I just deleted a junkmail at my g-mail that said 'and in the end death and punishment will come to the blasphemers'. Those kids who circulate spyware are getting so creative these days.

I threw up 16 times. 16 times in less than twelve hours. I started feeling sick at about 9:30 am and started actually vomiting at 10. I waited in line at the walk-in clinic for three hours. I was sick four times while I waited. I have never been so sick in my life. And today I feel fine. Go figure.

Your nimble feet make prints in my sand

I GO HUMBLE

I go humble
you're so curiously pure
only before you I'm humble

I go humble
you amaze me
only before you I'm humble

I should be arrested
for my emotional stunts
only before you I'm humble

I'm queen of provocation
I wake people up
only before you I'm humble

I go humble
I adore you
only before you I'm humble

I should be arrested
for my emotional stunts
only before you I'm humble

What's with all this about searching for truth. You can't even find your reflection in the pool. And she says and she says that she's ready for her for her task but I'm not so sure. You can you can write a thousand pages on the corner of your smile but you but you can't, no, put your finger on it. You'll separate the world before you before you even get out of bed. But you you just might you just might you just might

My dream was about a castle made of ice and aurora. We scaled the walls with picks and warm boots, and our coats were the colour of christmas. You told me of the snowflake on my eyelash, and I wanted to hold it and behold it and to examine it's structure for just a second, but my impatient breath took it away from me. It looked like a teardrop on the corner of my fingernail. When we had come to an aquamarine-coloured plateau, we laid down and rested on the warmest blanket. My breath turned to snow on the wind and blew down onto the valley below. So this is where snow comes from I thought on that platform thousands of feet up. The moon had moved halway across the sky when we started to climb again, inchworms back up the trunk of a tree. Now, were we going or were we returning? I wasn't altogether certain. The ice chipped around the pick, melting from the warmth of my body. I found, to my delight, that it dissolved into hot cocoa, spicy and warm in the way of chai tea with warm milk, not sweet but satisfying.

I want to watch some Grey's Anatomy, but I have to watch Dr.Strangelove for International Relations and try to catch up on some reading. Tomorrow is the Santa Claus Parade and I want to go with my sister and watch her watch it. That way it's more fun. I hope that this is the desire for my sister's happiness and not that decayed abhorrent lust for things youthful that seems to seep into and claim people as they age. I want nothing clouding her skyscape.

Mom called and told me she wanted to watch little women. It's funny how lame it sounds, but it's like re-living a sliver of life from that small house in the country, when the world was so much bigger. Now I can zoom in on that house from a satellite in space. Hmm.

random thought

If I were a pothead, I would be really really fat.

Into the Blue Again
The Album Leaf were really good live, I wasn't really surprised. They have their own brand of minimalist saturation that just draws you in whether you're normally into electronic music or not. They played stuff pretty much exclusively off the new album, which was a bit disappointing because I'm really more of a fan of the earlier stuff, before there were a bunch of instruments and it was more of just a guy and a guitar. This of course being the 'guy and a guitar' that existed before last year or whenever it was that all those crappy sappy poppy guy-and-a-guitar acts a la John Mayer sprang out of the woodwork. Also I liked them better before he started singing. That being said, the actual sound was articulated masterfully, and they also adopted the projection show aspect of the more recent Sigur Ros tours, and synthesized them to make a sort-of multimedia presentation that made me forget that I was standing in Lee's Palace for a bit. And I bought a track suit jacket, mostly due to the fact that I love their logo. Anyway, that's all for now.

I found this nice little nook on a window ledged on the forteenth floor of Robart's. It faces southwest along Harbord, and I can see spotlights circling South. I can see down into the windows of the Athletic Centre, the Jewish Students Centre, and the Centre for Graduate Studies. The movement of the people is so stylized from up here. I think the people in the athletic centre are doing gymnastics, and on another floor basketball. I can see that it's raining down on the street. I didn't bring an umbrella. I don't own an umbrella. Today is one of those days where circumstances have been trying to pull me down, but it's almost as though they just don't fit in a way that engages me enough for me to be affected by them. I like the way the light moves in the reflection of a puddle forteen floors down. It's just like a star sparkling. Whenever I'm at any height by a window, I feel this sensation of being pulled forward. Like I'm being pulled by my core, or something's hooked onto me and pulling down. I kind of envision the air all moving around me, and my stomach goes all wonky. It's not as bad as the vertigo I had when I was younger though; then I saw everything falling down, especially the building or object I was standing on. I've always liked the japanese word Rakka, meaning a fall. The word itself rolls off the tongue so nicely. Wouldn't the sensation of falling into your body from space be fascinating? Like landing.

I want to be in Okinawa right now.

Red Right Ankle

What is blogger beta? That's confusing.... blogger's so hardcore now. I remember back in the day when there wasn't even that aweful banner thing at the top. I should be doing japanese homework right now, after all that's why I got up early. But I've been studying for a while and so am now bored.

********** The Day Later *****************************************



I'm on such a Patrick Wolf blitz. I need moooooore. Hahhaa. I wish the new album would come out. But alas, I must wait for new feist and new patrick and new bjork. I just hope this winter doesn't go too slowly. Or too quickly for that matter. I don't want school to drag the whole world down into all that slushy grey snow, but at the same time I want to enjoy that filtered light and extensive shadow a bit.



Things I love about winter:
- the slowing down of my pulse
- long shadows
- snowflakes melting on my face
- white hot chocolate
- the way sound seems to echo, or is isolated but at the same time intensified by atmosphere
- wool, scarves and long coats

I remember long walks in the winter, in Sapporo, in Maryland, and even in the river valley in Whitby. I remember fantasizing about disappearing, about meeting forest spirits, about coming upon an ethereal village that was somehow out of time and reality. There are elements that exist in winter that have a way of removing you from reality, whether it's the cold making your body numb, or the whiteness that covers everything from sight in a fresh snow. Some of the same other-worldly elements are present in fall, but I think in some ways they're intensified in winter, even if only because the coldness tends to drive more people indoors. Which is part of what makes it so nice for walks.

The other day I was walking along Yonge, heading to Bloor station to take the train over and hand in an essay, and I just watched this wall of snow sweep straight across Bloor in this insane gust of wind. My ipod was on shuffle, and just as the wind started, the bells and such on Jeremy Enigk's A New Beginning kicked in. It was quite fitting, and created another of those perfect sense-memories tied to songs that I occasionally incur.

All things considered, I'm looking forward to winter. I want a winter jacket and for Allison to finish making that shirt she started for me for last christmas. I need to start Christmas shopping.

You are my sweetest downfall,
I loved you first,
I loved you first

A postcard posted on Post Secret has possibly given me a small fear of spiders. Specifically Hobo Spiders, and preferrably not in my blanket. I should be returning to my blanket shortly, as I'm quite tired. I hope the sun will come out sometime soon, or at least that it will start really raining and cease this ridiculous kosame rain crap. Rian just showed me a Patrick Wolf photo shoot that I really like... too bad the big photos are all watermarked.



I should be much more tired than I actually am. As a matter of fact, I should be writing essays and reading articles and studying for japanese or cinema, but I never was a fan. This blog is sort of starting to become a picture blog, largely due to the fact that I have not a creative bone in me. A person on my msn list just asked me if that photo was of me. This amuses me no end.

Why do we have to be different? Why can't we just be ourselves?

Underworld

It's the gate, it's the gate in which the dreams enter
Underworld, Underworld, E from.
That's where you fall, S
Underworld, I
That's where you R

Lately life has been filled with much sleep and much rain. I'm very excited for the new Patrick Wolf CD, and at this point don't even hate his hair. Maybe it's the glitter that makes it work, I'm not sure. But when you see somebody who you respect going through a happy period of their lives, I think it's kind of impossible not to smile.
in other news I'm really hoping to get into that classical japanese class, it seems really interesting. Also I like the professor and think I could do really well in it. I think it would also be useful in a very similar way to how studying Latin helps with understanding Italian, Spanish or French. Tracing the roots of a language allows you to see and understand the modern language much better. So I suppose, in my flight from linguistics I've only ended up at it again. Except without the phonetics. Which is significant enough to make it different.



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Is a pearl
Mmmm, sitting here in the late afternoon light drinking cold leftover coffee from this morning and listening to Joni Mitchell. Also, yay for fooling around with blogs instead of doing homework/reading.

It is fucking GORGEOUS outside.

Death to the emos!

In the dream I am running; toward or away from someone I do not know. The air is heavy but dry, in the manner of a Tornado Alley summer before the clouds broke. There are cicadas and the road is dirt, the trees on my left have grey, cracked bark but the woods seem full. All of my surroundings seem saturated. The buzzing in my ears is deafening and my legs hurt. They are seizing up. And then I am pulled from myself and see my body from the side running. There is a bird, with white plumed feathers falling from it's tail over the side of the branch overhead. I look up, distracted by the colour. A shot rings out, tearing through the top of my rib cage on my right side. My head is tilted up as I fall, catching a last glimpse of the bird as it flutters away from the commotion. The momentum of the bullet carries me further a half-step, then I collapse into the dirt. I can vaguely hear some sort of sonata, a piano, only playing backwards so that the sound resonates the wrong way. I can see the blood pooling in front of my face. Dry soil gathers and flows on top of the redness.

*************************************************************************************

Things fall apart.

?????????????
??????????

????????????????
????????????????????????

?????????
??????????

???????????
???????
????????????????????
????????????????????????????

????????????????????????

Your figure, dancing is slowly embraced entirely by the light.
**********************************************************************************

Her name was Cheryl
Black hair like electric space
She would pretty paint my face
She was a very good friend
Her father would come to her in the night.

She was 12 years old


Sometimes the words you don't say are the ones that hit the hardest. The song 'names' by cat power is killing me right now, but I like it. I'm not sure what to say but I think I'm more or less numb at this point. I am so angry, mostly at life itself. I'm tired of analyzing and re-analyzing all of my actions, trying to find the formula so I can fix it and stop failing. Oh Mr.Gallo, please come and take me away.

The Landing

I do mean being helped down and being earthed, but also that space between the staircases where you can look up and down, or just watch the light filtering through the dust of the skylight. I hope that my future includes a skylight, and lots of interesting earthenware mugs. It's 11:48 and really I should be tired, I was up at 5:20 this morning to take a taxi to work. Today was crazily busy, I was on my feet all the time, I couldn't sleep last night. But still, here I sit in front of the computer, connected to my ipod and buzzing and humming in my own little way.


I don't blame you

I think every argument, tangent and soliloque that I ever garble, extrapolate or misinterpret on this blog is a microwaved re-hash or a previous diatribe of a poorly communicated idea. So none of it has any point or value. Just so you know.

I kind of feel like heading down south, bumbling around south carolina for a bit. Re-tracing the steps of a few people I never knew. Or maybe Maine, that's always a safe bet. Hop around Bar Harbour, collect sand dollars and tap along the surf. Maybe it's that ocean-call again. Or maybe it's just fall. Why do I only post stuff about my craving for nature? Isn't that a weird concept; having a strong urge to be outdoors or be in nature and solve it by sitting down at the computer? Where's the sense in that?

Bands/Artists you need to check out include:
Cat Power
Neko Case
Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins
Tilly and the Wall

Bands/Artists I need to check out include:
?


Metric were ok at the UofT orientation, they were about an hour late and didn't bother to play a promised encore. Also they all seemed kinda tired. But c'est la vie. Looking back, I kind of wish that I had left and gone to see Volver with Rian instead... because obviously it would have been an amazing movie. Oh well, spilt milk.


I never meant to be the needle that broke your back
you were here you were here you were here
don't look back

If you could be reborn as anything, including inanimate or non-living objects, what would you come back as?

I think I would want to be something simple, like a ripple or a breeze.

Ice Water

Like I heard her Backwards saying
I can take one thousand Showers
And never be clean Of course she lied awake
She is ten times heavier, Stronger, then you'll ever be, Or ever was, His goddamn name
You know what I need,Who doesn't lie?
You know what I mean, If it never ends
Without you, Like you don't know
I am so, angry
I am so, at ease
I feel just like
Some great big disease
I think you need
Ice water
But the only thing that
You really hate
Is all its emptiness
Ah, you'll swim
And I will drink myself to Death
If I'm never in Doubt of you
Like you don't know

Walking home in the rain and the wind I thought only about the way it felt on my skin and the remeniscence of you in it. The way that even when I've forgotten, the rain always remembers your name, and all of theirs as well. There's an assurity in the ever-presence of the wind, and even in it's silence, it's cradling me in some small way. And the manner this moment passes, the way the shadows evaporate and the feelings die I feel aware in some removed place that this instant will echo forever in some hallow of time. Everything is familiar. I've died here, I was raised here, I will be born here and I am alive here.

the sand between my toes

Those natural needs are so strange, don't you think? Like that natural urge for the sea, that distinct calm that comes with the sound of waves. They feel almost unnatural because of our innability to explain where they're coming from, but really they are some of the most natural desires that I can name. And I'm a-hankering! I've been to the Beach(es)... I'm just going to call it the Beaches, twice in the past week. Lake Ontario is a bit of a poor substitute for the Ocean really, but it fulfills some of those innate needs in the same way. Me and Davey will go down and wander around on the beach or just sit for a few hours and collect beach glass or nice rocks or whatever. It's very calming. And I can't wait for fall!

The area itself is very nice as well, there are a bunch of quaint little restaurants around, and nice little independent coffee shops as well as a handful of corporate ones. Almost everyone seems to be walking some sort of dog... which brings me to my next point of news: New Puppy! She's an adorable little Black Lab puppy, and her name is Willie. And she bit my face and chewed on my shoe, which is a good sign! I have decided that she will be good friends with the cats so that they won't have to descend into their shadow-homes again for another year.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. Originally I thought I'd be hanging out with Crimson but I haven't heard from her so I guess that's up. I have to pay the first installment of my tuition and then maybe I'll head down to Front Street or the Distillery? It seems kind of lame to hang out around there by myself, especially without my camera. Oh well, we'll see...

The Beach, again taken by topleftpixel 

All my blue skies are ripped at the seams

There are three new planets. Xena, Charon & Ceres. The universe really can change overnight.

...when I wake up a second time in his arms gorgeousnesshesstillinsideme

I'm supposed to be sleeping, I should be sleeping. But I slept too much last night, and my brain moves too fast and plays too many tricks on me to let me fall asleep when I need to. And she's telling me that if I just lean into the crack it will tremble softly but... I feel more like I'm falling through if anything and if it's not meant to be a strife or a struggle then how come it is? And don't feed me that shit about trying too hard and surrendering because we all know that's way too scary to even dip your toes in let alone dive blindfolded. But it's just one of those moments, y'know? When every atom in my legs, every molecule on my armhair is screaming and crackling alive for just the slightest breeze to shift the silt. But all there is is the most vast, the barest field with the darkest clouds and not one drop of relief.

And why can't it just be ideal? Would that really be such a problem?

The best, my favourite part about it all, is that after five hours of sleep my brain will have flushed these chemicals out of my system and I can continue like it was all some embarassing drunken night.

tope left 

Fall in the City
Chill'uns! Fall is a-comin'!

And I can't wait. Besides the pressures (financial and otherwise) associated with school, pretty soon it's going to be sweater weather! No more disgusting stickiness, plain tank tops, shorts or sandals...

You know how people have comfort food? I have comfort clothes. And they are all long-sleeved. There's also a certain romance to Autumn that puts a nice glaze on daily wear-and-tear.

Oh no that ain't what I said,
Oh no that ain't what I said

Hey folks! It's been forever and about eight years, I know. I am sorry to admit that I am a bad blogger. I hope not too many people rely on this to check up on me or communicate or whatever... because I'm usually nowhere near a computer or home or anywhere like that these days.

Today's forecast: Grey skies, a look back and a look foreward, guarded calm, money worries.

Phoenix only just manages to calm my money seizures the slightest bit. My hours at work have been cut back drastically! I'm getting really anxious because it feels like this is becoming Pickering all over again... I started off with 40 hours + a week, and now, on the next schedule, I have NINETEEN hours. NINETEEN. I have the LEAST number of hours out of anyone in the store, INCLUDING the new people who can't even make drinks yet and the people who SPECIFICALLY booked time off this week.

WTF!

Next week I am working, ahem,................. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. On Tuesday, I have a THREE hour shift. THREE hours. I almost feel insulted. You know, it wouldn't be as big a deal if I didn't have a shred of ego working at this store... I mean, what's the point in working hard and trying to be the best if you're only going to be rewarded with the shittiest shifts in the store? Two years of service = the least amount of hours possible, constantly being passed over for promotions (which is another issue altogether), and only ever either opening or closing. I'm one of the only baristas with open availability, I have the most experience out of all of them (with possibly the exception of two, who both have extremely limited availability), and again, just like in Pickering, I feel like I'm just being used for it without really being rewarded at all. UGH!

Normally it wouldn't be as bothersome but I just got my $5,325 invoice in the mail from lovely UofT, so I have a big deadline looming and a large sum of money I have to be paying off, not including books, not to mention the stress of moving into an all-new program that will probably have a much huger workload.

Davey's getting shafted in the same way... he's also only working three days next week, which is I suppose somehow good for us? I dunno... we'll see how that works out. I'd like to be able to pick up some shifts at other stores.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm moving into some new programs : Political Science and the Dr.David Chu Program for Asia-Pacific Studies. I really really hope that turns out well; I think it's a little more tailored to what I could see myself doing in the future: some form of diplomatic work, or something to do with international relations, or possibly even law school.

On another note, my best friend Chris just left my house yesterday. I had been staying in Whitby for a few days in a row, and luckily had a very large amount of time off in a row (yay!), and only had to return to downtown once on Monday to work a FOUR hour shift and find out about next weeks shafty schedule. Can you tell I'm bitter about that?

We spent most of the time playing video games in the basement, which was kind of nice as a change of pace from constantly running around downtown. He's one of those kids that I never really feel all that distanced from, as he pointed out. Time passes, but it doesn't especially feel like it's growing between us. We had late-night talks that were good but I kinda wish we had had more time and maybe been able to zoom around the province.

On the whole, things are going well. I never did upload those photos, but maybe I will eventually. See ya around.

Glad You're On my Side

Hey guys
I've been back for a while now actually. I haven't uploaded pictures yet though, because my laptop has been going progressively more and more slowly lately and I don't really want to load more stuff onto it for fear that it will just completely crash and all of my memorable pictures will be destroyed.

Lately life has consisted of much house-wife-y behaviour; sweeping and vaccuuming the whole house (which is a lot of work considering all of the cat hair that has piled up), grocery shopping without a car, planning meals, watering plants, maintaining the hot tub, etc.

Taking off for up north for a few days, will be back with pictures soon.
Cheers!

We Don't Need to Fight and Cry

I haven't updated in so long. Mostly because I have been CRAZY busy with work. I've only had two days off in the past two weeks and going now. But honestly, I need it! I missed a whole month of work thanks to mono, so now I have to try and make it up. And if that means taking it to the streets, well heh heh heh....

My poor laptop is getting slower and slower. I think it's choking on pictures and songs; it wasn't really made to be a 'media computer', like all new computers these day seem to be.

What have I been downloading you ask? Some newer discoveries include Phoenix, the Paris-based newest addition to Arts & Crafts, Love Psychedelico, a charming Japanese 60's-inspired duo, as well as Amnesiac by Radiohead, an album I had been sadly lacking. Also a recording of Mushaboom that was a duet between Feist and Conor Oberst. He can not sing... and attempting it beside the likes of Feist only serves to highlight the fact. While his non-singing can sometimes be charming or useful for filling out the emotion of a lyric, it doesn't work for mushaboom and he sort-of slurs drunkenly in a style remeniscent of Lover I Don't Have to Love. Boo.

In other news, recording on the new Tori Amos album is, according to drummer Matt Chamberlain, finished. So now I supposed only mastering and re-takes remain, but the album is rumoured to be slated for a Spring '07 release... which is annoying. But perhaps the Rarities collection box set will be enough to tide toriphiles over.

I've been experimenting a lot with my hair lately, going from curly styles to mohawks to spikes, and ultimately all I concluded was that I need to dye or highlight it because it is boring.

I'm having a lot of fun at work lately, owing mostly to the fact that I enjoy everyone that I work with, regardless of the relatively higher volume of customers than my old store. I'm sort-of considering trying for a promotion, and I'll be talking about it with my assistant manager a bit more later. Anyway, it's just generally going well.

I'm gonna take off now, but hopefully I'll be in touch again soon.

and I thought OEDIPUS OEDIPUS OEDIPUS....

I like this picture 

Something to remember

Intelligence is no measure of humanity.

*This post has been edited, then deleted, and then re-put up as per request. Read at your own risk.

I hate Pride

Ok, so I got back from the Olympic island concert with Feist and Broken Social Scene and Bloc Party and all those kids, and when I start coming close to Davey's apartment I begin to feel this pit of negativity in my stomach that just grows and grows as the elevator climbs floors. He was already tipsy by the time I got here, and I hate dealing with drunk people when I'm sober. And I hate fags, and they are fucking everywhere right now. And I resent not being able to drink because of fucking mono. And I'm just not in a place to deal with any of this because I'm already having huge issues right now with my identity; with living a sort-of double life, with my hatred of my own cynicism and negativity but inability to change it, with my extremely ambiguous and fluctuating sexuality, with my capacity (or lack thereof) to accept love, with my indecesiveness and uncertainty about my future and what I'm FUCKING doing with my life...

I realized on the way to meet up with some of davey's friends that I can't handle the gay community, or any facet of it that I have encountered, without killing my brain with alcohol. Lube 'er up with tequila, then try to have fun.


Leaving the pizza pizza some random faggot old man remarked oh-so-wittily 'smile girlfriend! what's the matter with you?' and tried to touch me. What the FUCK makes you think it's ok to touch me? Because it's your holiday? FUCK YOU. I don't go around groping you on fucking earth day do I? So why would that be ok now?

Gruff Rhys 

So I went to go see Bright Eyes last night, as a birthday present from Jackman, and to my surprise, Conor was SOBER. Or at least seemed sober. It was kind of a relief actually, and I think it might have had something to do with him dating Maria Taylor of Azure Ray fame. She was also the drummer for this particular show, another thing I was surprised at. I think her backing vocals added a lot to the overall performance. It was good, mostly. There were a few songs I was disappointed at, specifically Lover I don't have to Love, which didn't fit in with this setlist at all, and was half-mumbled in the MIDDLE of the show. But they also played I think 3 new songs, all of which sounded good, along with a few rarities like Well Whiskey and Laura Laurent.

I was pleasantly surprised by the opening act! Gruff Rhys, who usually plays as part of South Wales's Super Furry Animals took the stage and entertained us through a number of songs. His use of a loop pedal was hilarious, looping fake bird sounds, 'artificial bagpipes', drum beats and breathing noises. I have to get my hands on his album.

Sea Lion Woman::: Relletelat

Whoever invented Feist Live is a god/Goddess. Everyone should hear Sea Lion Woman and When I Was a Young Girl from Live at Park West. Because they are god.

Laugh to erase the dirt from your mind...

Today is kind of a grey day, but that's ok because I have enough happy saved up to block the rays. Yesterday and the day before that I was really sick, but only at night for some reason. It was like around 8 PM I just got this really high fever and became incapable of movement. So Dave cooked for me and fed me drugs in bed. It was very sweet. I slept from about 9:30 PM to 9:30 AM and woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the... bleak dank & damp day. I showered and shaved and all that good stuff and then went down to osgoode station to pick up tickets for X3 tonight at the paramount. I really hope it'll be good as X-Men represents a very large portion of my childhood playing. And then walking back to the station I ran into my co-worker MJ who is crazily sweet and so cute walking with two of her friends, so she asked me to ride the subway with them which I did, and a good time was had by all.

I thought any number of horrid things whilst strutting Queen West. It made me grateful that no-one (at least no-one who tells me about it) can hear my thoughts. Also it re-affirmed my stern belief that I am a horrible person.

All the blonde is gone from my hair, so now it's mostly dark again. Which is a relief.

Yesterday I went to this amazing japanese place on King called Hiro's Sushi. It is SO good! But disclaimer: not for those light of changepurse. It's like... a real restaurant. (By this I mean there is a menu that changes everyday and the dishes are actually innovative) And Hiro was actually there, which I've heard makes the food a lot better. I had this cool little Asparagus Tofu creation along with six pieces of Ume Maki and the BEST vegetable tempura I have ever had. The ambience was amazing, straight down to the homemade tea cups with 'hiro sushi' glazed onto them. But it was quite the kick in the wallet. But then the shocked reaction I got when I thanked them and said see ya later in japanese made it almost worth it. Definitely a great place to go for an every now and then type meal. Not some place you could go once a week like Konnichiwa.

Movies I have seen lately:
Transamerica (v.good)
DaVinci Code (v.not)
Howl's Moving Castle(Haoru no Ugoku Shiro) (good - ok)
Nana (hmm. ok)
Ima, Ai ni Yukimasu (good)

Music I have been ipod'ing lately:
Yeah Yeah Yeah's - Show Your Bones / Fever to Tell
Metric - Live it Out / Old World Underground
Feist - Live at Park West / Open Season
L'Arc~en~Ciel - AWAKE
Cocco - Whatever random stuff I can find
Chrono Cross OST

The new Starbucks is pretty good! Still fairly stressful, I hate closing there because there is so much to do and it is impossible to get out on time. Opening is also kinda a pain in the ass because the pastry stack is actually taller than I am. Everything is done very by-the-book, but I'm confident that I'll eventually adjust to the pace and get motoring.

..............I know I know you tried to change things, I know I know you tried to change, I know , I know.

I haven't posted in like a month. That is madness.

Uhh I don't have too too much to say. School is out. Thank GOD! I've started at my new store, and it is BUSY. At least ... three times? as busy as Pickering was. Everyone seems to be good too. I'm spending a lot of time in there though, I need to get out and see some people. Getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I hope it'll be a sunny day so I can wander around.

Anyway, that's all for now. Ciao bellas.

Fever to Tell!

You make me wanna whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Edit:

Remember Head in the Clouds, Door in the Floor, and He Died with a Felafel in His Hands.

wildly

I went to the final fantasy concert on sunday night. It was really good, as usual, this time he was solo. Which, naturally, didn't stop him from beautifully rendering a bunch of songs off of 'he poos clouds'. Also the CD was for sale there... and as far as I know it's not coming out until May 16th, so it was cool to get that. And I met Owen Pallett again in a really random sequence of events. Basically this person filming one of his performances was leaning on me and turned to me to say hello. I was glaring at them but I said hello back anyway. Anyway, long story short this person brought me 'backstage' after the concert and I got my cd signed this time. I'm kinda worried he's gonna end up thinking I'm a creepy stalker kid or something.

Boys will be boys

Well, I wasn't going to share this story, but I think it's funny enough to post.

Dave: 'It's so nice out, I wanna go for a walk.'

Liam: 'Where?'

Dave: 'Just down church I guess, go pick up some beer.'

Liam: 'Hmmm....'

****several minutes later, on church st.****

Liam: 'I don't really like church st.'

Dave: 'Why not?

*** Some guy in a car beside me whistles ***

Random guy in car: 'Hi gorgeous!'

Liam: 'That's why.'

smoulder 

Love the picture but don't love the movie 

scarlett 

Kings and Queens

Kings and Queens is a really good song. You should download it. Right now.

This week I've been feeling kind of nostalgic, even unto missing high school which is one thing I swore I'd never do. Going home doesn't totally feel like going home anymore. Everytime Bronwyn is bigger and has brand new vocabulary and habits and Caitlin is becoming a teenager and my mom is moving on with her life (sort of). But in the same vein, they still can't turn the TV on or off without my help. Hahaha.

Currently listening to: Snowman by Cherry Filter. And now Cooling, good old cooling. She tucks me in at night every time.

'And I know I have been driven, like the snow. But this is cooling faster than I can, this is cooling, faster than I-'

I'm in one of those moods where I'm missing people I've never met before, and missing meeting them. And just sitting here I'm missing all of it. It's one of those transition phases that I always cope so well with. I think summer will be a breath of fresh air though. Maybe I need a girl.

And now for some Northern Lad. I am a Northern Lad.

And if you could see me now...

Pebbles, stones pulled from the sea
From the sea and into me
Upturned palms for all to see
And into the sky it shot from me

Her mouth, her coarse lips expel the stones onto the bed of the ocean and the algae extends from the floor to my legs. Her throat is a trench, a gorge in the ocean floor around which the light bends and shadows swell. I don't know how I've got here. The saturation of this place in colours and sound, I can feel the slime, the slippery wetness of the algae that clings to my leg. I feel as if I've just woken up. I've been somewhere sleeping for so long. There's a pulse, at first just a current, then building. The light is erupting, flashpan blizzards of specks and lightning. The water is different and warm and cold flows course around my body in turns while the humming begins to thunder. I am freed by the storm at sea, in sea, but now drifting in the current. My limbs are cast about, tumbling in a kind of wind. All of the green and blue and purple mix with the light and the shadows, chaos rent in water. My hand tingles, and I can feel the skin parting at my palm. It feels natural, no pain, stones are ejecting in a line from my right hand. They twist and fall in a ribbon, twirling around me, looping around my leg until I notice that my leg is not a leg at all but in fact a fin, a tail. I kick against the current and the breath of the woman who is the ocean floor, and I notice for the first time a hazy light from overhead. It's so alien, and cold and distant drifting luminous vexing but I am drawn to it and my hand is gripping, grasping begging for an exit a memento a tiny piece of this beauty. The string has been creeping toward the light, almost almost there now. The mouth in the sea calls to me, demanding I return to my place of slumber but now I've seen the light and I can't sleep again. My mouth waters as the pebbles pierce the canopy of water, like a needle in the eye of the woman in the dark. She howls, but I can scarcely hear her through the pulse in my ears while the stones stretch further on the other side of the water wall. The woman is inhaling, is desperately deigning to draw me in. I am starting to be raised, to rise to the surface. I have latched myself onto the source of this light, and I am being pulled through the currents, through the hissing and the storm of green. I can feel the light on me now, and as the crown of my head breaks the surface and the last droplets of the womb I have slept in for so long drip from my hair and off my body I see the shape of this light. And in that instant I think, who has hooked who?

A bad movie combination:

The Sweet Hereafter

+

Boys on the Side

Let no hand hold you down?

Ugh. I am glad that last week is over. Unfortunately my body has decided to rebel in retaliation for the partying, slapping me with four zits all at once and preventing me from doing more than 20 minutes at the gym today. Pathetic.

Uh oh. Possibly dad is coming to watch some maple leafs on the couch... evacuate! evacuate!

Too late... Did I mention that I hate sportscasters?

josephine and ginger root
I've been thinking that I've been thinking too much lately. Negativity is beginning to cluster at the edges of the page again and it's blocking my view of the words. There's a lot of shit going down, so put it lightly, and I don't like it. I'd appreciate it if the world smoothed it's wrinkles for a few.

In hindsight:
the air was mild
the tequila was warming
the way the wires crossed overhead gave it a landscape

Kibou

That last rant was so poorly composed... I apologize. That happens when I try to force posts, it just ends up like that: random, inconsistent, and hard to understand. So tonight's rant will be replaced with a ramble.

Work today was alright, there were a few awkward customers though. For starters Howard came in, and did the usual re-arranging of the furniture, cleaning of various areas of the store,and bizarre indecipherable rambling to god or Jesus or whoever. And to make that more awkward, this guy walked up to me today and asked me about him. I was explaining that he was harmless, not to worry about him, he's just 'talking to god', and the guy was like 'oh good, so he's found Jesus then? Even the unfortunate need his salvation don't they.' And there are people standing behind him in line. And I'm like... uhh.... What am I supposed to be saying here? And then he said 'It's times like these where I wish I had his healing powers, you know? Wouldn't it be great to be able to heal with faith?' (At this point he stretches out his hands around my head, 'healing' me I suppose). And the people behind him in line are looking back and forth from him to me. My response? A quick 'what can I get for you?' to the person behind him. Good shift though, good people to work with.

This room is unbelieveably cold. Even my bizarre excess body heat isn't enough to keep me from feeling it. I wonder how my sister, the one allergic to the cold, manages to live in it.

I wrote out a list of all the kanji I don't remember well from this textbook so far... and it had around 250 characters in it. And I actually think that's not bad considering how many we've learned. But obviously I have some hardcore reviewing to do.

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost
'where is the love?'

Castle on a Cloud

There is a castle on a cloud
I like to go there in my sleep
aren't any floors for me to sweep
not on my castle on a cloud

Ok, so Final Fantasy covered that song... well, I suppose attempted to cover is more like it. He switched all the lines around so that it didn't rhyme anymore and I laughed throughout the entire performance. It was falsetto. Very nice.





What is it that makes people so desperate to be unique? I see it in myself as well, that drive to be different, to be recognized, to be seen as separate from the crowd. But where does that come from? I suppose it's deep-seated in insecurity, maybe a lack of self-esteem. I think it's kind of a sickness. It would be a lot simpler if people just let themselves be who they are, completely without regard to how others might perceive them.

By the same token though, that could produce a lot of serial killers. So I guess there isn't really an easy solution. It's just depressing to see people mostly online going on and on about how atypical they are, and how people might think they're this or that, but really they aren't.

It's the same with falling in love, people are desperate to find the one who sees them for the real them. Because we all have different desires. When really I wonder if half these people are actually looking for love, or just looking for ratification of their innate 'differentness'.

Rein

I got a random call from the ex tonight, asking me out to dinner. Being the mental case that I am, I agreed to go. Everything seemed fine, until again with the same questions, the same behaviour patterns repeating themselves. I wanted to ask him, how many more times will you make me crucify you? How many until you are satisfied? What do you want from me? A t-shirt? 'I survived him'. Or is it that you're desperate to make this bigger than it is, to have a story you can tell later in life? Whatever it is, I'm sick of it. So cut it the fuck out.

"And I said, 'I pray you, show me which is the tree which caused Adam to stray.'
And the angel said, 'It is the vine which the angel Samael planted by which the Lord God became angered, and he cursed him and his planting. For this reason he did not permit Adam to touch it. And because of this the devil became envious, and tricked him by means of his vine.'" - 3 Baruch 4:8 (Greek)
"And during the transgression of the first Adam, she gave light to Samael when he took the serpent as a garment, and did not hide, but on the contrary, waxed." - 3 Baruch 9:7 (Greek)

I've always found religions fascinating... well more that religion, myth I suppose is my real interest. I don't so much find practice interesting, as the places where man and his surroundings intersect.

my dragonfly 

see 

heaven? what use is heaven

I don't get this, everytime it comes down to me having to study for some sort of big test I always cop out and just sit around. It's like... when it matters the most I just draw a blank in the motivation column and throw in the towel. I mean... I like Korean, I just don't like the class or the way it's taught. Oh well, I'm sure I'll squeeze by anyway.

This was my first Valentine's Day ever where I actually pondered the idea of being alone. It only lasted for about five minutes, mind, but I still felt like I was somehow letting myself down. Chalk another one up for Hallmark. It's not like I feel lonely especially? It was more of a just thinking about what I would be doing were I with someone... and I think it was mostly inspired by boredom.

My thoughts are so disorderly at the moment, I think it's mostly because I'm really tired and the Final Fantasy (owen pallett, not the video game) music in the background is disrupting me a bit. My theory is that there are two kinds of music, the kind that draws you in, and the kind that pours into you. And this is draw you in kind.

A movie everyone who is alive should see is 'What the F*** do we know?'. It's supposedly about quantum physics but it made me feel so much better about life in general. The same can sadly not be said for 'the constant gardener', which was also quite good but in a making you think about how fucked the world is kind of way.

Today's song of the night is cooling.

She with her honey hair

I have had a million tales to tell and words to weave but have for the most part been without time to spend (waste) blogging, but I did attempt it four times. Three times blogger was 'down for maintenance' and the fourth my computer crashed after I had been typing for a long time, so I stopped trying for a bit out of sheer frustration. It's so hard to get to that place where everything flows nicely, you know? And it's so rare that I've hit that spot and I'm near enough to the computer to make a difference. Oh well, spilt milk as they say.

So, the physical and uninteresting details, summarized nicely:

-going to the gym twice a week, feel great about it
-had a breakup, it was unpleasant
-acquired a hottub (not sure whether this is a compound word or not) which I worship as a deity
-saw an amazing broken social scene concert

I haven't decided yet whether I should just turn my brain into complete mental flow mode or try to pioneer some new and worthless argument transcribed into digital rambling. Either way I suppose it amounts to the same thing.

Today reminds me of 'Mother Revolution'. Just the tune feels right for the day.
Lucky me
I guessed the kind of man
that you would turn out to be
Now I wish that I'd been
wrong and then
I could remember
to breathe
And all along the Watchtower
the night horses and
the black mares
ready themselves for the outcome
for the strange times
upon us

But what you didn't count on
was another Mother of
a Mother Revolution
but what you didn't count on
was another Mother of
a Mother Revolution
you could've had me
you could've had me
you could've had me
Right there beside you
you could've had me boy
you could've had me yeah
you could've had me
Right there beside you

A wife on loan
in a cafe in old El Paso
Next I go to
Seven Gates and
my sister's Bass Bonanza
And all along her Watchtower
the night horses and
the black mares

steady themselves for the outcome
for the strange days
upon us

What you didn't count on
was another Mother of
a Mother Revolution

Hmm... ironically relevant.

Ok, so what's really been up lately is that I'm getting excited, excited for life, for school to be over, for summer, for japan, for experiences and emotions and friends and enemies and all that shit. And I'm hoping it might last for a little bit, at least until the sun starts coming out a bit more. Which isn't to say that I'm in a state.

I think I'm looking forward to summer because it will be my first living downtown, and it will be a reprieve for some creative time. I may even finish some paintings... may. No promises.

That's all for now. More to come.

I think that if I could sum up life with just one song in terms of the overall song, it would be hey jupiter haunted closet mix.

The tale of the crazed starbucks hag(nothing better to say)

So, this chick walks up to the counter, see? Asks for a decaf tall nonfat latte, see? So I rings it up and she asks for a date bar and a blueberry bar to go along with it, see? Now this chick, she's old, right?, she's got that bitter cold slant to her eye, and that mouth with the small lips and frown lines from years of being unhappy, see? Anyways, so I rings her through and givers her her change, right? She gave me a twenty, I gave her around $11.60 in change, see? I go make her drink and come back to tell her it's ready, see? She just stares forward, frowning like she has been right? I go to clean other things while she stands there, and she after a minute or so growls 'that's not right' at me, right? I walk over and ask her 'what's not right' to which she replies 'you overcharged me', see? Obviously she is wrong but I play along with her and print out a receipt, right? 'Nope, I rung it in correctly' I say, see? She continues to mumble on so Shannon comes over and starts to talk to her, right? blah blah blah, she leaves, ok? so, THREE HOURS LATER it is five minutes AFTER we have closed, and I am still trying to get people out of the store, see? As the last people are leaving I am holding the door for them and this woman walks up, right? 'sorry maam, we're closed' I say, to which she replies 'oh no, it's ok' and walks UNDER my arm, see? She struts, STRUTS, right up to the counter, to an angry shannon, and proceeds to complain again about the bill, right? 'I went home and figured it all out' LOSER 'and this just isn't possible', blah blah blah blah we stopped fucking CARING at 10:30 you cracked old cunt, 'you cannot possibly charge more than 15% tax', she blabs, right? Seriously though, why would our machines randomly fuck up on JUST your order, right? 'It could not possibly have costed $11.60'...'oh... wait a minute.... I've been reading it wrong. That was the change given.'... we both make angry faces... 'I'm sorry', and the bitch leaves.

I feel kind of hollow at the moment. Only in that moment though, now it's passed.

People are very strange things. There's a part of me that never wanted to find love because in a way to find love would be to admit it's existence, it's existence it's inevitability, and it's inevitability a weakness in myself. Because to love is to need someone, and somewhere in my childhood I decided that I would never need anyone. If you need someone you leave yourself open, you become vulnerable, and we all know that vulnerability=getting hurt. By the same token, though, I've always had a fascination with surrender, the beauty in the breakdown. It may have started when I saw this african dancer on TV when we still lived in maryland, and he was just standing there with his palms out. Later when they were discussing the dance, he said that his palms were a symbol of his surrender to life. And that just hit me really hard.

There was a little girl on the bus ride home with the biggest brightest eyes I've ever seen, smiling from the seat right across from me. I couldn't help but giggle along with her, this life thing is a pretty good joke.