he feeling that makes him do this? The men stare at me as I round the corner. The air behind them smells like fabric softener. It is a good bet that if you smell like fabric softener, your cologne was not worth it and you should not be staring at other people like there is something wrong with *them*. The keyboard effects on this song bring me to a time when I was eight years old, wrapped in blankets sitting on a couch in a basement. I am eating rice, like I always do when I watch my neighbour totoro, because somehow it makes the adventures more real, closer. Stepping into the door, my dad says 'the umbrella is there' and points beside the door. It is not funny. I am home.

i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down

when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Ok, so this is my second try at this post.
What I miss most about childhood is the ease with which I used to trust. I miss being able to open up completely to anyone without hesitation, and I think it's sad that life experience has taught me not to do so.

what's black is white

The story of my japanese & korean language course interviews:
I left the house at about 9 to head downtown for the interviews at Robarts Library. I arrive at around 11. Korean interviews are being held from 9:30 to 11:30, so I get in line. I fill out the 'about me' form as the sign says. Everyone is Asian. I get to the 'interview' twenty minutes later, which turns out to actually be the professor telling everyone the class is full and that students will be drawn lottery-style to get in. Which is, of course, Utter. Bullshit. Some people NEED this course to get their major... and it is not really being offered? Only sort-of, and without any real background checks to make sure that the people trying to enroll in the course are not, in fact, korean themselves? Anywaaaay... after that it was into the line for japanese. There were approximately thirty people in front of me in a line up down the hallway. I was there half an hour early. THREE HOURS LATER I finally get my turn to be interviewed. The professor , komuro-lee san, was really nice, and we started to talk in japanese about how I wasn't sure which course I should be enrolling in. So she gave me a 17 page test to do, which I completed over the course of two hours. I was FAMISHED after... and ate a lot of food. But I got into second year japanese.

END

Today was a pretty good day at work, very uneventful. Nicole, Allan, Gillian and I all ordered thai food and ate it in the back. It was yummy, but also I owe nicole for it still, which is unfortunate. Also me and allan had a tiff in the back, which was kind of amusing. Also I got to actually work with Gillian, which was great because I haven't done so in about two months.

Enough about work.

I'm feeling reasonably good lately. I'm looking forward to fall, and to getting back into learning, although I resent the hefty price tag attached to it. I got my ear pierced again, and I plan on getting the cartilage pierced on my left ear soon. I need to change my hair somehow, I'm considering cutting it all short and dying it something bright. I am moving into my dad's house mostly this weekend. It's nerve-racking in that this might just be the last move out of my mom's house. As in, no more living with mom, period. Which is a much more frightening thought than I had originally imagined. My mom is one of my best friends. Also this means growing up, not a joke. Since when is that not a joke? Where'd the pause button go?

Anyway, I'm just about out of ideas and wishing someone was online to talk to. Goodnight folks, I probably love you.

truant

Alright, fuck emo. This is stupid and adolescent and I'm not into it. I do this every time, I'm not sure why exactly as yet, but whenever there is a period of big change in my life I disconnect from people and sort-of isolate myself. It's frustrating in the extreme and completely nonsensical, so I have decided to make a conscious effort against it.

I'm looking forward to starting uni, mostly just for the language studies. I NEED to start studying japanese again, and learning either korean or chinese. It's gonna be such a pain in the ass but I think it'll also be so much fun.

My interviews are tomorrow. Wish me luck!

"It seems to be my fancy to make it with Frank and Nancy"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.

You're the sort of person who's not afraid to try new things. In life, you enjoy being loved and the chase of love. You may have difficulties remaining in a solid relationship, because once settled, the chase is gone. In your life, you work hard and are serious and determined. But all work and no play makes you very very angry. Despite your belief that you are always in control, you actually are controlled by the object of your current lust, and will do anything to maintain your dance of chase and be chased.

"I'll come running to you now, baby if you want me"

Whats Left to See

I am emo lately. I do not know the reasons why. I speculate a combination of hormones, neediness, high-stress situations a la university and stupid sappy shit that I don't even want to get into here. But lately the soundtrack has consisted of: Xiu Xiu, Blonde Redhead, Feist (monarch), angry Gackt, occasional death cab and Red House Painters. What does this mean? Angst. And I hate it. I don't even know what this is and it bugs the hell out of me. I feel somehow distant from everyone.

I don't understand how people can live their lives, as themselves, and yet not know anything about themselves as people. It destroys me.