the go train on saturday 

hey jupiter
no one's picking up the phone
guess it's me and me
and this little masochist
she's ready to confess
all the things that i never thought
that she could feel and

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought i wouldn't have to be
with you something new

sometimes i breathe you in
and i know you know
and sometimes you take a swim
found your writing on my wall
if my hearts soaking wet
boy your boots can leave a mess

hey jupiter
nothings been the same
so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend
to run to
and i thought you wouldn't have to keep
with me
hiding

thought i knew myself so well
all the dolls i had
took my leather off the shelf
your apocalypse was fab
for a girl who couldn't choose between
the shower or the bath

and i thought i wouldn't have to be
with you
a magazine

no one's picking up the phone
guess it's clear he's gone
and this little masochist
is lifting up her dress
guess i thought i could never feel
the things i feel
hey jupiter

so are you gay
are you blue
thought we both could use a friend to run to

hey jupiternothing's been the same
so are you safe
now we're through
thought we both could use a friend to run to

hey jupiter

"You know how it is when you love someone?And the hard part, the bad part, the Jerry Springer show part is that you never stop loving someone. There's always a piece of them in your heart."


All very true, very true.

I'm being distracted again. I find that if I wear my headphones I feel more connected and get more typing done. Isn't that weird? Right now I am talking to five people. It makes it really difficult to be at all creative.

ok. I give.

sunset from hwy 2 

strange
by neil gaiman
There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won't remember and that she can't even let herself think about because that's when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it's always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sing, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

Whenever it rains you think of her.

shortcomings
I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy with school and sickness. All I really want to do lately is sleep. But instead, I'll post here. If you haven't heard Gloomy Sunday by bjork, go download it. It's a really good song.
I still don't have anything to say.
sorry.

edit:
Ok. That's not so good. I'm back and I'm going to try to give some content. I've given the art in, so it's gone and seems to have removed it's blackness from my consciousness, thank goodness. I also recently invested in Scarlet's Walk which should help to brighten my mood a bit. I sent some e-mails to people in japan, which was another thing nagging my conscience. I bought medulla as well, but it's a bit too experimental for my current mental state, I don't think I want to see what it does to my mood. I'm getting that sickness which seems to rear it's head everytime I'm attending school seriously. It just kind of saps my motivation and makes everything seem a thousand times worse than it actually is. I start to use music like drugs. I fill my ears with it, fill my head with it to make things go away, to make things solid again when it seems like everything is spinning. It makes me feel sort of weak to think that I can't make it stop by myself. I shouldn't need to hold onto something else.

That paragraph seems so menacing.

to you it's just another dead fag

For some reason, I feel really connected to this song. I don't think it has anything to do with sex... there's something about the melody and the way it flows, and the degree of closeness. It actually makes me feel like I've lost a friend I spent some crazy day in the city I've never been to on a rainy day with running and spinning who made me feel a bit more alive in a world which seems a little dead with. But I think the connection, that I was able to feel something someone else wanted me to feel, and that assurity of human emotion as a common bond outweighs the sadness in this case. Probably because I did not know him. This all seems in stark contrast to the only quote.

pick out your cloud

I've picked out so many clouds, but it just doesn't matter that you pick them. They move on and they change but they never fade away, they never die. They march on forever until you can't see them anymore. But it's not sad, because it's quite probable that we're just clouds too.

so... did I mention that I hate art?

wishful eyes
Okay, Ben just showed this to me and I had to share. It's simpy too good:

http://www.marryanamerican.ca/

Oh dear, *wipes tears*, that was a good laugh.

So, tonight kinda sucked. I had to work instead of going to commencement. And, at work, some guy figured, y'know, there's a new jenna jameson (porn star) biography and it has pictures in it... I know! let's rip the pictures out, bring them into the public washroom and jack off all over the fucking floor. Yeah! That sounds great!

NO! NOT a good idea!

So I cleaned cum instead of hanging out with my friends whom I haven't seen in a while. It was good times.

School's going ok, I made an effort and it minorly paid off. I'm going downtown tomorrow and blowing my paycheck. And hanging out... alone. Which will also be good times.

Uesugi/Yuki Eiri-You're very cold and enjoy
insulting people inferior to you. The only
people that can get close to you is your lover
and your best friend. (And I mean this in
*both* ways)

Which Anime Bishie Are You?
brought to you by

a little walk 

half open
Yay for the literacy test and being home all day, aka, yay for sleeping in. Today, well what's left of it that is, will be left to cleaning, cooking (mmm soup), art (must finish that girl), situps, and... reading maybe? If I have any time for it anyway.

Yesterday I ended up missing most of my work shift! Shannon covered for me, so it wasn't too too bad, but it still wasn't good. Before that, however, I went over to Ian's house and then out to dinner with them at Montana's. It was fun and we talked for quite a while. Then we went to stop over at Chapters and I found out that I had forgotten about my shift-switch with Glenn. Which reminds me, I switched Sunday for Saturday, so now I'm working on Saturday. Must. Remember.

I think it rained this morning, and a lot of leaves were blown to the ground. Now it's becoming apparent that Fall's going to end. I hate this point. Fall is so nice.

I can't believe I slept in so late this morning. Oh well, on to the day.

shell
It's sad that getting my hair cut tomorrow has been the only thing I've been looking forward to all weekend. I worked for 15 hours this weekend, had breakfast with my father, watched five episodes... or maybe more? of witch hunter robin with shannon, hung out at megan's house with her and laura, had a visit from alison and heather... a very stalker-ish one. I just don't like standing that long.

I still can't think of anything particularily thrilling to write about. And even if I could, it would only be something about me, and that's quite boring.

well. whatever. here goes.

Does everyone try to be more like an architypical version of themselves or someone else, or is it just me? I always feel like.... I dunno.... I should be constantly focussing myself and becoming more and more ......detailed? sort-of... I always want to be more and more complicated maybe? In everything, person, appearance, likes, music, clothes, etc. I don't know, I guess it's natural and it doesn't bother me that much. I just thought it might be something interesting for you guys to read.

'night

intospect plug
I have to work again tomorrow. I worked from 3-10:15 today, and I have to work from 11-6 tomorrow. It's kind of pooey, but at least it's money right? I can buy things anyway. I find it amusing that we have a book in chapters called 'blogging for teens'.

I have so many pictures from thanksgiving. They're all so nice.

Anyways, I'm tired. Hopefully I'll be less dead tomorrow for a real blogging.

cutest. baby. ever. 

I can't publish enough pictures to show you how beautiful it was 

thanksgiving... my family style 

That time of year
she says wake up it's no use pretending
eyes wide open, naked as we came
one will spread our ashes round the yard

I thought that maybe typing in colour would be kind of hip, but I decided against it: it ruins my image... or something.

I was so proud of myself, I actually finished my lab report on time yesterday, and I got a lot of work done on art today, plus it looks pretty good so far. So it's satisfying overall. But I'm feeling kind of weird lately, I'm wondering if I'm going to get like this every autumn. I've got some flab or something that needs to be killed, so I'll start working out and maybe it'll kill two birds with one stone.

Hmm... I decidedly listen to mostly depressing music. Speaking of which, I had an interesting conversation with my mother the other day in the kitchen about how we're both attracted to sad things. I wonder if it was her depression that first made me this way. It brings up unpleasant memories.

It's always interesting to see how your thoughts can change over the course of two hours. Your emotions, your thoughts, your scenery.

It seems like right now is a time of high-ish energy, where I'm getting a lot done, but also like I'm not really valuing the time? Maybe that's not it, it's difficult to place my finger on, I'm too eclectic and explosive to concentrate on anything long enough to completely enjoy it.

days before you came
it always seemed enticing to be naked at the bay
days before you came

after the silence: II
Well, here we go again for a second round. I was trying to pull a double-whammy and update my livejournal at the same time as my blog, but apparently it wasn't in the cards. So here goes.

Update: I went to Algonquin for Thanksgiving with the fam. I mean full-out 15 member fam. It was good times: relaxing, indescribably beautiful and just recharging overall. We almost didn't get to go because Bronwyn developed all these bruises suddenly and her levels went back down to 31. But somehow, miraculously, she made a full recovery all the way back up to 189 in two days. Insanity much? I went to this SAC camp dealy, and it was pretty fun although I had 18 cups of coffee in two days, which needless to say was a bad thing.

I was doing all of these quizzes and I had them all filled out and done , but then the stupid ads made my explorer crash and now I have to do them all over again. Oh well.

Let's see if we can't come up with some really deep thoughts. I was recently quite confused by fall leaves... it seems like when all of the trees change colour you've kind of popped into a different world. I wondered if the trees looked like that all the time people wouldn't cut them down. How could you lose even one tree full of such rich and fascinating colours? I remember that as one thing that stuck out in my mind flying over BC- the logging roads cutting through the otherwise beautiful landscape. Something must be done.

Today I was taught how to apply eyeliner. Girls seem to have some thing for always wanting to make me up... and feel the softness of my hands (this was new). I guess I like the attention but it's also embarassing and difficult to deal with.

Eyes wide open, naked as we came.

I don't like clothes, but I have to buy some soon. I'm down to three wearable pairs of pants, no winter jacket, one pair of pants for work, etc. It's a bit of an issue. Plus shit, I keep forgetting to make an appointment to get my hair cut. I kind of want to dye it again too.

Ok. That's enough for now I think. I should be working on art, or studying for bio and history. mah, c'est la vie.

did I mention that spilt coffee has a sad remembrance of old? 

mmm... sushi 

1000 Oceans
So tonight I'm feeling a bit melancholy. I'm not sure if I'm even trying to avoid it though... I'm supposing, however, that it is temporary and tomorrow I will wake up refreshed and ready to go. I didn't realize that you could write text in colour before. It doesn't make much difference to me though, I'm fine with black.

heard from the tv of the latest bombing
the girls were dancing
she was coming of age
shells fired out the
flowers blown down

innocence targeted,
who's god is this?

wish she could have one more day

I am tired to an extreme, and I'm aware that tiredness makes me sad/sappy/irritated/emotional, none of which are enjoyable, and yet I stay up. and now I sleep.

bronwyn 

hospital
Ok, so Bronwyn's out of the hospital for now. Her platelet count is back up to 25. For those of you who don't know, my sister contracted a blood disease called dtp last week. dtp is a disease where the spleen produces antibodies, usually in response to a virus, which somehow end up mistaking the platelets in the blood for the virus and destroying them. Once again for those who don't know, platelets are the part of blood responsible for clotting. Normal platelet levels in humans are 70, bronwyn first tested for 17 after I found a giant black bruise on her shoulder, and eventually went down to 5 or less. It got to the point where the capillaries in her legs were bursting. She got a blood transfusion at the hospital yesterday, and we're all hoping that it works, otherwise she might have to get a bone marrow transplant which would be extremely hard and horrible. I'm sort of worried that she'll be traumatized after all of this, concidering she's only 1 and all... But hopefully she'll be fine.
cheers

An Orchestrated Rise To Fall
Do you think maybe it's just music with lyrics that distracts you creatively? My theory on creativity has always been that most creativity is a product of other's creativity. So I've always been fascinated by pure creativity, the non-recycled kind. It's quite difficult to obtain.

story board
The title of a song I would send to you all.

in the dark 

isobel bjork from UNITY 

inari kitsune (fox spirit messenger of the rice god) 

i know this place

I had been trying to think of ideas for my first art project. I was sitting in the caf, listening to my music and reading some oscar wilde. I tilted my head back to finish off my water, draining the bottle. A song that I had never heard before was beginning. I filled my mouth with the water. For perhaps the first time I noticed that my mouth wasn’t in fact full of water, but that there was air in my throat pushing the water forward, protecting my windpipe. My body was keeping me from breathing the water. “This is the moment” the song said. And at once an image, an idea rushed to me. I saw a person under water, someone who had been struggling from the bottom to reach the surface. But it was unattainable. Rather than flailing about in a mad attempt, the person looked up, I saw through their eyes, at the light playing on the water of the surface. It was so beautiful, they could almost feel the warmth. They forced the air out and at once accepted the water into their throat. There was something magical about that sort of surrender.

I’m becoming an indie music kid. It’s not so much that I despise mainstream music, or that I like the idea of being unique, but rather that I’m discovering that there is a different noise, a sound which really suits me, that perhaps I haven’t found yet. In listening to some of this music I feel that I am sort of rediscovering childhood. Some of the tunes evoke a sort of feeling of… summer, the sun through the leaves, hidden brooks you wade in looking at fish, the pleasure of a wind blowing across a field while you’re resting after just having taken a long walk through the woods and climbed a tree. It’s extremely satisfying.

I’ve been having lots of flying dreams lately, I wonder what they mean.

How are all of you?

but the skyline is blocked with egos
I am quite tired. But also content because the thing with the cop went well. I've been reading "A Picture of Dorian Grey" lately, and it's been quite good so far.

finally we are no one
Sometimes if you watch carefully, the stars flicker. Today I saw one going in a sequence : red, blue, green, yellow , orange. It was crazy. Then I was told it takes ten thousand years for the light from those stars to reach our lonely eyes here on earth. Ten thousand years.

I bend again
come round the way
double checking
the scent of corn
in the cool night air
always I'm doubling back
looking for something
but I can never quite find

chris in corning 

tori courtesy hereinmyhead 

from here no lines are drawn
From here, no lines are drawn
From here, no lands are owned
13000 and holding
swallowed
in the purring of her engines
tracking of the Beakon here
"is there a signal there on the other side?"
on the other side?

Another good song, except that it always makes me sad seeing as it's about september 11th. Whoah. Waitasec, isn't today sept.11th? Wow. Now that is weird.

Thank goodness for Shannon! She is the bringer of great music!
I love the way light from lakes and ponds reflects on leaves in that amazing pattern, with the light moving from bottom to top. It's like they're glowing all by themselves.

overflow
It's very difficult when you're unaware of how to cope with a situation, when it seems like you're just feeling too many things in too many directions all at once. It's perturbing to say the least. Life just throws things at you, and it seems like it waits until you have your hands full and can't catch anything; something's bound to hit the ground.

I had a nap, so I am not tired. Tomorrow I have school and then an appointment with a police officer to give a statement. I might have to go testify a little down the line... which wouldn't be fun.

Anyway... I'm talking on the phone now. So I'm going to get off.

instances
First of all, I must say that I never knew so much good music existed.

I got back from Algonquin again. This time I have no new pictures. On Friday I ate lunch on a cliff that I am quite certain not many people know about. I had a talk with my aunt, she gave me a rock. Later on that night we watched god and all of heaven march over the lake, and listened to a loon cry from across the night.

some things are too good
for example: Ann Coulter's writing http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2004/072604.htm

a teaser: As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it's because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council's approval. Plus, it's no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call "women" at the Democratic National Convention.

.....this is a joke, right?

the real rolling clouds 

thoughts right now
So I made my first cd the other day. I was all proud of my creation. It has some pretty good tunes on it. I like making cds, I'll have to do more of that in the future, but plan them better next time. I think making your own sort-of mixes gives you an idea of how hard it must be to be a real musician and put out cds. At least cds that have a natural flow and maybe an idea or a feel to them that all of the tracks follow and bring you along. It would be extremely interesting to be a musician.

Speaking of which, I might finally be taking piano lessons in the near future! That would be so exciting! Melissa, are you any good at teaching? ;)

I can't think of any pictures to post that are interesting, but I think it's because I've seen them all a million times, they might be more interesting to you guys. I had thought about making a photo-only blog, but I figure I shouldn't spread myself too thin, I don't seem to work well under those circumstances (see last post, written while splitting my attention between various things). I had also thought about doing a poetry blog... and a rant blog... and I even got a live journal, except I don't think I should do anything on it because I a) don't want to divide my attention (as much as I have which is very little) any further, B) I don't want to read about what I've wasted the day doing or not doing, C) I'm not sure if I or the people I spend my time with would even want any details of their lives or experiences being posted on it *cough clyde cough*. And so... perhaps no live journal.

I keep having weird dreams with a gender-less person whom I think I am supposed to meet in the future. S/he keeps telling me things that I understand in the dream but not in waking life that I think may be important. It's quite frustrating.

Wow, see, this is what happens when I'm not on MSN or browsing other websites while I'm blogging ---- Content!

in several acts
"you're only popular with anorexia, so I turn myself inside out, in hope someone will see"
I think eating disorders have a habit of eating people. But I don't think they can do it unless you really want them to. Once upon a time I wanted them to. But Ana went away.

I usually don't know what I'm talking about, but I keep writing anyway in the hopes that something will come to me. I suppose it's just me "waiting for my sailor". I've been thinking about organizing lately. Trying to give myself some sort of direction. But I can't help but think that it's pointless and there's nothing for it but to give up. So that's what I keep doing.

"all the world is all i am the black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand "



current song: Jackie's Strength

two interesting signs at U of T 

thing no.2 

I wanted to walk through the empty streets
And feel something constant under my feet,
But all the news reports recommended thatI stay indoors
Because the air outside will make our cells
Divide at an alarming rate until our shells
Simply cannot hold all our insides in,
And that's when we'll explode
(and it won't be a pretty sight)

hosting "ambassadors"
What should I do with the kid!?
Help!
(the kid refers to my friend motonari, and I'm just looking for ideas for what to do with him while he's here.)

edit:

also, I've changed addresses again no NOT because of what you said, so update your links or favourites or just re-memorize it. it's been changed on my msn profile and dan's blog anyway. also, courtesy of Dan the techno Man, that horrible blogger ... thing at the top of the site is dead, and I have links. And then I followed Dan's example and started a music, etc. link thing. near the bottom on the left. so you know.

edit 2:
AND I hate Billy Corgan. http://www.netphoria.org/#ihafault
careful billy... your inner fucktard is showing.

Songs I like . A lot. (in no particular order)
birdcage
the pool
3 libras
bells for her
emu for my dear
to sheila
all apologies
get me away from here I'm dying
paint pastel princess
blister in the sun
rain
it's not up to you
thirty-three
song for eric
if she wants me
ana's song
isobel
angie (tori version)
my dream girl don't exist
undo
emotion sickness
joga

drive ins and irritation
I. am pissed off. I don't really mind being treated like shit. Hell, I think I've demonstrated this a hell of a lot of times. However, when it comes to my friends and guests being treated like shit also, I fucking take offense.

And now I am no longer angry. Thank god for writing things out.

me; 

tori thanks to hereinmyhead.com

intricacy
Webs woven around the sound, rippling on the lake and dropping somewhere on this leaf, this one right here, where we had been speaking until now.

song for eric

i wait all day for my sailor and sometimes he comes

see you over hill and dale
riding on the wind i see
you know me, you know me like the nightingale
"oh fair maiden, i see you standing there"
will you hold me for just a fair time
the tune is playing in the fair night
i see you in my dreams
fair boy your eyes haunt me...

by tori

I should stop staying up so late. I should stop being so superficial. I should apparently stop mentioning anything about bands I like on MY OWN SITE. I should start drawing again. I should start caring more. I should stop being lazy. I should be more creative. I should walk more and be driven less. I should be a more kind person. I should clean my bathroom. I should speak in clearer terms. I should allow myself to fall from time to time. I should stop side-stepping my own conscience. I should become more aware of my surroundings. I should pay more attention to the feelings of those around me. I should be more responsible. I should accept good will in all it's forms. I should cleanse my head of insecurities. I should reach out. I should be a leader. I should ....sleep

my dream girl don't exist

May I tell you the greatness of this song? Neutral Milk have a way of making suicide and horrible gloomy things seem so... happy? Maybe not happy but something like it.

my dream girl don't exist. and at the age of five she slit her wrists. she didn't know that I'd be hanging around. so her parents buried her in the ground. to this day I can still hear the sound of her laugh in outer space.

I really should be going to sleep. It's almost five am but I think the caffeine's done something to me. but now I've killed the music, which always kills my energy.

Alright. I'm going to sleep now. I'll post again tomorrow.
g'night.

glass 

embers
I finished reading Funny Boy last night, I would recommend it to anyone who likes to read, especially those who like more personal stories. I had never really sampled any books with the middle east (as in sri lanka if that really counts), and it was interesting how similar it seemed.

I just got back from the funeral for Jonathan. I was surprised at myself, I wasn't expecting to cry. I was never really good friends with him, but I do have a few memories. He was a really great kid, seemingly always smiling, really funny even if it wasn't on purpose, and it was very clear how many people he touched.

During the service at the actual cemetery, I was looking at Debbie, Jonathan's mother, and seeing the pain on her face and I started to cry. But suddenly, I think we both noticed it at the same time, one of those, you know those little fluff balls that you catch in your hands, well the kind that you can't catch and hold in your hands, you have to let them come to you and sometimes they'll let you hold them but they always seem to slip away before you're ready to let them go... one of those flew up from nowhere right over the coffin and Debbie stopped crying for a moment and so did I, and she started blowing at it, then closed her eyes. I watched it fly over the crowd and off, way way up into the sky.

I'd like to think that it meant something.

See you later Jono.

drivenwith sycamores

There was a way about the smell of the trees that evening. They hummed and buzzed like the memories of a million insects all exploding like fireworks in the autumn night. I could tell that something was sitting, just in the light, right on the tip of my tongue begging and coaxing to be let out. But I'm a little afraid to let that melody roam you know...

Goodbye Charlotte

I was coming home from the diner today
And I stopped to look at the clouds
They were all silver horses
On their way to the ocean

The way they flew over the fields
Shadows coming and passing
I will admit
They scared me just a bit

And now I’m watching every little fear sink into the black
And I thought I’d tell you
Goodbye Charlotte

In those days I was a little naïve
Always thought that we were chasing the sun
Never realized we were just running in circles
Even while our laughter echoed

I took every penny that I had
Took them straight to the sea
Felt my toes in the wet sand
Felt myself for the first time in years

And now I’m standing in the surf feeling the wet wind in my hair
And I thought I’d tell you
Goodbye Charlotte

I went dancing in a hall at the harbour
I went for a walk in the moonlight
I went picking up seashells on the shore
But I could swear they were pieces of my life


And now I’m driving to North Carolina with the windows rolled down
And I thought I’d tell you
Goodbye Charlotte

I finally got my wings

by me.

I have unplugged myself. I am becoming aware of my own scent.

and we are just about to explode

Liam in Ragged Falls 

spider webs dripping with dew 

Liam circa the days of the broken road 

insane reflections 

swimming down waterfalls
They may hurt a bit, but in the long run, they're good for the soul. Stevey, Megan and myself decided to see how well they work as water slides on Saturday. It turns out that they work okay, only you may be in for a few more cuts and bruises than you might get at your average water park. But it was fun. It was a really nice few days. The weather was, as is typical of Algonquin, very changeable. I got some very nice photos, I just regret that I didn't get any of the actual sliding down the waterfall. Later on that night I saw the most amazing shooting star I have ever seen, with all of the milky way and the forests of the north as a backdrop. Incredible. I wish my camera could pick up stars.

there is no such thing as coinicidence